If NOT You Then Who?

Give these questions some though for a moment:

• Would you like people to notice the work you've been doing?


• Would you like people to think of you when they need a person with your skills and knowledge?


• Would you like to gain that promotion or advance your career?

If so then read on...

We have a cultural leaning away form any form of self promotion. That it is wrong to "...put the wind in your own sails". Here in New Zealand we are advised to "...let you efforts speak for themselves". By doing so, apparently you will be recognised by your works and gain promotion and recognition over time!

Here's a question for you... "Is your career important to you?"

My guess is you answered "Yes!" to that question. My reply to you then, is this:

"If it is so important to you. Why do you leave it to chance or other people to determine whether your efforts are recognised or not?"

Have you noticed how it is often easier for you to speak well of others and not yourself? Have you also noticed how famous people have image consultants, event managers and promotional experts working for them? And more importantly have you noticed that these famous people will also promote themselves and their accomplishments to the right people? That's right - they are capable of promoting themselves directly to others. In fact, often that is how they 1st started out. By knocking on doors and telling those who needed to hear how good they are. They did this on their way to becoming a world wide sensation. If you don't believe me then listen to some of the foundational speaches of Barak Obama's pursuit of the US Presidency, as an example of successful self promotion.

It's Not My Style

It's likely that you will initially struggle with this concept. That self promotion is not only important for your career's success, it is critical. I'm not talking about bragging to any and every one. I'm not talking about false declarations and nor am I talking about you pumping up your worth by being conceited while putting others down.

No! - What I am talking about is strategically positioned and well timed self promotional statements that promote your abilities and accomplishments in such away, that people become aware of what it is your doing and achieving.

If you're not going to do this and do this well - then who? Will you diligently work away at your job and leave it to others to "hopefully" recognise your efforts - or NOT?

Begin NOW

The need for you to be able to say positive statements about yourself and your abilities is integral in contributing to your success. (Think back to your last job interview). Self promotion is not about you braging, being a blow arse or a show-off! It's about you knowing who needs to know about you. It's about finding the appropriate way that you will let them know that you exist and are making a difference.

This will require you to learn how to do this and do this well.

Begin by making a list of who you are. Include in your list the personality qualities that you have i.e. motivation, diligence, collaboration, stick-ability etc... and format a short 15 second presentation that you can say confidently to others. In addition to this write one down about your success either at work or at home and in your personal life. Make this presentation as breif as a few seconds and as long as 20 seconds. Practice it and get good at being able to speak well of yourself. This will not only be good for opportunities that lend themselves to self-promotion but also for you to gain increased confidence in being able to speak well of yourself.

Once you've done that you'll need to be aware of opportunites that arise where you can speak well of yourself. It could be as brief as standing with a senior managersof yours in an elevator and letting them know that you are making excellent gains on a project they initiated (even if you haven't met them before) or it could be at a business dinner where you have an opportunity to explain the progress you are making with your team, budget, planning, intervention etc... Less is always better than too much. And to not do this is worst of all.

For now - this will be enough for you to make a start on your self promotion campaign. Practice it often and then look for opportunities to speak positively of yourself to those people that need to know.

The Covert Pessimist

Look for the silver lining inside every dark cloud, always look on the bright side, find something positive in every bad situation or say to yourself "...there are less fortunate people on the planet than me" and finally - "...always look on the bright side of life!"

I'm sure you've heard these statements or similar, once or twice before. Said by people who are promoting the importance of looking on the brighter side of life, when the chips are done or when life turns to custard. Some of us also know it by the question "Is the glass half full or half empty? (depends if your thirsty or not!) For those of us on the street we'd know the attitude in these examples as having a positive or negative attitude. For those involved in personality typing they're likely to call it optimism or pessimism. Either way it's all about how you interpret a situation you are faced with throughout your day.

I think there's plenty that's been said about optimism. You can read Dr. Martin Seligman's book called Learned Optimism and his other writings on the subject and optimism's well documented relationship with benefits for both our mental and physical wellness.

So... that's not what this article is about.

Entrenched Pessimissim

What I think that's needed (critical) is a more detailed understanding of how pessimism is so firmly entrenched in the very fabric of our being, that we do not recognise what we do and say, and is in fact, a constant pessimistic approach people have in general to the situations we face on a daily basis.

We can be so blinded by how we respond, to the point that we do not link our responses to having a pessimistic undertone. Usually because the mindset of pessimism is blended with other frames of mind like caring, protectiveness, achievement, love, clarity, trustworthiness etc.. and it is these frames that we are more conscious of and not the over arching driving frame of pessimism.

Let me explain by giving you 3 examples:

• Your staff call while you are out of the office. You recognise the caller ID. You answer the phone by saying "Hi. What's wrong?" (You care about your business and the staff and assume that something is wrong when there has been no reference to there being a problem)

• You have an upcoming exam that is very important for your advancement. You say to a friend " I'm so very nervous, I want to pass but it's going to be a tough exam." (You want to be successful in the upcoming exam yet frame the exam as being "tough")

• You want to go fishing with the kids in the morning. You say to the kids "It had better be fine tomorrow or it'll be just terrible!" (You want the fishing trip to be a success and the kids to enjoy the day and predict that it will be terrible if the weather is not fine)

Hidden within each of these statements you'll find the fragments of a pessimistic attitude. This is all too common when you set your mind to listen for it. At times it may even appear on the surface to be an optimistic approach, but it is not. Have another read over the statements above. Some are more obvious than others - are they not?

Pessimism, as I am defining it, is found in more than the balatant and typical situations of whether something is either good or bad, easy or hard, or whether you can or can't do something. It permeates other responses like:

• Regularly fault finding in what others say & do


• Negatively escalating a situation (Mountain out of a mole-hill stuff)


• Creating worst case scenarios that you are convinced are real


• Being suspicious of other people, unnecessarily


• Being fearful of situations that you've not experienced before


• Creating future situations that have negative outcomes


• Being overly protective of another person or project


• Doubting what others say to you


• Finding the exception to a situation that is positive or hopeful


• Responding with an opposite response to the point of view being offered

The list I've made is not comprehensive. It's not meant to be. I hope that it gives you an idea of how to recognise a pessimistic response when you next make one or hear one from others.

I'm not saying that a person who positively explores a worst case scenario is being pessimistic. What I am saying is, it is a common pattern of response that you make when presented with a situation. Do you default to a worst case scenario and then escalate it too an even worse case scenario etc...?

Know It & Eliminate It

What I'm wanting you to do, is be more aware of how you respond.

• Do you think of people as being untrustworthy, unreliable?


• Do you think of people as being put to get you or see the worst in people?


• Do you jump to conclusions about people that are actually unfounded but certain in your own mind.


• Do you see the worst in people?


• Do you find that you start more arguments with others, than they do with you?


• Do you doubt what people say more often than not?


• Do you feel insecure and inadequate?

Reading over these bulleted points, it could be easy for some readers to say "Hey, that's not a pessimistic attitude you've described there!" And, that is what I am talking about.

When I listen to a client while I am in coaching or training I often hear, what at first glance, appears not to be a pessimistic attitude. BUT - in my opinion, pessimism is found to be the over-arching theme that is present in what they are saying. Yes, they may say it's more about being safe, sensitive to who you can or can not trust and about not being gullible and getting sucked in by others etc... However - it is still NOT about having an optimistic view of the world and those around us!

I'm not saying that evaluating worst case scenarios is being pessimistic, quite the contrary. Positively analyse worst case scenario's and come up with solutions to them and implement them to mitigate the risks. That's an excellent approach. Burying yourself in worst case scenario's and escalating them to the tenth-degree as a negative, and in my mind, is not acceptable optimistic view.

There are plenty of reasons why we need to be aware of how our pessimistic attitude oozes out in all we do. From whether we can arrive at the office on time while being stuck in traffic or whether the person you love is telling the truth to you or not. Whether the fare the taxi driver is charging you is reasonable or the reason why your staff have not completed their time sheets on time is true. We are faced with situations daily and we have the choice whether we interpret each and every situation as being a positive or a negative.

How do you interpret frequent situations you are faced with? Even better, how do you interpret rare and infrequent situations? Do you implode or explode, as a direct result of what has happened? Do you find the possibility immediately or the impossibility?

A Lesson Worth Learning

This has to be one of life's simplest lessons. That you have 1 of 2 choices when faced with all situations. You have the choice when you listen, see and observe a situation to interpret it optimistically or pessimistically. You can always choose to find the good in what was said or the bad in what was said to you. In my opinion, no matter how you try to justify your negative attitude, it is still a negative attitude and therefore a pessimistic one.

Listen to how you respond - could you have chosen a more optimistic view at the time, no matter how bad it may have 1st appeared? Pessimism is more prevalent on our planet than optimism, is what I have found to be true. It seems to me that it is always easier to be pessimistic than it is to be optimistic about life's challenges. I'm not exactly sure why - perhaps it's the human condition at play, I'm not sure.

What I am sure about is, that we need to be more aware of how pessimism has seeped into our lives hidden in responses that we justify as being anything else other than - pessimism. Perhaps it's done to hold tentatively onto what we may think is an optimistic attitude, not comfortable to admit that we are in fact, more often pessimistic than we are optimistic!

Stress the Not So Silent Killer

I want to apologise for being a bit slow on writing this, my 1st blog for August. It's the 11th August and I haven't posted a blog to date, I'm sorry about that and plan on getting back up to speed straight away. So here goes...

What would you die for?

Your children? Your lover? Your Career? Your cat or dog? An attempt to break a world record? To save your house from burning down? Your car? To preserve your reputation?

What would you die for?

If your like most people, you wouldn't have likley, ever asked, such a question of yourself. Few people are ever put in a life or death situation and have had to decide whether they should do something which would risk their life.

The scenario I've been wanting you to consider is more the extreme end of deciding whether you live or die, yet there are daily pressures we put on ourselves, which over time, can indeed - kill us.

Stress Scale
A study of 5,000 people was undertaken to determine the level of stress people experience in 43 activities. The activities listed are ones we are faced with during the course of our lives. They retrospectively assesed their percieved level of stress of each of them and the top 14 activities I've listed below along with the score allocated to each of them. This list of stressors is known as the Holmes-Rahe Social Readjustment Rating Scale:

(They are prioritised as being the most stressful to the least stressful to deal with).

1. Death of a Spouse - 100


2. Divorce - 73


3. Marital Separation - 65


4. Imprisonment - 63


5. Death of a Family Member - 63


6. Personal Injury or Illness - 53


7. Marriage - 50


8. Fired from Your Job - 47


9. Marital Reconciliation - 45


10. Retirement - 45


11. Change in Health of a Family Member - 44


12. Pregnancy - 40


13. Sexual Difficulties - 39


14. Gain a New Family Member - 39

The researchers, Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe suggest that a score of 300 or more is a strong indicator that your stress levels are too high and will have a negative impact on your health and well being. They also suggest, that a score of 150 or less means you have relatively low stress levels.

A closer look brings some interesting perspectives. How about Divorce which scored as number 2 and scored 73 points. Have you ever heard of people holding a "Happy Divorce Party"? That's right they are holding a party, celebrating that they just got divorced! How about including marital separation too? Another happy, amiable seperation! Then there are those that go to prison (#4 - 63 points) who are pleased they'll now have a roof over their head and 3 meals a day.

What I'm getting at here is stressors, are unique to each of us. What seriously stresses one person out i.e. under ground caving by 1 person vs claustrophobia experienced by another while caving. One persons joy can be anothers horror. Stress is as individual as you are.

We've all observed people getting seriously stressed out over something and stood wondering how the hell does that small thing cause so much stress! (or am I the only one who has seen this happen?). When this happens, you'll find often that the stressed person is quite vocal about what it is that stresses them out - thus the title: Stress, the NOT so silent killer.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that has worried themself sick at some stage in their life, over something. I've found myself in the past, staying awake late at night, unable to get to sleep and forgotten what I was doing, while supposedly at work during the day. My unique stressors occuping all my thoughts and draining me emotionally as each dragging minute passes by. Loss of focus, energy and at times, losing the will to go on with life. This is no joke and sadly many can be so stressed that they take their own lives or the lives of others (not good!).

I read recently that 3 people here in NZ had committed suicide because their homes had been completely ruined due to damp rot. The house had been constructed with non treated timber and as a result was rotten and unable to be repaired, so the house was worthless! I didn't see loss of your home scoring high in the Holmes-Rahe scale, yet people have taken their lives due to the complete loss of the value of their home.

Useful Stress Tips

Knowing that stress is a unique experience it'll be a good thing for you to know what you can do to minimise it. In my coaching I often come face to face with clients who are emotionally drained and stressed due to either a clash with work collegues or at home in their personal lives. It definitely can be like unravelling a badly tangled fishing line, yet well worth it in the long run.

Here are 7 effective strategies (there are many more) you can use to lower the intensity of those things that are stressing you out:

ONE:

Write a full description (leave nothing out) of what it is exactly that is causing the stress. Include your own attitude towards the stressors as well as all of the external factors. Ask yourself "Is this really as bad as it seemed, now that I have written it out?" It's likley that you now see it for what it is (pseudo stressor) and are better able to deal with it. If so, deal with and move onto more difficult things than what was previously stressing you out. We too easily make mountains out of mole hills!

TWO:

Identify if the stress is either in the past or future. If the stress experience is in the past understand that you can not turn the clock back and change what has happened. What is done - is done! Decide what you can do today about how you will think differently about what has happened to you in the past. What happened can not change - how you think about it can.

How would you like to think about things that empowers you while also allowing you to positively learn from what happened? Should it ever happen again in the near future, how will you deal with it differently? Celebrate your learnings and focus on the present and plan for the future.

If the stressor is in the future. What the hell are you doing? It hasn't happened and you want it to be awful and that is why you are thinking terribly, to the degree that you are stressed the hell-out about something that hasn't even happened and is highly likely - not to!

Decide what the problem is that you are faced with in the near future and make an effective plan to minimise the problems that you forsee in the future. Focus on what you can do and mentally rehearse a positive outcome. That approach is way better than traumatising yourself unduly and then focus on what you need to do in the present to make the future materialise the way you want it.

THREE:

Rate the level of stress that you are currently experiencing from 1-100 (1 being very low). Decide, by writing a list, what must be done to cut it by 50%. Prioritise the list and focus on the 1 thing that will make the biggest difference immediately. Ensure that what you need to do to lower it is within your own personal power and is not reliant on other people changing 1st. Make an immediate action plan on how and when you will undertake and complete the required actions that will significantly lower the stress.

FOUR:

Make a list of activities that you can do that make you happy. They are to be activities that do not include spending money, alcohol, drugs or another person. Once you have the list (preferably 12 or more activities) work at creating a situation where you are able to string together 3 or 4 of these activities back to back.

FIVE:

Write a daily list of what you are grateful for. This is an attitude of gratitude journalling. Do it daily and do it 2-3 times per day. If you find it hard initialy, that's ok. DO it any way and write down the smallest of things that you are grateful for. Become mindful of being ever more grateful as the days and weeks progress. At the end of each week re-read what you had written for that week and entertain the idea of how good it is to be greatful for both small and big things. The attitude you gain from doiung this exercise will make dealing with any stress, easier.

SIX:

Imagine that you were the creator of all the Universe. Journey in your mind out into the universe and look back on our beautiful planet, from a distance. Think of how long the planet has been delicately balanced in space for millions of years. Think also of the time that it has been here and how long you have been living on planet earth. Imagine the many years you have yet to live and the many thiings that you have yet to do. The things you know you want to do and the numerous things you'll do that you don't even know now! When you think of the length of time that has been and has yet to be. How small does the stress in your life take up when you compare it to the larger time line of the planet and you life so far? Knowing that... what do you need to do to lower the stress in your life? Make a list. Go and action that list immediately.

SEVEN:

Spend time with those people who care for you deeply. Eat, walk, talk and share with them. Remember how loved you are and those who love you now and those have loved you in the past. Draw strength from them. How would they want you to respond to the stress in your life? What advice would they give you knowing they have only empowering and uplifting advice for you? Make a list and action that now.

Well - coaches, trainers, manager, friends... there you go. You now have 7 strategies on how to minimise your stress levels or 7 techniwues you can use in coaching a client. Remember, if you have stress in your life you'll continue to have stress if you do not do something about eliminating it or minimising it, so do something about it immediately.

Life is too short to waste time on unnecessary stress.

Give Your All & Nothing Less!

This blog is a follow on from the one I wrote earlier titled "The Need for Obsession". I hope you continue to be challenged by what is in my opinion, the effort that is required of you if you want to be exceptional and master what you have chosen to do with your life.




Still Doubting?

Is there any doubt that it is possible to achieve maximum results without giving maximum effort?

Is it possible to achieve all time greatness and do it by applying yourself in a mere average casual manner?

Surely it is true that a champion performance will require a champion build up and a long list of champion sacrifices. Show me where it says that success comes easily. Show me someone who has attained their all time best performances on a global scale, and committed only partially to their own success. Where does hard work, dedication, sacrifice and long hours of applying oneself to the fulfillment of a life long dream NOT ask of you - your all? Asks of you your every fibre of being, every drop of blood stained sweat and demand fully of you, your precious time and your money.

For those who seek out the dizzying heights of Olympian success in business, sport or adventure. They know that they can not withhold a mere minute from being cast onto the fires that rage within them, to succeed at the elite level. It was Vince Lombardi that said, "...those who think winning isn't important, have never won anything." And what I say is "...those who think that you can lead a well balanced life and achieve maximum results. Results that define you as a person who is in the elite category of your chosen pursuit. And at the same time, be able to lead a well balanced life. Are clearly unaware, of what it takes to achieve maximum results at the highest level".

They Don't Wanna Know

The average Joe on the street doesn't want to know that the gold medalist has lost his home, health, wife and children to represent his country. They don't want to know that the property investor has spent tireless hours studying, negotiating and searching for the best investment deals and has had to bounce back from many losses before she made tose millions as a real estate broker.

The average Joe wont accept the true cost of success. The deep need to be obsessive and excessive to achieve the exceptional results we hear about in the media. It's far too easy for them to attribute this level of success to God-given talent, excellent parenting and genetics or a stroke of good luck. Rather than consider these people have worked tirelessly and have understanding and supportive loved ones who were there, every step of the way, long before success ever came knocking at their door.

The majority of the public only want to know the success stories and believe it was an over night success sensation. Without any mention of the long tireless hours of practice, the sore muscles and early mornings followed by late nights with many setbacks they've experienced. They want to believe that it is possible to lead a balanced life and achieve at the highest level. This is as far from the truth, as the lie that the moon is made of cheese and geese lay golden eggs!





A Universal Law
The universe has a law known as cause and effect. A broader description goes something like this and can not be avoided - your success in life will always "equal" the exact level of effort and time you commit to practicing and developing your talent. Read and re-read it till you get it, and get it good. There are no short cuts, there are no overnight successes and there is no free lunch!

I'm not talking about those who rise to the level of being above average, nor am I talking about those who have success on a local or regional scale. I am talking about those few who have left their mark on the profession they specialise in as an outlier for all to see, a benchmark of achievement that few, if any, will ever attain again.

The annuls of history hosts many of these excessive and obsessive elite men and woman spread across a broad spectrum of professions:

Ronald Trump, Barack Obama, Mother Theresa, Micheal Jordan, Michael Jackson, Howard Hughes, Tiger Woods Cassius Clay, Venus & Sarena Williams, Bob Charles, Michael Campbell, The Beatles, Bill Gates, Mozart, Beethoven, Sugar Ray Leonard, George Foreman, Sonny Liston, Lance Armstrong, Valerie Villi, Dame Susan Devoy, Michael Phelps, Buck Shelford, Colin Meads, Whitney Houston, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, Sir Howard Morrision, Roz Savage, John Key, Helen Clark...

Does your name deserve to be their?

Many, many names are missing. One thing they all have in common is they each have applied themselves totally to their chosen path and achieved an equal measure of success relative to the effort and time they contributed. This will never change.

Show Me The Easy Way
There is no short cut. Give a little receive a little. Give a lot receive a lot. It's as simple as that. Whether it is to achieve in education, health & fitness, martial arts, business and sales, coaching, training, presnting, politics, investments, marriage etc... the universal law of maximum effort births maximum results can not be ignored or avoided.

Try to cut corners and lead a balanced life where your time and effort is equally spread over the week and you will find that you'll achieve a well balanced level of success (which may be what you want) BUT never will you be a person who leads the field on a global basis.

If only it was as easy as leading a balanced life. If only we could run an accounting formula that gave equal portions of: time, effort, focus, commitment, discipline to each of lifes necessities and be assured of elite level success. If it was that easy we would all be standing on our own mountains. Instead we are left in amazement at the champion who stands atop of the highest summit of the mountain known as success. We applaude those few who have conquered it and we comfort ourselves by thinking that, that level of success is absolutely possible by maintaining an effective work-life balance and by avoiding any excess or obsession!

The exact same type of thinking leads people to believe that rabbits pop out of hats and alien abductions are a regular occurence.

Important Footnote:

My definition of work-life balance:

Where an equal spread of both time and effort is evenly distibuted amongst the daily demands that the typical home has i.e. work, family, freinds, children, work, rest, play, sleep, houshold chores, bathing, paying the bills, education and birthday parties etc...

It's not about the quality of time you spend with activities or people outside of your passion (although this is important), it is about the equal distribution of time and effort over a 24 hour period, 7 days a wee,k 52 weeks a year. (Quality time away from your passion is important though, when you can squeeze it in that is!)

That's what work-life balance is meant to be - and it isn't found anywhere in the lives of elite success magnets!

A Good Dose of Hatred Will Fix It!

There's no shortage of it, is there? Hatred that is.

In our modern times there are so few, who really hate. There are a lot of pretenders out there who hate a little for a short period of time but it's rare for me to find someone, or a group of people, who can really hate, with any real intensity. When you do come across a person who is at least half descent at hating, it's amazing what they can do and how quickly and how long they can maintain their drive, direction and determination. Awesome to watch!

We have acts of hatred beamed into our living room and onto our plasma TV's, at family prime time viewing. We have acts of hatred, bold typed on the front page our daily national newspaper, for all to read. We have acts of hatred posted on website after website, for all to log onto if they so desire.

There are infamous and unforgettable acts of hatred throughout our history. Acts that have left their own carbon imprint for all future generations to see and hear, of the atrocities and unmentionable acts, fuelled by people driven by hatred. There is no shortage of hate crimes and increadible in-humane acts of violence, torture thrust onto innocent people from continent to continent.

I'd like you now, to consider a different view and the use of hate. One that I have found to be a very powerful use of it in both coaching & training, of this all too often, mis-represented emotion.

A Young Lesson

I remember my grandmother saying to me as a young man, not to say I hated someone and reminded me that hate is a "strong" word. It's rare for a word to be classified as being "strong". In fact I've never heard of a word spoken of in such away, yet I've heard parents say the same thing that was said to me, to their children "... don't say hate. Hate is a strong word and you don't mean - hate. You mean you dislike it".

For those of us who understand the technique used in that sentence it's called reframing. Taking the raw meaning of hate and changing it, by reframing it to mean something else. In this case de-escalating the meaning to "disliking".

• What if hate was able to empower us to deliver consistent acts of kindness?


• What if deep hatred, rightly placed, was used to change the world positively?


• Is there another side to hatred, that we are overlooking?

I was approached by a national rugby team and asked if I could help them turn their losing streak around. After asking a number of questions of what was happening, I soon found out that there was no difference in the atmosphere in the changing rooms between when they lost a game or when they won! The short version of what I recommended was that the team would win more when they - hated losing and hated it so much ,that winning was the only option for them? The coaching and management staff made the necessary changes we discussed, to ensure the team learnt to hate losing and they broke the losing streak they were having.

One sure thing that I know personally and is often found in a sporting context, is that winners "hate" to lose. And it motivates them powerfully. Have you ever thought of how important hate is, to drive you positively? I know that personally my hatred of losing in my former professional sporting career and in my business life, powerfully drives me to succeed.

How about you?

Put Hate In Its Rightful Place

When you really hate consistently coming 2nd, you'll begin to take 1st place more often.

When you realise that losing sucks and it hurts you deeply when you lose - you will do what it takes to win and win more often? But only if you hate losing enough.

• When you hate the poverty in your town - what will that drive you to do about it?


• When you hate injustice what will you then do about it?
• When you hate failing will you then succeed more often?


• When you hate prejudice enough, what will that do for you?


• When you hate the extra weight you have been carrying around your belly, will you then make the necessary changes to your diet and activity levels?


• When you hate having no money and constantly broke before your next pay day, what could that do for you?


• When you hate the place you work enough, what will you do about handing your notice in and finishing that horrid job?

Do you understand the real strength in the word hate and the powerful emotional labels that accompany it. When you do realise its powerful uses you will begin to tap into a very useful resource for those of you who coach, mentor, train or lead others? (and yourself).

The use of hate and all the meanings and emotions that accompany it, when focused positively, can make a powerful difference in your life. Sadly, many have to dive into the very depths of hatred, about what it is that they believe to be unfair and injustice, before they will take action and do something about it. For some I meet, they wont change until they actually hate the situation they are in, and then, finally, they'll take action and make the change needed.

In my opinion and from personal experience, hate has an important part to play in motivation, direction, intention, purpose and success, for those we coach and train.

A strong word hate? YES - it is in deed, a very strong word. A word that has had too much of a bad rap and needs to be seen for the power it has in making a positive difference in generating change. For some, hate is the much needed catalyst they have been looking for to make and sustain the long term change the need.

Use it wisely, use it sparingly, but use it all the same and give yourself permission to use it when you must. And hate will deliver the results you've been wanting.

Important Footnote:

For those of you with an NLP or Neuro Semantic background, you will realise the importance and potential hate has in driving change byway of meta-programs. If your also familiar with the NS model of Meta-States you'll know that to use hate, it must be textured appropriately to create a gestalt that is positively loaded with the right meanings for the desired outcome.

There will also be coaches and trainers who are so "wired" (you'll know who you are) for generating change through "...love, hope and inspiration etc..." that they will literally be robbing their clients of the potential hate has in facilitating sustainable change for some of their clients.

What Are You Teaching Them?

My understanding about learning is, we are always learning. In fact we are never not learning. We are learning machines, wired to learn from our very first breath and as we grow we learn from our every experience we have on our life's journey.

This can be either good or bad. It can make us or break us for we are constantly learning.

So I figure that the flip side of always learning is that we are also, always teaching.

You with me on this?

Are you paying attention?

Stay with me and pay close attention... now!

We are teaching others in our every communication, gesture, grunt or wave of our hand. In our every email reply, our twitter posting or regular blog posts. We are teaching others when we yell, shout or whisper to those near us or across the room. This teaching we are doing is conveyed to those around us and may not necessarily be conscious and deliberate learning but non-conscious and covert learning. Parents teach their children about life's likes and dislikes before they themselves can say "...mummy" and this learning stays with them well on into their adult lives. If children are the reflection of their parents then staff are the reflection of management and students are the reflection of their teachers and lecturers etc... in either whole or in part.

How many of you have now begun to struggle with this message. (Startin' to feel a little uncomfortable, aye?)

A good teacher remains conscious of what they are teaching their students and knows how both the formal and informal lessons are both important and contribute to the total learning experience the student has. Over time this will reflect in their behaviour and attitude and provide a framework which they will use to guide their career - or not.

An Example or Two

Managers who are not aware of the way they respond to staff when they make a mistake or achieve the months KPI's will be teaching their staff how to respond in similar situations in the future. You may have taught them by your response, that it's unsafe to make a mistake at work, so hide it if you do. That you don't get praised for achieving the months KPI's, so they've learnt to not push any harder than they need to, as the extra work goes unnoticed by management.

A daughter breaks a much loved ornament and brings the pieces to mum crying with the many pieces in her hand. Mum growls and is angry at the daughter and tells her that she is clumsy and did a dumb and stupid thing. What is mum teaching in that brief moment of time? That it is unsafe to tell mum when you've done something wrong. In the years to come mum may be heart broken as her daughter no longer shares her hopes and dreams or concerns with her mother and the lines of intimacy have been drawn.

A husband says some sharp words to his wife in a heated argument one evening. She responds by being upset and goes to their room crying. He realises that what he said was inappropriate and unkind. He tentatively goes to her and says in a sincere manner, "I'm sorry honey, I didn't mean what I said and I shouldn't have said what I did. Please forgive me". She tells him sorry wont fix it and then takes the offensive and pushes him away and starts her on barrage of words. He repeats his apology to her, with her not accepting it, followed by a day or more of distancing and detachment.

What do you think he has just learnt? (please reverse the gender roles to better suit your own situation). I'm sure you've got it, aye? That's right, he's (or she) learnt not to apologise as it does nothing to fix things between the 2 of them. If the kids are present at the time, they also have learnt how to respond when it's their turn to fight with either mum or dad!

You'll have your own examples of these all too common situations of teaching others based on our responses. I have specifically focused on the negatives in the examples I've used. There are of course positives that are taught to others in exactly the same way. At the very point of every response you make, as the direct result of a specific situation that has occured. You are teaching others how to or how not to behaviour should a similar situation arise for them in the future. In essence, you have created an expectation response within the other person (good or bad?).

Awareness of What You're Doing

Become more conscious of how you are responding to others. Ask the question "What am I teaching them if I respond in this manner?"

If you want others to be more aggressive then treat them aggressively. If you want them to be forgiving then show them forgiveness. If you want a situation to escalate where negative emotions become an acceptable way to react then model that to others. If you want a person to tell the truth then reward them for telling you the truth even though what they have said may have hurt you.

The world has an uncanny way of reflecting back to us what we put out there. What are you projecting to those around you? What are you teaching them with your every response? And is there a need for you to consider a change for the better?

Do you truely understand the role that you have played in creating the behaviour or attitude that you are experiencing from others, based on how you have responded to them in the past? Do you understand that you have in some small way contributed to the attitudes and behaviours around you?

I wonder, what is it exactly, that you are teaching them?

Mistake Maker

Take some time to think about this situation.

You're a bank processor and are loading a clients overdraft request that has been cleared by your Manager. The overdraft request is for an extension of $100,000.00's, which you are now to load into the system and make available to the client.

It's been one of those days and in your haste you load the overdraft incorrectly. Without realising it, you innocently load the client with access to an overdraft of $10,000,000.00's that's right - 10 million dollar's. Well, the electronic flag's at your work are raised immediately (thank goodness), due to the large amount loaded and management are now aware that an error has occurred. For whatever reason, they did not address the problem immediately.

In the mean time, the client, realising his additional overdraft windfall, electronically withdraws 3.8 million dollars and he and his partner quickly leave the country (they do a runner! - bye NZ!).

How would you feel if that really was you that did the processing error?

How would you want to be treated by your employer?

The story continues...

This actually happened a few weeks ago here in Rotorua, New Zealand. This week the lady who made the error, is being brought before a committee and is likely to lose her job as a result of her oversight. The papers report that she is "no-spring chicken" and has 30 years experience in the banking industry. It looks as though she will be sacked from her job due to her mistake and be unable to pay the mortgage on her house. Oh, and her Manager only got a warning and remains employed with the bank. This is a true story!

Your Reaction

Consider these questions:

• How do you react when someone you're managing makes a mistake, causes an error or does something wrong or out of character?


• How do you speak to them?


• How do you treat them?


• How do you approach them?


• Do you seek to understand them and show compassion towards them?


• Do you forgive and pardon them?


• Do you evaluate all the circumstances and the different perspectives unemotionally?


• Do you seek for a positive outcome for all those involved?


• Do you negatively escalate the situation emotionally, beyond what it should be?


• Do you at every opportunity throw their mistake back at them to remain dominate over them?
• Do you take advantage of the situation to exert your dominance over them and belittle them?


• Do you make the most of the opportunity to gently bring them to an awareness of the cost of the situation and seek to support them through the learning they can gain, from having made this error in judgement?

Quite a few YES or NO questions aren't there!

How do you typically react when your son's or daughters make a mistake. How do you treat your friends, workmates or an unknown driver in the car in front of you on the motorway, when they screw up?

Personally, I've made some humongous mistakes in my life. I'm very likely going to make many more.

Have you? have you made a mistake or 2? And if so, how did you like to be treated when that happened to you? How would you prefer to have been approached? How would you like the ensuing conversation to be carried out?

The Situation

There are 2 sides that need to be considered for a truly successful outcome to occur when mistakes are made. There's the response from the person who made the mistake and there is the response from the person who is directly affected by the mistake. I'm focusing here, on your response to someone making a mistake that affects you. In a later article I will focus on how to respond when you are the person making the mistake.

In this instance (best case scenario) the person who has made the mistake is taking full responsibility for the mistake they have made (no excuses). They accept liability and are accountable for it. They also are hurt that they did it and saddened by their lack of accuracy, skill or attention which has caused the error to occur. They may even have bought the error to your attention and could have successfully blamed others for it or hidden it and you wouldn't have known about it at all. This is the type of person who has made the mistake (for the sake of this article).

NOW... how would you treat them, how would you deal with the situation?

Depending on how you do deal with this will determine a number of things:

• Whether they will come to you in future when they make other mistakes.


• Whether they fear you and the consequences that they'll receive again if they make a mistake.


• Whether they will try to lie their way out of a similar situation in the future.


• Whether they will learn that taking responsibility for your mistakes is the right thing to do.


• Whether they grow from the experience and learn to never make it again.


• Whether they learn to be compassionate and forgiving to others who make mistakes that impact their lives.


• Whether they begin to lose their confidence and make more mistakes.

Pretty powerful stuff, aye! (all dependent on how you respond).

And all this is highly dependant on how you will respond to them when the make an error, an oversight, poor lack of judgement or in the bank processors example, a misplaced decimal point!!!

Make a list of how you would like to be treated when you make a mistake.


See if your list aligns with some of the key points that I've listed below, that will ensure a positive outcome is reached when you're faced with having to deal with a person who has made a mistake which they are taking responsibility for.

• Step away from the emotion of the situation. (cool off if you have too)


• Suspend your judgement and opinions (start with a blank slate)


• Seek to understand how this came to happen. (ask questions for clarity)


• Listen to them without interrupting them.


• Support them emotionally.


• Show them compassion & empathy for how they feel for what they have done (doesn't mean you agree with what they have done).


• Seek to find a positive solution for all parties involved (solution based focus)


• Ask what they have learnt and what they will do to ensure this does not happen again.


• Be forgiving and seek to understand the situation from their perspective


• Speak to them in a gentle tone of voice and manner. (no yelling and throwing your arms around)


• Create a safe environment for them to speak honestly and openly to you about what happened.


• Make the time and place appropriate to discuss what happened.


• Thank them for being responsible and accountable for their part in the mistake.

Well there you go! You now have a few more ideas on how to address this situation when it happens to you (it will if it hasn't already), whether you are a mum, son, or senior manager.

(oh, and a plug at schools - you also need to get better at doing this too! Read an upcoming article titled "What are you teaching them?")


I hope that you'll be more aware of the role that you play, when faced with having to deal with someone who has made a mistake in your life and the mistake, accident or error impacts you. It's a defining moment for you both. If dealt with correctly, it can become an opportunity to grow you both.




Oh, as for the bank processor story told at the beginning:



"What a pathetic way to deal with an honest and innocent mistake made by one of your employee's.

Shame on you WESTPAC BANK!"

For more background on this banking blunder, click on:

http://www.3news.co.nz/National/Story/tabid/423/articleID/105533/cat/640/Default.aspx

Break the Rules

The title speaks for its self, doesn't it?

How good are you at breaking the rules? How good are you at challenging what has always been done? So often I find myself amazed at how many organisations are still doing what they have always done. Not ever challenging why they do what they do or even consider the possibility, that things can and could be done in a better, more innovative way.

The rigidity found in systematising a process, be it in a thriving business, in training and development or a coaching methodology, in my opinion, destroys the long term potential for progress and success.

Temporay Solution

Initially it appears innocent, to formalise a process, even benchmark it and standardise it. Initially all those involved support the establishing of rules or guidelines that provide a sense of direction and sequencing of steps to the job being undertaken. It even brings about a sense of unity among those who agree that this is how we will do things i.e. customer service, a coaching processes, training delivery techniques, HR performance management etc...

Doing this also brings a sense of comfort and security to the group or staff involved and everyone gains the understanding that we are all "...singing from the same choir sheet". At first glance it all looks great! But things are often not as they appear.

The Problem

The formalising and cementing of "due process" immediately eliminates the possibility of being able to operate outside of that framework. While the framework was designed to help and support the business or it's customers. It also cuts off the possibility of assisting those that fall outside of it.

I come across this mentality on a near, daily basis (where process over rules service) and one recent example comes to mind. On Monday evening this week, Lena and I were at a Roast dinner Shop and I ordered a roast pork dinner. I asked the person serving me, if I could buy some additional crackling (crispy, roast pork skin - yummy!) and I was told that they don't sell the crackling separately! Was I a satisfied customer? - NO! (I was clearly outside of the acceptable rules put in place for the businesses effectiveness, but NOT for the customer's satisfaction!).

Look for these examples throughout your day, and you will find many to choose from.

Education is one that comes to mind, where the student is to learn at a speed and rate that has been agreed on for the age of the child, by the educational sector. If you your child doesn't fit the process they have set, then your child is classified as a poor learner and may now require special attention. Mental Health is yet another example, you are to fit into the DSMIV manual or a similar diagnosis tool, and if you do not, then you are the problem, not the system of diagnosis being used. And if you do not respond to the treatment or clinical therapy offered, well... you most definitely are at fault!

Let's go for another, while I am on a role. Training delivery and coaching organisations that have a specific model or models they base their certification on. It will likely be established on credible research and proven to be an effective method of delivering training or providing coaching. It will also be endorsed by the "leaders" in the field as being of great value further supported by testimonials of very satisfied clients. (must be good then...)

So what's the problem? That's easy for me to explain, and much harder for those groups to accept the message I have for them. The very methods they use to define their certification and the way training is to be delivered (learning styles is 1) or coaching is to be performed. Eliminates the freedom to challenge, change or consider new approaches, as it falls outside of the agreed and accepted models that now define that profession.

The process originally used to define the group and position themselves into a niche market, has now become a prison for them. While initially offering security and safety, it also locks out change and progress, because it challenges the hard earned status quo they have fought so hard to establish (we can't allow that now can we!).

History is littered with the martyrdom of men and women who were labelled as heretics or maveriks because they challenged the current accepeted way things were done. In the old days they were burnt at the stake, recieved wipings, hung by the neck and left to die or drowned. Today these people are ostricised from the corporate in-crowd, lambasted corporately via emails, trialled by management and the HR department and dimissed from their position, or similar.

Wanted - More Mavericks!

For long term continued progress we must eveluate the relevance of what we are doing, not accepting the models that define the profession as being fixed in stone and to be fought over to the death to ensure they are kept sacred for the many years ahead. We need to have the flexibility to consider change that was never considered before. We need to embrace the possibility that there are newer and better ways to do what we do and have done so, for far too long.

• Learn the rules to break the rules!
• Challenge what is accepted as an effective means to do what you do!
• Consider the possibility of "what if we are wrong about this...?"
• Entertain the idea of a new approach that may be the opposite to what has always been done!

Are you willing to be a maverik of a sort? To look at what has always been done and consider is that true in all situations? Could it be, that what we consider unacceptable practice, is in fact an opportunity to make new advancements in our porfession.

Conformity and uniformity is the death of long term progress and innovation. Change or die is the message being hearalded to all businesses and professions.

May we always celebrate those who say they "...see things and wonder why, when others see things and say - why not!

Footnote:

The NLP & NS communities need to be aware of the dangers of formalising their processes. And the part it plays in destroying the long term advancements that can be made through continued progress and evaluation. Remember Ashley's Law of Requisite Variety?

The Real Corporate Virus

We've all done it to one another. We've been used as an example of it in front of workmates or family members. It's highly likely we're going to do it again soon. And it destroys sustainable business performance, all of our relationships, the level of staff engagement and our inter-departmental communication. (to name but a few)

What is it?

BLAME!!! (easy wasn't it?)

Harmless?

Everyone at every level does it, so what's the problem? Come on... it's not that bad, after all -there's gotta be a scapegoat for every screw up, doesn't there?

Shorten the Word

Take the "B" off of the word blame and that's what's happening at every level of an organisation. The workplace will be LAME, disabled, limp and disenabled, as a direct result of allowing blame to blossom and bloom.

As long as blame is promoted as an acceptable way of dealing with low performance or failures. There will never be an opportunity to truly achieve the collective potential of a team, business or relationship. Blame will always be the reason why staff are irresponsible & unaccountable. They totally lack ownership of what they do and why they are not succeeding. Blame allows unacceptable behaviour to rule and provides for a way out of taking any responsibility for not realising KPI's or achieving service expectations.

Blame ensures that bullies remain in their roles and offers everyone the chance of being a victim for a day or more. High performance will never be a reality as long as blame is allowed to permeate the walls of the corporate boardroom. Few businesses address the blame culture that has spread globally. Few Chief Executives will actively inoculate their senior management team from being able to use blame as a valid reason for poor performance.

• What will you do to eliminate blame from your workplace?


• Will you be willing to no longer blame others for your poor performance?


• Will you take ownership of what you do and say on a daily basis?


• Will you no longer blame others for how you feel or think?

Set Yourself FREE

I wonder, if you will or will not remain with the vast majority and continue to blame others for why you are not performing as you should at work?

It takes so little to seperate yourself from the rest of the corporate blamers. All you have to do is take full and complete ownership of what you do and say. What you don't do, and for what you do - do. It's that easy!

In doing so, you seperate yourself from the world of blamers and begin to determine your own destiny and the level of personal performance you achieve.

It's up to you. To blame or not to blame - that's the question.

More To Come

I will write more on this topic, as it is, in my opinion, the basis of the majority of the hurts we experience at work and within our 4 walls, when at home. It is the foundational mindset for all long term change, byway of a coaching conversation. Refusing to blame, is the over arching principle of all those who beat the poor odds that life throws at them, and still... they succeeded!

Eliminate blame from all you do and say. Take ownership of what you do (and don't do), and how you feel (irrespective of what others do). And you will begin to personally determine the quality of your own experience, in all aspects of your life, on a daily basis.

The Corporate Lethal Weapon

There's a secret self-defence program you'll find in the meeting rooms of corporate businesses and in the morning tea rooms of every big or small employer across our country (and yours). It's not a martial art, nor is it an Olympic sport. It's not taught at the local gym, yet is present in the majority of homes you'll call on. Once learnt you become a lethal weapon, making Mel Gibson look like a marshmallow of sorts and Bruce Lee a 1970's martial arts geriatric.

You'll destroy lives and the potential of those around you without even lifting a finger! You'll be skilled in fighting multiple opponents, whether they are standing around the photocopier or speaking to you in the Executive boardroom.

So what is this lethal weapon of maximum, human destruction?

A Trained Assassin
The lethal weapon, is in fact a skill. A skill, being a mixed blend of many language systems and negative reinforcing psychological loops (which I will explain in a later article). It's where we've learnt the ability to attack and destroy one another by using scathing, derogatory and degrading comments at another person or a group of people.

When you've become highly skilled at this Art, you have the ability to find offence at the smallest of remarks and escalate it to the 10th degree, to eliminate the person your speaking with using multiple unsolicited remarks aimed strategically at their most vulnerable points (usually a combination of personal and behavioural inadequacies) to cut them down to size. If not permanently then momentarily. As a race of people we are exceptional at doing this to one another. We seem to be natural at destroying one another with our words - as if we were trained, verbal assassins.

I am in awe of how well some of those I have come across in the corporate sector are able to do this to one another, and NOT able to recognise their level of absolute mastery, at destroying lives of those around them, with their tongues, via their scathing remarks.

No Confusion - Please!

Please don't confuse this with the communication skill of mediation or conflict resolution, as that is a specific communication process with clear guidelines in the hope of achieving a positive outcome for all parties. In the lethal weapon style of communication, there are no rules, nor is there a positive outcome for all parties. Only 1 outcome is achieved and pursued, which is the preferred speedy elimination, of the person you are speaking to and your own exaltation, by any means possible - so that you win!

It's about winning and being right and to hell with anything else. Paying no heed to the effect it has on the relationship with the other person or the consideration of any long term consequences. It requires you to see yourself as being totally right (irrespective of the evidence showing the contrary) and no need to reflect on what you have said (let alone ever think there was a need to apologise).

Remember - it's about dominance and winning. It's that primal animal instinct to kill, maime and destroy, at it's corporate best!

• Have you come across a person like this in your meetings, corridors or morning tea rooms?

• Have you had the pleasure of being chopped up verbally by a person with this skill set and left in emotional ruins, while trying to exit the staff meeting with some dignity?

• Have you said something ,with no intent to cause harm of any kind. And found yourself backed up onto the boardroom ropes by a barage of verbal blows, stunned and confused at how a simple innocent communication, could be taken so badly?

• Do you recognise yourself as being the person who is the skilled Corporate Lethal Weapon I've described above? (highly unlikely!).

If you have - then return for my next article on how to successfully defend yourself against the Corporate Lethal Weapon and how you can transform yourself, if it's you - that's causing all the grief in the workplace .