More Goal Models

I seem to be on bit of run with this goal setting stuff. This is my 4th blog on tips and technques on how to do goal setting and planning and I'm sure I'm going to write another after this!



So... read each of them and take from them what works for you in the coaching situation you find yourself.



Trainers: This is an often needed training program so I'm confident there's info here that will add to what you currently do in delivering goal setting & goal getting for your clients.



I'm not convinced that any one of the models I've presented are complete in themselves, yet combined they are exceptional.





This is my version of the SCORE model popularly found in NLP and orginated from Robert Dilts of the USA. It's a simple model (always my preference), yet very effective (a great combination).





The S.C.O.R.E Model:





SITUATION:

This is about the current situation your coaching client faces. The problem on hand - now. The way things are for your client NOW. Each of the components of SCORE have a specific time frame you need to be aware of. Exploring the SITUATION is about discovering what's happening in the moment. What are they faced with? How bad is it or not? By doing this you can create a strong move away from if it's a bad situation or a situation that they wish to address i.e. they be doing well and would like to be doing much better.

The questioning that you do at this stage will give you a great deal of information. As you do and find out what they are experiencing, you'll also discover what possible options emerge to assist them to improve the situation they find themselves in.

CIRCUMSTANCES:

This is about what has happened that lead to or caused (another "c") the current situation that they have. Your questions at this stage are about the past. Questions that discover what has happened to cause the current situation are asked of your client.

• What caused this?
• How long has this been happening?
• What decisions have lead to the situation?
• What are the circumstances that happened to create this situation?

These questions plus the one's you have asked about the current situation, gather information to assist you in finding a way forward. Not in all situations is it necessary for you to find the "cause". It most definitely is possible for us to coach a person to a solution, without knowing the cause or circumstances of "why" they have the situation.







OUTCOME:
So knowing the situation the client is in and the "circumstances" that have happened to put them in their current "situation" - what do they want?



This is the outcome question - "What do you want?" This question is future orientated and about what they want that is beyond their current situation. This requires them to be aware of what they have and where they want to be (gained from situation and circumstance).




Your questions will be about setting the outcome or goal they want to achieve:

• What do you want?
• What will change the curent situation?
• Knowing that you have what you have what do you want?
• How would you like things to be for you rather than what you have?
• What's the solution to your situation?
• What needs to happen so this never happens again?

These questions or similar variations of them, will focus the client on creating a way forward. Be very specific in defining what it is they want. Be precise at this stage and seek clarity of the exact goal or solution that will right the wrong or increase their experience. You will need to ask questions about your clients time frames, location, direction and intention (not all may be appropriate). Moving them on and beyond the situation and circumstances of the present and past.


Footnote: An important couple of questions to ask here are:

• How will you know you have achieved it?
• What is the evidence that will let you know that you have achieved your outcome?

These questions give clarity and specificity to them knowing they have achieved their outcome.








RESOURCES:

Having decided on the solution the next stage is decide on what the resources are that will support the outcome to be realised. The resources decided on will be a combination of internal and external resources i.e. attitude, mindsets, material or practical support items. Quality control the resources chosen. The questions asked at this stage, look and sound like:

• What do you need to gain the resources to achieve your outcome?
• What needs to happen to secure the resources?
• Are the resources available to you now?
• What do you need to do to gain these resources?
• When will you do this?
• Are the resources you need within your personal control - if not what needs to happen to gain their support?

Each of their resources may need to be goals in themselves and require time frames and specific steps to gain the necessary resources. Be specific about each of the resources identified and quality control check them as being required to achieve their outcome.





EFFECT:
This is the risk management component of the goal getting acronym SCORE. Questions asked here are questions that bring awareness of the effect of achieveing their goal. It will also include questions that ask about the ecology, expense and effort (all e's) required to achieve their outcome. These questions will be similar to:

• What if it doesn't work?
• What are the risks?
• What could may hinder your progress?
• What's worse case scenario for you?
• Are you prepared to make the effort required of you?
• When things could go wrong & what will you do - what is the solution?
• Are you prepared for both the positive and negative effects of you achieving your outcome?

By doing this you will make the outcome more robust and complete for your client. Ensuring their succes and inturn yours as their coach or trainer. Problems may come up as a result of these questions. If so, ask what the solutions are and the resources needed to overcome any possible setback.





Closing Comments:
All right then!

There you go. That'll get you going - for now.

Remember to incorporate some or all of the other techniques I've written and I am confident you will have at your disposal an excellent goal setting model. Wishing you well...




Picture: At the top: Robert Dilts - not met him yet but thought it'd be good to picture him here as it's originator.

Passion Plus Talent

Talent will get you noticed, passion will ensure you maximise your talents.

Have you got lots of talent and no passion?

Well there's a massive human talent pile, stacked higher than high with men and woman, boys and girls since the beginning of time who have no shortage of talent. Each and every talent they had was allowed to fade & fizzle away, because they had no passion to apply themselves and realise the talent they had been endowed with from birth. Give me a person with minimal talent, yet full of fired up passion - any day!

Talent will get you noticed and provide you with pride of place at the start line. It'll be passion though, that ensures you cross the finish line in 1st place. Not talent.

I don't think any of you will argue that passion supersedes talent. Over my many years as a Gym instructor and then a multiple gym owner I have seen many with what is called, natural born talent. Genetically, they have the total package, yet they lack the enduring drive to succeed that only passion can provide.

How's your level of passion for what you do? Take away passion and you'll have a job and not a life long conviction. Take away passion and you will be going through the motions longing for what you don't have. Time slows down, the body aches and you wish you were paid far more than you are to compensate for the day to day drudgery you endure.

When speaking with long term unemployed I would often use the statement - "Find a job you love and you will never spend another day going to work". It's likely you have heard the quote before, yet it describes the basis of a successful and fulfilling career.

Passion changes your perspective for what you do. It fuels the fire within you to endure hardships, unfair setbacks, and is found at the very core of all human resilience. Now, take that initial quote I said before and extend it even further:

"Find a job you are absolutely passionate about. One that you would do even if you were not paid to do it. Get really good at it and people will ultimately pay you handsomely for it"

Is it this that over arches all human success? Is it this that separates the "could-haves" from the "haves"? Is it this that determines the height of our success and the depths of our failings?

Show me a successful businessman, a world champion, a school graduate who passes with honors and you will find a level of personal passion in each one of them. The varying degrees of passion within them will determine their long term level of success, or not.

What are you passionate about? What turns your lights on? What fires you up or gets your wheels spinning? What? Does anything come to mind? If you had financial security and all your usual considerations and commitments have been taken care of. What would you want to do for a career? Think about it. What would you do?

Once you have answered that question. Apply yourself whole heartily to the pursuit and fulfillment of it. Let nothing hold you back. You will set all obstacles aside and nothing will stop you from succeeding. You will toil day in and day out. Others go to work and you are living your dream.

Life will ask of you to commit every fibre of your being to your passion, yet you will do so gladly. For that is what passion does, for those who find their true north in life and live out their passion. Whether it is in a career, sport, hobbie or study. Find your passion and live it. And your life will change before you.

"It's not what catches your eye as you journey through life, it is what touches your heart".

Picture: The logo at the top is of David Tua. He fights this saturday against Shane Cameron
- "Go the Tua-man!"

Resist and Suffer

I was coaching a client a few weeks back and she said how she had been a reformed alcoholic. She had been "dry" for 12 years. She also said how she was still an alcoholic and would always be one. Her question to me was, did I think she would ever be free from being an alcoholic? As she still had, at times, the need to consciously resist the desire to have a drink.

Another client I was coaching had decided to stay and strive in her beloved career (rather than suffer and surrender) But still had to meet with and interact with the person she was uncomfortable with. The question: would she be able to get to the point where that person no longer is able to fire off a negative emotional response within her via meetings, emails, reporting, phone calls etc... or would she have to consciously resist those negative emotions that arose from having to engage with this person -forever?

I was speaking to a reformed smoker who had given up smoking for some 6 months or so. He was previously smoked as many as 20 or more cigarettes a day. He had tried to give up a number of times before and this was the longest period he had been smoke-free to date. The problem he had: He had times when mixing socially where he smelt the aroma of a cigarette and found he had to resist consciously the desire to have a cigarette, whenever this happened.

Ok - now my point.


Settling for too Little too Soon
We settle for having moved on and overcome our old habits, yet we remain shackled to the past stimulus, be it alcohol, a person or cigarettes. We celebrate that change has occurred and yet console ourselves that we will remain always resisting the urge to take up the old behaviour or respond as we used to. And this is our fate.

I want you to have a different view of change. Rather than the view that change happens by degrees or in part. But happens completely! Yet we settle for less than what is possible.

A Cliche
You may have heard it before. If so, here it is again.

"What we resist - persists!"

Use your will to ignore something or some one and notice how hard it is. No matter how hard we try to stop thinking like that or doing that thing. It remains. And, in many cases wins and overcomes us. Defeats our every attempt to change. So much so, that we surrender to the old habit and accept that change is not for me.

Will you always be haunted by that smell, taste, emotion or person? Will change always be about having to fight the urge to resume it?

In my opinion and experience the answer is NO!

Congratulations that you've bought about change in your life. That you have been clean or free from that old habit for so long. If you have the urge or calling to return. If you have to at times consciously resist the desire, or to respond as you once did. Then you are not yet, changed fully.


Another View
As a non-smoker. I've never smoked. Do you think I am attracted to smoking a cigarette, drawn to buy a packet? Do you think that I have to consciously resist the urge to light up and inhale? As a non-smoker, do you think, truly, that I am in anyway compelled to ignore other smokers and an urge to join them and smoke?

Hopefully you answered NO. That's right I have NO urge or inclination to smoke at all!!!

This is the level of change that we must move towards when releasing an old habit. There is no fight, struggle or resistance towards what we once may have been or how we used to respond. There is nothing to ignore!

So, how do we move from being free from the behaviour of being an alcoholic, to being completely free from the desire to want to have a drink, and devoid from needing a drink to pass your lips?

That's the level of change we must move towards and not be left at the fringe of being truly set free yet still tied to the old habit or addiction (one and the same, in my mind).


Free from Resisting
Here are some key points for coaching a client, or for you to personally move beyond this limiting level of change. Where change has occurred, but there is still the need at times, for conscious resistance (act of will power) to backsliding into the old habit.

Here are some helpful points to consider:

• Be aware of that you do have some ties to the old habit or attractant
• Congratulate yourself and celebrate the path towards full change that you have made so far
• Decide to take your change to the next level
• Do not accept that the level of change you have is the best you can have
• Do not surrender to accept the level of change you have so far as being the best you could expect
• Decide to apply yourself to being free at every level
• Take on the attitude of being completely free

FREE means:

• I do not have to ignore "it" for there is nothing to ignore


• I do not give any emotional energy to "it".


• I pay it NO mind


• It doesn't deserve my attention, emotional energy, focus or time


• I focus on what I am now not who I was then


• I believe that true freedom from "it" is a reality for me with out conditions or effort


• I believe that there is no appeal for me in the old behaviour


• There is no importance or value whatsoever, in the old behaviour for me. (none)


• I have stepped mentally away and there is now acceptable distance between myself and the old attractant


• That you can be present with the old attractant and there is no urge or desire for it at all


• I am at peace when faced with "it"


• There is no struggle, I am at rest.

If you're a Coach then this is the level of transformation you are to deliver to your client. If you are wanting the height, depth and breadth of change I am talking about, then take on the points I have listed above. You may also have to remove the beliefs of accepting a lower level of change.



In Closing
I'm not saying that, as a confirmed alcoholic, you can have a drink again and not be consumed with it as you once were. I understand that there are those who have very addictive qualities and also it appears a gene may be present that, in the right conditions, can take over rational thinking and decision making. What I am saying is, you can abstain from anything without having to be constantly battling with it in your mind. That this is possible for you irrespective of the addiction!

In the past I have had my own "demons" to battle with. Be they people who had hurt me, drugs or unacceptable behavioural habits. I know personally that it is possible to get to the point where you pay "no-mind" to it or them anymore.

Why? Because you are free from it/them in every way.

This is the level of change that resides beyond using your conscious will to maintain personal change. It is the place of total freedom.

If you are a coach, learn how to do this for your client. If you are tormented a little or a lot. Find a Coach who can assist you with this, or alternatively my contact details are on this blog site.



Remember: "That which we resist - persists."

Stop the Fire Fighting

I want to get a quick run on the blog update board with this article.

So here goes...this wont take long...

• Are you tired of having staff come to you with problems?


• Are you tired of straining your brain to find solutions for problems staff have?


• Do you want to save time in dealing with day to day problems?


• You want staff to think for themselves?


• Have you had enough of being the source of all knowledge, and being drained by the constant flood of staff knocking on your door for answers?


• Want a quick and proven answer?

Read carefully...

When a staff member comes to you with a problem say to them this.

"What 2 solutions have you got for this problem?"

Did you get that?

Here's the same thing with a slight variation. Make an announcement to your staff like the following:

"Whenever you want to present me with a problem that you have identified, you are to bring with you, no less than 2 answers that are serious solutions to the problem you've identified".

So there it is.

The greatest time saver you'll ever put in place. It'll make your life a lot easier. Your staff will learn to think for themselves and wont that be great!

Some of the benefts Managers have shared with me, as a result of having introduced this simple approach, are:

• I have more time for things I need to spend time on.


• My staff are no longer knocking down my door with problems.


• The staff are actually thinking for themselves now.


• Staff have said they have a greater level of confidence in their own decision making.

Well it's up to you now. Will you make fire fighting your occupation or will you empower your staff to think for themselves?

Give this simple technique a go and let me know how you've found it. I'm confident you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

When the shit hits the fan and there's no where to hide. When you've done your best and it still isn't working. When all is never going to change and you've had enough. What can you do? What are your options? Whether it's an intimate relationship gone sour or you're in a bullying situation at work - what are your options?

You Have Only 4 Options

1) Stay and sulk:
That's right. Shut up and handle it some more, for longer knowing that, how it is is how it will always be for you. If nothing changes then nothing changes, so don't complain, just stay put and shut up! Unless, of course, you want to stay, bitch and moan about the situation, but you'll do nothing about it. I have seen this in some work situations. It's not what I would recommend however for some it is the option they choose. Perhaps because they think they can't leave or think they will never have anything better. Perhaps it's that they have been battered for too long and have surrendered to the regular treatment they get. Who knows, but stay they do.

2) Leave:
Now that is sometimes the perfect option. If you've had enough. When trying once more is no longer an option for you. It's time for you to pack up and leave. Make a run for the door. Get out of there! This is a workable, intelligent option, if the other 3 options are not for you. Do you know when to call it quits? What has to happen before you will leave and never come back? Answer those questions, and when you experience the scenario that determines you are to leave - then leave immediately!

3) Stay & Fight:
You think you're being treated unfairly and you're willing to say so, then make a stand for what you think is right. Fight for your rights! Approach the right people. Knock on doors, make phone calls, start a petition. Do what you need to do, to let those who need to know you're not happy, and how you want to see positive change. Many men and woman have changed the course of history because they were willing to stand and fight, for what they believed was right.

This is a good option, assuming you are prepared to pay the price, staying and fighting will bring your way. It takes energy to fight, emotional energy. It can be taxing and at times you may wonder whether it's all worth it.

Are you good for the fight? Do you know what it will cost you to do so? Do you have excellent support? Do you know when your fighting isn't working? Worst case scenario is... you may need to consider the other 3 options listed here, if fighting doesn't work for you.

4) Stay & Thrive:
This requires a complete paradigm shift. Although things don't change - you change. You change how you think about the situation or that person that has been irritating you. You have a new perspective on an old, difficult problem. This is the option I will typically coach a client to. To not stay and suffer or leave or even stay & fight, but to change how they think about it. Yes, this is a skilled area of Coaching. This is where you go to a place within yourself where you have a completely new perspective, that lifts you above and beyond the bullying, intimidation, irritation or fear of the situation. To a place where you are able to truly thrive where you once gasped for air and struggled physically, to maintain your place in life.

All that's initially needed is a desire to make things work, and a willingness to explore new ways of considering how things may be different. You may not know how but you do know you want to have a better perspective. Then that will be the seed that good Coaching will nurture so you can fully flourish in a situation that you once thought of as being dry and desolate.

Easy as 1,2,3 and 4

So there you have it.

Should you stay or should you go? Only you can decide that?

What you now know, are the options you have. You're better off with this information, rather than allowing the roll of a dice or the random selection of a card to decide for you.

Which option is the best option for you? Which one provides you with the strength to move forward?

Coaching Closes the Gap

This is where 1:1 specialist coaching can truly show it's worth in supporting you in making the decision of whether to stay or go. To me option 1 is an unacceptable choice, so coaching is needed for you to be empowered to try options 2-4. Options 2-4 all need support, and specific thought patterns to make them a success for you. Again this is the place of Coaching, to make each of these options viable for you.

I hope you're now more aware of what choices you have, so you can decide whether to stay or go.

For the video blog version of this article - you can watch an unrehearsed recording,

by clicking on the player below.

Expect Much & Suffer

We all have them, don't we?

A specific level of expectation when being served or waited on at a restaurant? A set, personalised standard, of what you can expect from fellow workmates, a product, or even the weather. If you live here in Auckland, you may actually expect the traffic on the motorway as you drive late to work, to be at an acceptable level so you can arrive on time, and also the traffic lights will turn green, at exactly the right time for you!

Sound silly? No, not really. We do this often.

We hold expectations of others, ourselves or even the natural elements of our planet. We want it to be fine and sunny so the washing can dry, or so we can go fishing with the kids or diving for Kina.

Ever given it any real thought, about how to place your expectations? How to ensure you'll never be disappointed and have your every expectation met?

Well... that's what I'm going to do here, in this brief blog on expectations.

They are, in my opinion an integral part of ensuring whether you will have a great life or a shitty one. Draw your seat in, adjust yourself, and focus your attention here on the screen and let's get to it...

Expectations Link With Emotions

If you have an expectation. That is, you have a specific desired outcome for a specific situation. You have determined how you want things to be, to turn out or to experience. In short you have a strong belief that this is how it is to be. (If you don't fit the description, then you're not dealing with an expectation).

If you get exactly what you expected then you are neither elated or sad. More like, you got it, and so you should, after all that was the expectation. So emotionally it is neither a positive or negative emotional experience for you, more a keeping of the emotional status-quo byway of your expectation being met.

If you receive more than you expected. That is, they exceeded your expectations (over delivered) then depending on how much your expectations were exceeded you will experience a positive elevation in emotion. Conversely, if your expectations are well and truly not met (under delivered) then depending on how much the shortfall is, will determine the level of negative emotion you experience, or down right highly pissed off about things!!!

Ok? Got the emotional connection now?

So what's my point?

By misplacing your expectations you can be setting yourself up for a world of horrible negative emotions on a regular basis - that's my point.

Expectations exceeded - excellent. Expectations that have fallen way short - life is absolute crap.

To free yourself from this dilemma there are specific rules that need to be in place. You'll have greater emotional management and free yourself from the trauma that can arise due to misplaced expectations by following the rules I've outlined below.

The Must Have Rules

1) You can ONLY place expectations where they can be meet with near 100% certainty:

Now where can you do that? With the weather - No! With the traffic flow at peak hour on the way home - No! With people in general - No! (please... don't tell me, your that 1 in a million that can control other people with near 100% certainty aye?) Shall we place them with the traffic lights turning green when you need them to? Got the idea? Good!

The only place you can place expectations with near 100% certainty is with.... YOU!

Have high expectations of yourself to achieve in life, to be honorable, kind, forgiving etc... And you may not know how, so have high expectations to learn how. Expect to get up each time life knocks you down. To be a good parent to your children and to treat people kindly. This you can do, can't you?

2) Expectations can only be placed on others if they are:

1. Made fully aware of them
2. Agree to provide them for you
3. Accept responsibility & accoutability if the are not delivered
4. Agree on the consequences for failing to provide you with your expectations

If you have not got each of these 4 points, then you can NOT place any expectations on another human being. Think about it. How many expectations do you have of others yet you have never discussed it with them or have had them agree to provide them to you. They could be your manager at work, work colleagues, children, friends, lover etc... think about when you were last upset with someone else. What was the expectation that wasn't being met?

If you want to have expectations of others, that's fine. You must however have agreement from them that they will both provide them for you, and also be held accountable if they do not.

Even then a warning. They are, as you are - fallible. They may not (even with the agreement) be able to deliver every time. Therefore, expect yourself to be forgiving, understanding, and supportive of them should they fall short in delivering your expectations.

3) With everything that exits outside of the first 2 rules all you can have is hope. You can hope that the traffic will be good and the traffic lights will turn green on time for you. You can hope that the weather will be fine,and the global recession will right itself soon. You can hope that people who serve you, will treat you well etc... And if these things do not happen, which you hope for, then have high expectations that you will always rise above them and remain in a good place emotionally and physically.

It'll Be A Good Place To Start

There is still much to learn about expectations. This was an introductory writing, that's all. Learn to uplift all expectations you have of others where you have do not have the 4 points I've listed above. People who have let you down, because they never lived up to them or ever new you had them, of them. By doing this, other people who do not meet those expectations will not have emotional power over you. After all, you placed the expectation on them, therefore you can just as easily remove them. If you have no agreement from them, you can not have any expectations of them.

Place hopes where you have no control, certainty or agreement. Have high expectations of yourself and monitor your progress, and be kind on yourself as you seek to realise the expectations you have of yourself. You're human, so you're bound to make the odd mistake here and there.

I have HOPE that you've enjoyed this brief intro' to expectations.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Self-Esteem Part 2

So... let's take a look at ourselves through different eyes. Firstly, what I'd like you to do is, quickly take a moment now to go look at yourself in the mirror, or if you don't have the time - think about what it was like for you when you last looked at yourself in a mirror.

What happens? A voice in your head saying "Yuck!" or "Your getting old..." or something similar? These are signs of low esteem. Let's leave this scenario for now (we'll return to it near the end) as I want to make some distinctions.

Distinctions

Self-esteem is about your the level of self-value or self-importance. And more specifically, how you determine your level of importance,worth or value. Answer this question for me: "How do I know I am of value, importance and worth?" Let's cut to the chase: Do you define yourself byway of external factors i.e. friends, family, job, income, looks, possessions etc... or byway of internal factors i.e. your thoughts, beliefs about self, personal self-regard etc...?

Self-Esteem is about esteeming oneself. That's it in a nutshell. Self-Esteem is a gift, that only you can give, to yourself. Yes this is one of those times when it truly is "all about you". It's not about what you own or who you hang-out with. It's not about the big home and the car you have parked in the drive. It's not about your looks, height, color or age! NO! No! no!

It's all about you valuing YOU! Irrespective of whether you have all the bling-things or popularity and warm hugs from those you love dearly. By the way, I do not use the term High Self-Esteem. High Self-Esteem is plagued with as many setbacks as Low SE. What I promote is healthy SE or optimum SE.

Have You Got it Yet?

So... have you learnt something about SE? How you define yourself versus how you express yourself are 2 different things. Be careful not to get them mixed up (I'll address these 2 in another writing). Your level of SE is determined by you - I'm suggesting that you take charge of it and begin immediately to value yourself, rather than discounting your self, like a cheap shirt in a second-hand clothing shop. You and only you, are to determine your level of worth & importance. Begin doing it now!

How?

Let's get back to that mirror scenario we started out with...

When you rise in the morning, and I'm assuming you at least pay a fleeting glance at what you look like, don't you? When you next do that I want you to stop, and look more closely at yourself, and say to yourself the words "I like myself". What's the bet you can't even do that without laughing or disbelieving it, by saying a critical "whatever!"(both signs of low SE)!

It'll take some practice wont it? To say it and truly mean it. That's a good start for you to begin to grow your SE to a healthy level. Once you begin to feel comfortable with saying this add these 3 sentences to the one you started with. Add them 1 at a time till each feels comfortable with you and string them together one after the other (this may take a few days - or not).

Here are the sentences:

• "I am a valuable person..." (Yes I am!)
• "I am a worthy & unique person..." (Yes I am)
• "I am an important person, and I love myself..." (Yes I am and yes I do)

The "yes I am" is said to confirm the previous statement and has a smidgen of celebration and joy sprinkled through the tone of your self-talk.

OK for now that will do to start you on the road. Yes, I know... there can be more to it than that. Stop making excuses and sounding like you need a psychiatrist and a bottle of pills (SE is not found in pills either!) - and get onto this.

It's time to redefine yourself - begin now... in fact, begin immediately.

This is a small abbreviated excerpt from a training I deliver aptly called "Self-Esteem" and also a module on SE from our 3 day training called Self-Leadership.

www.ignition.org.nz

Self-Esteem - From Where?

Self-Esteem Part 1

Who's that?

Looked in the mirror recently? What did you say when you saw yourself? Noticed your reflection in a shop window, while strolling along the street? What thoughts came to mind then? What are the most dominant thoughts that you hold in mind about who you are and the level of worth you hold true for yourself?

Let's talk about self-esteem (SE). Now... this is a "hot topic" for me and has been for a number of years. I personally believe that the level of esteem you have for yourself dramatically influences how you interact with those around you and how you respond, or not, in situations that arise daily.

There has been much written about SE. I have read and heard many theories of what it is and how you get it. SE drives a large multi billion doallr industry of coaching & training from coaches, workshops, public speakers to authors of books on every concievable angle to increase SE. High SE has been linked with high levels of personal achievement and at it's low end suicide, business failure and psycho-somatic dysfunction etc...

Well... that's enough about the world of SE. I want to, in this brief article, cut to the chase and give my views on what it is and is not. And even more briefly, provide a couple of ideas on how to grow SE. I make no apologies for stepping on the orthodox opinions of what is generally believed to be SE.

World View

Contray to the popular world view, SE is not "Bling-Esteem" nor is it "Thing-Esteem". Ones personal value when linked to bling: jewellery, pendants, watches, studs etc... or things: House, cars, status, income, fame etc... These "bling-things" are often linked, mistakenly to SE.

Will you have a healthy level of SE if you lost all your bling-things?

This question will determine whether you have SE or psuedo-SE.

So...

SE is not generated from bling-things. I'm not saying you should not own bling-things - what I am saying is, they are not to determine your level of SE. Sadly in many cases, the pursuit of bling-things results in this false SE. Although you may have all the bling, you'll lead an empty life and need more bling-things to satisfy your need for SE.

"Others-Esteem" is another psuedo type of SE. This is where your value is directly linked to other people.

"I feel valued and worthy when I'm praised by others".

"I'm nothing wthout you in my life!"

These comments and many others of a similar nature, reveal that the persons worth or value is directly linked to whether others value them or not. When the crowd applaudes you or the paparazzi are present clicking away, do you feel important? When popularity from others determines your value byway of public acclaim or praise recieved from the vast majority, or from your inner circle of friends or family. When you feel, or believe you are of value due to "others" this is not SE but "others-esteem".

Both bling & thing esteem along with others esteem, is not Self-Esteem. Yes, I know, this is how we often identify personal value or SE. In fact it is how the world portrays personal value and link it to ones level of success and personal worth. I call this type of SE - the Hollywood Syndrome. Those with Hollywood Syndrome are the likes of Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presely, Anna Nicole-Smith and Heath Ledger. Stars who by the worlds standards have all the bling-things and others who adore them. Yet each of them lead known empty lives and lacking true SE. Sadly resulting in the loss of their lives.

Finally SE is not "looks-esteem" either. Is your value or worth based on your personal appearance? To look a certain way, to be a certain weight, skin color or height? To have a specific age appearance, color of eyes or hair etc...? This is an issue that I faced, as mentioned in my earlier article on me now having Vitiligo. Will I determine my skincolor and tone, to define my level of personal esteem? By the millions people mistakenly link their looks to their sense of personal esteem. This is more common than not.

There is a multi billion dollar cosmetic industry growing rich because of the promoted need to look and be a certain shape or look. Cosmetic surgery is booming like never before and shown on popular TV shows beamed into our homes. Promoting extreme make-overs to feel better about yourself! All in an attempt to gain an increased level of SE.

What's Next?

What is self-esteem then? If it's not that - what is it? Where do we get it from? How do I gain an optimum level of SE?

I'll follow this article with answers to those questions.

What One Must Be

"A Musician must make music, an Artist must paint and a Poet must write, if he is to ultimately be at peace with himself. What one can be, one must be..." Abraham Maslow.

• Do you know what you must be?


• Do you know what it is that you identify as being?


• Do you know what you must become?

What do you identify yourself as? A Plumber, Painter, Butcher, Philosopher, Mother, Coach or Trainer?

Maslow, in his quote that I've written above, identifies the importance that each of us is to know what it is we must be. And to realise it by becoming it fully. To realise our potential and in doing so actualising ourselves. In essence, becoming that which we truly can!

Are you doing that today?

Did you contribute towards that yesterday?

Are you planning on doing that in the very near future?

Do you even know what it is that would be so fulfilling? So fulfilling that you would know you had become all that you can be!

Maslow writes that those who do not pursue who they must be, will ultimately be unhappy! So there's a connection - becoming the person I must be equals personal happiness. We seem to live in a world that pursues happiness byway of external activities. And the pursuit of happiness through others, yet in Maslows words it appears we can realise happiness by actualising ourselves by becoming the person we must.

• Who must you be?


• What is your purpose, here on planet earth?


• What is it that would truly fulfill your life's existence?

Big questions that you will need time to consider. Big questions that must be answered. Big questions; that in answering them you will know what it is that you must do daily to move closer to the person you are to become. Personal happiness will be found in the journey of actualising your potential in fulfilling that which you identify as being the ultimate expression of you. Just as the Musician must play music and the Artist must paint to be who they truly are. In doing so they express their essence, their very being is magnified in the activity they have committed themselves to. And in doing so, a sense of true personal fulfillment is experienced by them.

In brief, it appears that a fulfilling life is a life of actualising that which expresses your highest sense of self. For you - what is it? What is it that truly expresses the being within?

A Boys Journey

As a young boy I wanted to be a soldier and serve in the Army. As I grew up I found myself serving an apprenticeship as a Butcher. Later I became a Gym Owner and worked within the Fitness Industry. From one job to another, to another, to another. Fulfilling me momentarily.

Now, as a Corporate Trainer & Executive Meta-Coach I recognise a unique point that wasn't present in all of my previous jobs since leaving school. I no longer think of what I do as work. Work was once laborious, whereas what I do now is a labour of love. What was once laborious is now joyous. I don't even think of it as "work" anymore - more as a conviction. These distinctions, though small, are huge in determining whether what we do daily is in fact an actualising activity. Would I do it if I suddenly won $10,000,000's? Yes I would! Sadly many are working in jobs that are unfulfilling and meaningless. If anyone of them had a lotto win-fall they wouldn't turn up to work the very next day! This is a simple measure scenario of whether what you are doing is fulfilling you daily. If it is not - what will?

To find that which we must become, is to find the meaning of life. A life that has meaning and purpose. A life which you will daily contribute to, and in doing so, experience happiness and personal satisfaction in your career.

So... what is it that you must become. Once you know this, then you must become it!

Reject Rejection!

"No Thanks".

"I don't like what you've done".

"No! Not at all, and don't come back!"

"We regretfully write to inform you that..."

"I don't love you anymore..."

Any of those statements sound familiar? Heard anyone of them before? Maybe you've heard similar comments at some stage of your life. Let's call it by the name we most commonly know it by. Rejection.

Doesn't matter how you view it or listen to it. A rejection statement means just that. Piss off! Get out of here! Cut a track! Make like a tree, and leave! or the more common statement of - "F!#k off, and don't come back!"

Salespeople; Teachers; Coaches; Trainers; Managers; Receptionists; Telephonists; Politicians; Doctors & Nurses, and yes - you also; will face a moment of rejection or 2 (more like 1,000's) in your lifetime.

Is It Possible?

Can we overcome rejection? Can we rise above it and never allow it to taint us? Can we continually face rejection and remain unharmed by its barbs?

YES! Yes you can - most definitely. So... time for 3 principles that will quickly empower you to sail directly into the winds of rejection, and remain calm and centred when the words of rejection comes your way.

1: People do NOT reject YOU. They reject their thoughts about you:

It's never about you. Hell stop thinking your the centre of the universe. People think what they will and do not because of who you are or the product you sell, but what they personally think about it based on their own filtered perceptions and past experiences. They base their opinion about you on what they think. Be aware, that their thoughts and opinions about you are NOT YOU! Embrace that understanding fully - "People are not rejecting me. They are rejecting what they think I am, not actually who I am as a person because they do not actually know me". Furthermore, no person can reject another. This leads me to principle 2.

2: No one can reject me, only I am entrusted with that personal power:

The only person that can reject you is YOU! Wow - what a power. The power to esteem oneself and the power to discount oneself, and amazingly the power to reject oneself is all within your grasp. Count yourself as being valuable, worthy and accepting of who you are and who you are not. In doing so you fully accept, appreciate and honor yourself and overcome all forms of rejection the world will throw at you. You are one of a kind! You are completely unique and gifted with the power to fully embrace, and count yourself, or to reject yourself. No one else can do this apart from you. STOP allowing others to reject you, and claim your personal power back, standing firm, knowing that no man, woman or child can reject you - ever.

3: Rejection lays in the mind of the believer: Stop believing that others can, will, and do reject you. Come on now. Think about what you are doing by accepting that another can possibly reject you. You're giving your power away. You're believing that people can control you. That others determine how you think and feel and your personal worth. That you're emotional well being is manipulated by others and you are nothing more than their puppet. One day they accept you and the next day they reject you.

Who is in charge! Is this what you want? Is this the true meaning of life for you? NO! No more saying yes to believing that others can reject you and YES! to believing principles 1 & 2 above. Believe with certainty that no other person, letter; email or phone call can reject you. Not now, not ever! And now, celebrate your power of choice; of believing that no other person can possibly reject you.

Imagine for a moment how that will be in the days to come. FREE from rejection. Notice how the statements that would normally have rattled you a little or a lot now fall to the ground. Unable to attach themselves to you. At last free you're free from being rejected by others. Imagine what you'll be like when someone attempts to reject you in the future.

Knock... knock...

Conceive; believe and achieve! Rejection wont came round here no more! And, if it does, I wont be answerin' the door!

Many people are bound up by their concern of fear of being rejected. Stopping them from being who they can be personally & professionally. Act on the points I've listed above, and mentally play out in your mind, meaningfully, how it's no longer an option for you to allow others to reject you.

Have a great day, till next time - keep smiling!

www.ignition.org.nz

Copy Me!

Who hasn't done it? Most of us have! Businesses pride themselves on still doing it! ...and it's so common, you don't even question whether what you do is the best thing to do or not! So... what the hell am I talking about?


It goes by a number of names, the one you'll most likely know is " best practices" or the "sharing of best practices". In short, the idea is to gather together people who are deemed experts in their role. You have these experts share their best practices with a Team Leader or Manager, the practices are captured and then passed onto staff through the training & development arm of the business to the larger needy group of lower performers. All this is done in the hope that this will raise the level of competencies across the team or business to mirror those demonstrated by their top performers. Ultimately in a hope of increased productivity, revenue and efficiency.

So what's the problem with this approach? Everyone's doing it, so it must be right! Right?

Wrong!!!

Flawed from the Start

The technique is flawed from one very important angle.

The sharing of best practices is predominantly a behavioural skills approach. You find out what they "do" and then you teach those skills to others. Sounds pretty useful but lacks a very important ingredient. It lacks the specific mental attitude that supports the behaviour, that's being shared. It's a bit like copying the European styling and interior design of a high performing car, but not supplying it with a motor! Crazy? Yes, exactly, yet this is what's being done when we share best practices without the supporting mindset that drives these high performers to do what they do so well.

By modelling best practices and then delivering them via trainings, in the hope of raising the performance bar across an organisation, although it works to some degree, is destined for disaster. This strategy will work for those who have the right attitude but lack the internal skill sets for those staff who do not have the right attitude.

Many thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of training dollars, are wasted on attempting to elevate performance within an organisation byway of the sharing of best practices, when, what is needed, is the modelling of the specific mental framework that supports the best practices (with every behaviour there is an equal degree of attitude that drives it).

How do we do that?
It's highly likely that you don't have the skills to do this. This is a specialist skill set and not found on any corporate street corner. It's easy to copy the high performers behaviours because you can observe them. How do you copy and distribute an attitude? This is where a person with skills in mental modelling is required and they require the ability to also package this information and train others to gain similar results. The ability to succinctly identify the structure that drives the person to do what they do, and do it so well, is a must.

The sharing of best practices can improve performance, no doubt. That is actually the problem - it does work to some degree, and in doing so a corporate seduction occurs, that this is the right thing to do. It is not!

Model what they do internally, copy their attitude, beliefs, understandings, identity, value systems, what they count and discount as they perform, and much, much more. This is where the juice is for an organisation who wants to raise their performance to the next level of business excellence. Copy their best practices, mental framework and then package it in such a way that individual transfer will definitely take place. Do this and you will separate yourself from the "copy me" approach that is so prominent in business and sports today.

Use the same approach to your recruitment process and say good bye to employing the wrong person. Hard to believe? Then contact me.

For more details on applying this approach to your business contact me on 027 4774 560

Bye for now...

Trust - Where Did It Go?

What's a relationship, business or team without trust? Comments like "I can't trust her anymore..." or " He's broken my trust. I'll never trust him again." Are not too unfamiliar remarks from those who have for one reason or another, lost the trust they once had for each other.

Where did it go? How do I get it back? Can you get it back? Where did trust come from in the first place? This thing called trust, what's it all about?

Trust must be present in every human interaction where confidence, safety and service is important. It must be there in abundance and applied liberally in each and every situation, between work team members who wish to maintain both a productive and positive relationship.

OVER ARCHING

The umbrellaing principle that over arches trust is belief in what and who they are. Trust is able to be present fully, as a direct result of believing, that what a person says is true. By believing what they say, we allow trust to begin to grow and continues to flourish, when confirmation byway of action reinforces the initial belief that what was said to you is true. This creates a 4 phase feed-forward feed-back information loop which I have briefly outlined below:

1. I believe you are who or what you say you are.
   
2. I obtain proof of that you say is true by watching your actions or having it confirmed in other ways.
   
3. I reconfirm within myself and to others that you are, based on the feedback I've received - trustworthy
   
4. I develop a sense of trust for you over time.

The mystery of trusts origins lay in step1. It originates in your willingness to believe the other person is telling the truth. In my opinion, this first step relies entirely on you. You begin to trust others because you 1st decide that you will believe they are telling the truth. This original belief in others may in fact have a touch of skepticism and doubt, yet this tiny seed of trust has been sown between the 2 of you. Whether it grows or not will rely on how you interpret what the other person does or does not do.

Trust, once lost between people you work with or a product you have bought, (we can so readily put our trust in some very unusual things!) apparently is way harder to get back than it was to 1st give (can you tell I don't believe this?).

Loss of team trust between staff that work together or between staff and management is one I regularly work with to resolve.

GETTING it BACK

How do we establish trust again when once lost? To keep this article brief (which is what I've intended to do to this point) I'll quickly layout the steps I've found necessary for a team to regain trust for one another (works well for personal relationships also).

1. Identify where the mis-trust has occurred and what is required to correct the matter
2. Each party to "own" their part in the loss of trust between each other
3. Agree that blame and talking about the past is not productive and decide to find an agreed way forward
4. Establish agreed on attitudes & behaviours (AB) which align with correcting the mis-trust
5. The each person agrees to commit to the list of new AB's
6. Be willing to accept the likelihood that mistakes may occur as each learns the new AB's
7. Review & monitor progress regularly.

This process requires from its conception that each person have a degree or fragment of willingness to try to trust one another once again. This is where you must realise it will only work if you each commit to the process, and be willing to believe the other person once again.

If you are not going to do that, then accept things will not ever be the same between the 2 of you.

IMPORTANT TRUST POINT:

"Do I have to forgive and forget? I'll forgive but I wont forget!"

"...Then you will not regain trust." is my reply, when I am told this.

Yes, you are to be willing to forgive, and yes you must learn to forget! If you do not do both of these it will be as if nothing changed. You will be digging yourself a hole daily by not being willing to do both. You may not know how to forget but forget you can as too, can you forgive. Those who are not willing to deliberately forget will not regain the trust they once had.

So getting trust back is all about you - isn't it! It's about you doing the initial part. Being willing to enter into regaining trust by deciding you will begin to forgive and forget and to contribute to the renewing of this critical team component trust. Yes it can and often is complicated to get back. Can you get it back from wherever it went? Yes, most definitely and there are unique circumstances that each will face as each situation is different. The basis of it is laid out above. It's up to you if you care enough to want to begin the process.

Contact me if you're willing or needing to regain & re-establish the trust within your team once again or for yourself.

Bye for now...

The Cost of Teams That Implode

Following on from my previous blogg on conflict I wanted to write briefly about the cost of serious conflict within teams, in particular, teams that daily work together.

There are 2 specific categories of costs to teams. They are tangible and intangible costs. Let's start with the intangable.

Intangable Costs:

It is difficult to put a dollar figure on how much this costs a business in loss of productivity. I am talking about the emotional distress, headaches, ulcers, psych-somatic disorders that are directly related to the bitching, backstabbing and badmouthing that are symptomatic of a team that is imploding. Of the 2 costs mentioned my guess-timate is that the intangable elements cost an organisation far more in company dollars than the tangable & measurable costs of conflict.

The hurt and grief staff can carry around daily brought on by those they work with and the cascading effect passed onto other staff, not directly linked to the problem, create a compounding impact on the organisation as a whole.

All this stemming from 1 instance of continuing, unchastened, & poorly managed conflcit between team members. One common result is the decision of staff directly involved to limit their descretionary work effort to a minimal level, if existant at all. A loss of attitude among staff to "go the extra mile". Resulting in a minimalist approach to work, and the effort required to meet KPI's and deadlines.

Tangable Costs

These are the measureable costs. To the Financial Controller or the Line Manager, it's these costs they understand. They are able to currently monitor the direct loss of productivity or draw on the past cost of what unaddressed team conflict can cause to the business, literally in dollars.

Tangables like stress leave, absenteeisim, personal grievances, drop in productivity, loss of contracts due to poor service, health & safety. How much will you lose in dollars if you do not address the issues staff are having? Grab your calculator and add it all up and then add an additional 50% of that cost again, and still you will fall short of the actual cost of not effectively dealing with team conflict, bullying, bad-mouthing and backstabbing amongst team members.

The Solution

The combined cost of staff conflict is unacceptable to an organisation who wants to be a high performing entity. The combined loss of dollars and staff is well in excess of an accountants ability to move the decimal point further & further to the left followed by ever growing zero's. The solution will cost you dollars - but a small fraction of what the long term cost would be if you had not chosen to right the wrongs within a team.

The solution requires the following 4 steps, assuming you want to truely right the problem:

1. Individual Scoping & Team Diagnosis


2. Team Awareness of the Current Health Status & Committing to the Way Ahead


3. Individual 1:1 Coaching to Team Commitment


4. Team Review and Update of Future Agreement for Continued Synergy

This approach will take as many as 5-7 days spread over a 4-6 week period. Consistantly this approach resolves longterm conflict. Conflict that has been ingrained and fed a negative culture for years, has been resolved consistantly using this approach. Few Organisations in my opinion are truely committed to righting the inter-personal conflict that occurs in some teams and surrender to a quick-fix money saving approach rather than a "tried & proven approach" that gives lasting results.

If that's what you're looking for and you truely want a lasting approach to resolving a teams sabotaging behaviours then lets talk.

Factors For Team Conflict

Just as a Doctor is able to diagnose whether a person is healthy or not, based on an examination and a few strategic questions of the patient. I also, am able to identify the health of a team or determine the degree to which it is unhealthy, and what is required to bring it back to good health and high performance.

If you've ever wondered what you could expect to see in a team that is unhealthy. How they interact with each other at work, or in a sporting arena? I've listed only a dozen examples I've learnt over many years of successfully identifying the negative characteristics of Team low performance and how to effectively bring them back, to a new level of performance, team synergy & productivity.

The 12 Unhealthy Team Symptoms are:

• Blame Culture


• Meeting Avoidance


• Lack of Peer to Peer Respect


• Undermining Chain of Command


• Rumor Mongering


• Confrontational Communication


• Resistance to Change


• High Staff Attrition Rate


• High Staff Stress Leave


• Patch Protection


• "Us & Them" Culture


• Lack of Contribution to Team Problem Solving

...and, just for added values sake, here's another 3 for you...

• A "Me" rather than a "We" attitude


• Sabotaging of Previous Attempts to Correct the Team Problem


• Yelling at Each Other in Staff Meetings

Now... put all these pieces together, add people, stir for awhile (oh, they'll do that anyway!) allow nothing to be done to correct this till the late stages of "...I've had enough of this!" develops & sets in, and you have the perfect recipe for a team to successfully - self destruct!

Awesome how we can do this to each other and even sadder how common this is in the business world. Can it be rectified? Is it possible to recover from this? Can people heal their wounds and rise above the history they have between each other?

The answer is a resounding - YES!

Sure, it takes a special process and skill sets to successful bring the team through the difficulties they have with one another. It also takes a level of commitment from those in care of the team to be willing to commit to a long term solution and not a "quick-fix" which is so often the case.

If you recognise the symptoms as being present in your team, then the best thing to do is contact me, assuming you want positive change. In fact, to save you time, don't contact me unless you are committed to wanting the situation righted! The reason why I say that is because I am not willing to be another failed attempt that can be added to the teams list of "...we've tried this before!"

The diagnosis is this. The team can regain perfect health and back to working productively quickly and effectively. The question I have for you is "...are you willing to do what is necessary for the team to regain good health?"

I guess that is the question all General Practitioners ask of their patients "...are you willing to do what's necessary to recover from your ill health?" If you are - contact me.

email: col@ignition.org.nz

The Golden Rule

When asked to assist in realigning a team that has either minor or a major conflict within it, one of the most common requests is for those in the team to be willing to apply the "Golden Rule". This is one of the key rules of engagement that they wish to use as a guiding principle to begin to be more engaged positively with one another and get back to being a team, achieving the primary purpose they were formed for. This could be to win a national title, as in a sports team or to maximise their productivity, as a corporate team.

The golden rule (GR) is the rule that states, and in my own words, "...to treat others as you would like to be treated yourself...". This rule appears in one form or another across numerous cultures and religions on our planet. It has been around for many thousands of years, and in my own opinion, is as relevant today, as it was way back then.

In working with this rule as a facilitator, I have found the GR requires a number of considerations that need to be present to make it work effectively resolving how a team will use it to modify the way they interact with each other in a new and more empowering way, hopefully!

For the GR to work these are a few of the principles that I use to integrate it successfully:

The assumption the the GR has is, we assume that we both would like to be treated in the same manner. What I have found is no 2 people wish to be treated necessarily the same way as each other in the same situation. Nor do 2 or more people have an understanding of how each of them wish to be treated, at least not without prior agreement.

Initially for the GR to work we need to have a clear understanding of how each of us like to be treated. Otherwise we are at best, guessing for the other person and impossing our own model of the world on them. If you wish to avoid this, and make the GR stick, use these 3 stages to begin the realignment of the team to begin honoring the GR

Stage 1: Understand: Initially what I suggest is a slight change to the GR, which would read "...let me understand how you would like to be treated so I can begin to treat you that way..." This will require you to each share specifics on how you wish to be treated. It requires you to get to know one another. For some in the corporate sector, suprisingly, getting to know each other is a new concept! But know each other we must for the GR to begin to work.

Stage 2: Empathy: Develop and grow empathy towards the other person. Once we begin to get to know the person we can then begin to get a sense of, and an understanding of, what they like and do not like. This allows us to bridge the gap between what I like and they like. This is the ME - YOU model of relationship building. (more about that model in later writings).

While developing empathy for how others think & feel you can also draw into focus a touch of acceptance and allow that to grow also. Begin to accept that others are different from you, and may not wish to be treated in the "same" way as you do. Once you have a description and agreement between each of those involved you can then monitor progress and adapt as required to fine tune the GR's effectiveness for the team.

Stage 3: Contrast Analysis: Ask the question "How do I like to be treated and how do they like to be treated?" Notice the differences between the 2 mindsets (ME & YOU) and meet them with their needs not yours in a specific context you face together.

Example: The GR can go astray in this instance. When I have a different way of wanting to be treated than you. i.e. I like to be confronted face to face if any of my team members has a problem with me, and I will confront others who I have a problem with be, face to face!

This may work well for the one who likes to confront the other and do exactly the opposite for the person who prefers to take time and discuss the problem with others or thinks that a face to face meeting, when a problem arises, without a mediator present, is a highly confrontational situation and will further escalate the problem between the 2 team members!

Hopefully you get my point. The GR requires some intermediary stages before a team can take on the original meaning of "...to treat others as you would like to treated..." to do this successfully requires a close realtionship with many components present to make it a truley Golden Rule.

To know more about how to facilitate conflict between team members and apply the golden rule with a team setting, contact me directly.

email: col@ignition.org.nz