Stress the Not So Silent Killer

I want to apologise for being a bit slow on writing this, my 1st blog for August. It's the 11th August and I haven't posted a blog to date, I'm sorry about that and plan on getting back up to speed straight away. So here goes...

What would you die for?

Your children? Your lover? Your Career? Your cat or dog? An attempt to break a world record? To save your house from burning down? Your car? To preserve your reputation?

What would you die for?

If your like most people, you wouldn't have likley, ever asked, such a question of yourself. Few people are ever put in a life or death situation and have had to decide whether they should do something which would risk their life.

The scenario I've been wanting you to consider is more the extreme end of deciding whether you live or die, yet there are daily pressures we put on ourselves, which over time, can indeed - kill us.

Stress Scale
A study of 5,000 people was undertaken to determine the level of stress people experience in 43 activities. The activities listed are ones we are faced with during the course of our lives. They retrospectively assesed their percieved level of stress of each of them and the top 14 activities I've listed below along with the score allocated to each of them. This list of stressors is known as the Holmes-Rahe Social Readjustment Rating Scale:

(They are prioritised as being the most stressful to the least stressful to deal with).

1. Death of a Spouse - 100


2. Divorce - 73


3. Marital Separation - 65


4. Imprisonment - 63


5. Death of a Family Member - 63


6. Personal Injury or Illness - 53


7. Marriage - 50


8. Fired from Your Job - 47


9. Marital Reconciliation - 45


10. Retirement - 45


11. Change in Health of a Family Member - 44


12. Pregnancy - 40


13. Sexual Difficulties - 39


14. Gain a New Family Member - 39

The researchers, Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe suggest that a score of 300 or more is a strong indicator that your stress levels are too high and will have a negative impact on your health and well being. They also suggest, that a score of 150 or less means you have relatively low stress levels.

A closer look brings some interesting perspectives. How about Divorce which scored as number 2 and scored 73 points. Have you ever heard of people holding a "Happy Divorce Party"? That's right they are holding a party, celebrating that they just got divorced! How about including marital separation too? Another happy, amiable seperation! Then there are those that go to prison (#4 - 63 points) who are pleased they'll now have a roof over their head and 3 meals a day.

What I'm getting at here is stressors, are unique to each of us. What seriously stresses one person out i.e. under ground caving by 1 person vs claustrophobia experienced by another while caving. One persons joy can be anothers horror. Stress is as individual as you are.

We've all observed people getting seriously stressed out over something and stood wondering how the hell does that small thing cause so much stress! (or am I the only one who has seen this happen?). When this happens, you'll find often that the stressed person is quite vocal about what it is that stresses them out - thus the title: Stress, the NOT so silent killer.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that has worried themself sick at some stage in their life, over something. I've found myself in the past, staying awake late at night, unable to get to sleep and forgotten what I was doing, while supposedly at work during the day. My unique stressors occuping all my thoughts and draining me emotionally as each dragging minute passes by. Loss of focus, energy and at times, losing the will to go on with life. This is no joke and sadly many can be so stressed that they take their own lives or the lives of others (not good!).

I read recently that 3 people here in NZ had committed suicide because their homes had been completely ruined due to damp rot. The house had been constructed with non treated timber and as a result was rotten and unable to be repaired, so the house was worthless! I didn't see loss of your home scoring high in the Holmes-Rahe scale, yet people have taken their lives due to the complete loss of the value of their home.

Useful Stress Tips

Knowing that stress is a unique experience it'll be a good thing for you to know what you can do to minimise it. In my coaching I often come face to face with clients who are emotionally drained and stressed due to either a clash with work collegues or at home in their personal lives. It definitely can be like unravelling a badly tangled fishing line, yet well worth it in the long run.

Here are 7 effective strategies (there are many more) you can use to lower the intensity of those things that are stressing you out:

ONE:

Write a full description (leave nothing out) of what it is exactly that is causing the stress. Include your own attitude towards the stressors as well as all of the external factors. Ask yourself "Is this really as bad as it seemed, now that I have written it out?" It's likley that you now see it for what it is (pseudo stressor) and are better able to deal with it. If so, deal with and move onto more difficult things than what was previously stressing you out. We too easily make mountains out of mole hills!

TWO:

Identify if the stress is either in the past or future. If the stress experience is in the past understand that you can not turn the clock back and change what has happened. What is done - is done! Decide what you can do today about how you will think differently about what has happened to you in the past. What happened can not change - how you think about it can.

How would you like to think about things that empowers you while also allowing you to positively learn from what happened? Should it ever happen again in the near future, how will you deal with it differently? Celebrate your learnings and focus on the present and plan for the future.

If the stressor is in the future. What the hell are you doing? It hasn't happened and you want it to be awful and that is why you are thinking terribly, to the degree that you are stressed the hell-out about something that hasn't even happened and is highly likely - not to!

Decide what the problem is that you are faced with in the near future and make an effective plan to minimise the problems that you forsee in the future. Focus on what you can do and mentally rehearse a positive outcome. That approach is way better than traumatising yourself unduly and then focus on what you need to do in the present to make the future materialise the way you want it.

THREE:

Rate the level of stress that you are currently experiencing from 1-100 (1 being very low). Decide, by writing a list, what must be done to cut it by 50%. Prioritise the list and focus on the 1 thing that will make the biggest difference immediately. Ensure that what you need to do to lower it is within your own personal power and is not reliant on other people changing 1st. Make an immediate action plan on how and when you will undertake and complete the required actions that will significantly lower the stress.

FOUR:

Make a list of activities that you can do that make you happy. They are to be activities that do not include spending money, alcohol, drugs or another person. Once you have the list (preferably 12 or more activities) work at creating a situation where you are able to string together 3 or 4 of these activities back to back.

FIVE:

Write a daily list of what you are grateful for. This is an attitude of gratitude journalling. Do it daily and do it 2-3 times per day. If you find it hard initialy, that's ok. DO it any way and write down the smallest of things that you are grateful for. Become mindful of being ever more grateful as the days and weeks progress. At the end of each week re-read what you had written for that week and entertain the idea of how good it is to be greatful for both small and big things. The attitude you gain from doiung this exercise will make dealing with any stress, easier.

SIX:

Imagine that you were the creator of all the Universe. Journey in your mind out into the universe and look back on our beautiful planet, from a distance. Think of how long the planet has been delicately balanced in space for millions of years. Think also of the time that it has been here and how long you have been living on planet earth. Imagine the many years you have yet to live and the many thiings that you have yet to do. The things you know you want to do and the numerous things you'll do that you don't even know now! When you think of the length of time that has been and has yet to be. How small does the stress in your life take up when you compare it to the larger time line of the planet and you life so far? Knowing that... what do you need to do to lower the stress in your life? Make a list. Go and action that list immediately.

SEVEN:

Spend time with those people who care for you deeply. Eat, walk, talk and share with them. Remember how loved you are and those who love you now and those have loved you in the past. Draw strength from them. How would they want you to respond to the stress in your life? What advice would they give you knowing they have only empowering and uplifting advice for you? Make a list and action that now.

Well - coaches, trainers, manager, friends... there you go. You now have 7 strategies on how to minimise your stress levels or 7 techniwues you can use in coaching a client. Remember, if you have stress in your life you'll continue to have stress if you do not do something about eliminating it or minimising it, so do something about it immediately.

Life is too short to waste time on unnecessary stress.

Give Your All & Nothing Less!

This blog is a follow on from the one I wrote earlier titled "The Need for Obsession". I hope you continue to be challenged by what is in my opinion, the effort that is required of you if you want to be exceptional and master what you have chosen to do with your life.




Still Doubting?

Is there any doubt that it is possible to achieve maximum results without giving maximum effort?

Is it possible to achieve all time greatness and do it by applying yourself in a mere average casual manner?

Surely it is true that a champion performance will require a champion build up and a long list of champion sacrifices. Show me where it says that success comes easily. Show me someone who has attained their all time best performances on a global scale, and committed only partially to their own success. Where does hard work, dedication, sacrifice and long hours of applying oneself to the fulfillment of a life long dream NOT ask of you - your all? Asks of you your every fibre of being, every drop of blood stained sweat and demand fully of you, your precious time and your money.

For those who seek out the dizzying heights of Olympian success in business, sport or adventure. They know that they can not withhold a mere minute from being cast onto the fires that rage within them, to succeed at the elite level. It was Vince Lombardi that said, "...those who think winning isn't important, have never won anything." And what I say is "...those who think that you can lead a well balanced life and achieve maximum results. Results that define you as a person who is in the elite category of your chosen pursuit. And at the same time, be able to lead a well balanced life. Are clearly unaware, of what it takes to achieve maximum results at the highest level".

They Don't Wanna Know

The average Joe on the street doesn't want to know that the gold medalist has lost his home, health, wife and children to represent his country. They don't want to know that the property investor has spent tireless hours studying, negotiating and searching for the best investment deals and has had to bounce back from many losses before she made tose millions as a real estate broker.

The average Joe wont accept the true cost of success. The deep need to be obsessive and excessive to achieve the exceptional results we hear about in the media. It's far too easy for them to attribute this level of success to God-given talent, excellent parenting and genetics or a stroke of good luck. Rather than consider these people have worked tirelessly and have understanding and supportive loved ones who were there, every step of the way, long before success ever came knocking at their door.

The majority of the public only want to know the success stories and believe it was an over night success sensation. Without any mention of the long tireless hours of practice, the sore muscles and early mornings followed by late nights with many setbacks they've experienced. They want to believe that it is possible to lead a balanced life and achieve at the highest level. This is as far from the truth, as the lie that the moon is made of cheese and geese lay golden eggs!





A Universal Law
The universe has a law known as cause and effect. A broader description goes something like this and can not be avoided - your success in life will always "equal" the exact level of effort and time you commit to practicing and developing your talent. Read and re-read it till you get it, and get it good. There are no short cuts, there are no overnight successes and there is no free lunch!

I'm not talking about those who rise to the level of being above average, nor am I talking about those who have success on a local or regional scale. I am talking about those few who have left their mark on the profession they specialise in as an outlier for all to see, a benchmark of achievement that few, if any, will ever attain again.

The annuls of history hosts many of these excessive and obsessive elite men and woman spread across a broad spectrum of professions:

Ronald Trump, Barack Obama, Mother Theresa, Micheal Jordan, Michael Jackson, Howard Hughes, Tiger Woods Cassius Clay, Venus & Sarena Williams, Bob Charles, Michael Campbell, The Beatles, Bill Gates, Mozart, Beethoven, Sugar Ray Leonard, George Foreman, Sonny Liston, Lance Armstrong, Valerie Villi, Dame Susan Devoy, Michael Phelps, Buck Shelford, Colin Meads, Whitney Houston, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, Sir Howard Morrision, Roz Savage, John Key, Helen Clark...

Does your name deserve to be their?

Many, many names are missing. One thing they all have in common is they each have applied themselves totally to their chosen path and achieved an equal measure of success relative to the effort and time they contributed. This will never change.

Show Me The Easy Way
There is no short cut. Give a little receive a little. Give a lot receive a lot. It's as simple as that. Whether it is to achieve in education, health & fitness, martial arts, business and sales, coaching, training, presnting, politics, investments, marriage etc... the universal law of maximum effort births maximum results can not be ignored or avoided.

Try to cut corners and lead a balanced life where your time and effort is equally spread over the week and you will find that you'll achieve a well balanced level of success (which may be what you want) BUT never will you be a person who leads the field on a global basis.

If only it was as easy as leading a balanced life. If only we could run an accounting formula that gave equal portions of: time, effort, focus, commitment, discipline to each of lifes necessities and be assured of elite level success. If it was that easy we would all be standing on our own mountains. Instead we are left in amazement at the champion who stands atop of the highest summit of the mountain known as success. We applaude those few who have conquered it and we comfort ourselves by thinking that, that level of success is absolutely possible by maintaining an effective work-life balance and by avoiding any excess or obsession!

The exact same type of thinking leads people to believe that rabbits pop out of hats and alien abductions are a regular occurence.

Important Footnote:

My definition of work-life balance:

Where an equal spread of both time and effort is evenly distibuted amongst the daily demands that the typical home has i.e. work, family, freinds, children, work, rest, play, sleep, houshold chores, bathing, paying the bills, education and birthday parties etc...

It's not about the quality of time you spend with activities or people outside of your passion (although this is important), it is about the equal distribution of time and effort over a 24 hour period, 7 days a wee,k 52 weeks a year. (Quality time away from your passion is important though, when you can squeeze it in that is!)

That's what work-life balance is meant to be - and it isn't found anywhere in the lives of elite success magnets!

A Good Dose of Hatred Will Fix It!

There's no shortage of it, is there? Hatred that is.

In our modern times there are so few, who really hate. There are a lot of pretenders out there who hate a little for a short period of time but it's rare for me to find someone, or a group of people, who can really hate, with any real intensity. When you do come across a person who is at least half descent at hating, it's amazing what they can do and how quickly and how long they can maintain their drive, direction and determination. Awesome to watch!

We have acts of hatred beamed into our living room and onto our plasma TV's, at family prime time viewing. We have acts of hatred, bold typed on the front page our daily national newspaper, for all to read. We have acts of hatred posted on website after website, for all to log onto if they so desire.

There are infamous and unforgettable acts of hatred throughout our history. Acts that have left their own carbon imprint for all future generations to see and hear, of the atrocities and unmentionable acts, fuelled by people driven by hatred. There is no shortage of hate crimes and increadible in-humane acts of violence, torture thrust onto innocent people from continent to continent.

I'd like you now, to consider a different view and the use of hate. One that I have found to be a very powerful use of it in both coaching & training, of this all too often, mis-represented emotion.

A Young Lesson

I remember my grandmother saying to me as a young man, not to say I hated someone and reminded me that hate is a "strong" word. It's rare for a word to be classified as being "strong". In fact I've never heard of a word spoken of in such away, yet I've heard parents say the same thing that was said to me, to their children "... don't say hate. Hate is a strong word and you don't mean - hate. You mean you dislike it".

For those of us who understand the technique used in that sentence it's called reframing. Taking the raw meaning of hate and changing it, by reframing it to mean something else. In this case de-escalating the meaning to "disliking".

• What if hate was able to empower us to deliver consistent acts of kindness?


• What if deep hatred, rightly placed, was used to change the world positively?


• Is there another side to hatred, that we are overlooking?

I was approached by a national rugby team and asked if I could help them turn their losing streak around. After asking a number of questions of what was happening, I soon found out that there was no difference in the atmosphere in the changing rooms between when they lost a game or when they won! The short version of what I recommended was that the team would win more when they - hated losing and hated it so much ,that winning was the only option for them? The coaching and management staff made the necessary changes we discussed, to ensure the team learnt to hate losing and they broke the losing streak they were having.

One sure thing that I know personally and is often found in a sporting context, is that winners "hate" to lose. And it motivates them powerfully. Have you ever thought of how important hate is, to drive you positively? I know that personally my hatred of losing in my former professional sporting career and in my business life, powerfully drives me to succeed.

How about you?

Put Hate In Its Rightful Place

When you really hate consistently coming 2nd, you'll begin to take 1st place more often.

When you realise that losing sucks and it hurts you deeply when you lose - you will do what it takes to win and win more often? But only if you hate losing enough.

• When you hate the poverty in your town - what will that drive you to do about it?


• When you hate injustice what will you then do about it?
• When you hate failing will you then succeed more often?


• When you hate prejudice enough, what will that do for you?


• When you hate the extra weight you have been carrying around your belly, will you then make the necessary changes to your diet and activity levels?


• When you hate having no money and constantly broke before your next pay day, what could that do for you?


• When you hate the place you work enough, what will you do about handing your notice in and finishing that horrid job?

Do you understand the real strength in the word hate and the powerful emotional labels that accompany it. When you do realise its powerful uses you will begin to tap into a very useful resource for those of you who coach, mentor, train or lead others? (and yourself).

The use of hate and all the meanings and emotions that accompany it, when focused positively, can make a powerful difference in your life. Sadly, many have to dive into the very depths of hatred, about what it is that they believe to be unfair and injustice, before they will take action and do something about it. For some I meet, they wont change until they actually hate the situation they are in, and then, finally, they'll take action and make the change needed.

In my opinion and from personal experience, hate has an important part to play in motivation, direction, intention, purpose and success, for those we coach and train.

A strong word hate? YES - it is in deed, a very strong word. A word that has had too much of a bad rap and needs to be seen for the power it has in making a positive difference in generating change. For some, hate is the much needed catalyst they have been looking for to make and sustain the long term change the need.

Use it wisely, use it sparingly, but use it all the same and give yourself permission to use it when you must. And hate will deliver the results you've been wanting.

Important Footnote:

For those of you with an NLP or Neuro Semantic background, you will realise the importance and potential hate has in driving change byway of meta-programs. If your also familiar with the NS model of Meta-States you'll know that to use hate, it must be textured appropriately to create a gestalt that is positively loaded with the right meanings for the desired outcome.

There will also be coaches and trainers who are so "wired" (you'll know who you are) for generating change through "...love, hope and inspiration etc..." that they will literally be robbing their clients of the potential hate has in facilitating sustainable change for some of their clients.

Break the Rules

The title speaks for its self, doesn't it?

How good are you at breaking the rules? How good are you at challenging what has always been done? So often I find myself amazed at how many organisations are still doing what they have always done. Not ever challenging why they do what they do or even consider the possibility, that things can and could be done in a better, more innovative way.

The rigidity found in systematising a process, be it in a thriving business, in training and development or a coaching methodology, in my opinion, destroys the long term potential for progress and success.

Temporay Solution

Initially it appears innocent, to formalise a process, even benchmark it and standardise it. Initially all those involved support the establishing of rules or guidelines that provide a sense of direction and sequencing of steps to the job being undertaken. It even brings about a sense of unity among those who agree that this is how we will do things i.e. customer service, a coaching processes, training delivery techniques, HR performance management etc...

Doing this also brings a sense of comfort and security to the group or staff involved and everyone gains the understanding that we are all "...singing from the same choir sheet". At first glance it all looks great! But things are often not as they appear.

The Problem

The formalising and cementing of "due process" immediately eliminates the possibility of being able to operate outside of that framework. While the framework was designed to help and support the business or it's customers. It also cuts off the possibility of assisting those that fall outside of it.

I come across this mentality on a near, daily basis (where process over rules service) and one recent example comes to mind. On Monday evening this week, Lena and I were at a Roast dinner Shop and I ordered a roast pork dinner. I asked the person serving me, if I could buy some additional crackling (crispy, roast pork skin - yummy!) and I was told that they don't sell the crackling separately! Was I a satisfied customer? - NO! (I was clearly outside of the acceptable rules put in place for the businesses effectiveness, but NOT for the customer's satisfaction!).

Look for these examples throughout your day, and you will find many to choose from.

Education is one that comes to mind, where the student is to learn at a speed and rate that has been agreed on for the age of the child, by the educational sector. If you your child doesn't fit the process they have set, then your child is classified as a poor learner and may now require special attention. Mental Health is yet another example, you are to fit into the DSMIV manual or a similar diagnosis tool, and if you do not, then you are the problem, not the system of diagnosis being used. And if you do not respond to the treatment or clinical therapy offered, well... you most definitely are at fault!

Let's go for another, while I am on a role. Training delivery and coaching organisations that have a specific model or models they base their certification on. It will likely be established on credible research and proven to be an effective method of delivering training or providing coaching. It will also be endorsed by the "leaders" in the field as being of great value further supported by testimonials of very satisfied clients. (must be good then...)

So what's the problem? That's easy for me to explain, and much harder for those groups to accept the message I have for them. The very methods they use to define their certification and the way training is to be delivered (learning styles is 1) or coaching is to be performed. Eliminates the freedom to challenge, change or consider new approaches, as it falls outside of the agreed and accepted models that now define that profession.

The process originally used to define the group and position themselves into a niche market, has now become a prison for them. While initially offering security and safety, it also locks out change and progress, because it challenges the hard earned status quo they have fought so hard to establish (we can't allow that now can we!).

History is littered with the martyrdom of men and women who were labelled as heretics or maveriks because they challenged the current accepeted way things were done. In the old days they were burnt at the stake, recieved wipings, hung by the neck and left to die or drowned. Today these people are ostricised from the corporate in-crowd, lambasted corporately via emails, trialled by management and the HR department and dimissed from their position, or similar.

Wanted - More Mavericks!

For long term continued progress we must eveluate the relevance of what we are doing, not accepting the models that define the profession as being fixed in stone and to be fought over to the death to ensure they are kept sacred for the many years ahead. We need to have the flexibility to consider change that was never considered before. We need to embrace the possibility that there are newer and better ways to do what we do and have done so, for far too long.

• Learn the rules to break the rules!
• Challenge what is accepted as an effective means to do what you do!
• Consider the possibility of "what if we are wrong about this...?"
• Entertain the idea of a new approach that may be the opposite to what has always been done!

Are you willing to be a maverik of a sort? To look at what has always been done and consider is that true in all situations? Could it be, that what we consider unacceptable practice, is in fact an opportunity to make new advancements in our porfession.

Conformity and uniformity is the death of long term progress and innovation. Change or die is the message being hearalded to all businesses and professions.

May we always celebrate those who say they "...see things and wonder why, when others see things and say - why not!

Footnote:

The NLP & NS communities need to be aware of the dangers of formalising their processes. And the part it plays in destroying the long term advancements that can be made through continued progress and evaluation. Remember Ashley's Law of Requisite Variety?

The Real Corporate Virus

We've all done it to one another. We've been used as an example of it in front of workmates or family members. It's highly likely we're going to do it again soon. And it destroys sustainable business performance, all of our relationships, the level of staff engagement and our inter-departmental communication. (to name but a few)

What is it?

BLAME!!! (easy wasn't it?)

Harmless?

Everyone at every level does it, so what's the problem? Come on... it's not that bad, after all -there's gotta be a scapegoat for every screw up, doesn't there?

Shorten the Word

Take the "B" off of the word blame and that's what's happening at every level of an organisation. The workplace will be LAME, disabled, limp and disenabled, as a direct result of allowing blame to blossom and bloom.

As long as blame is promoted as an acceptable way of dealing with low performance or failures. There will never be an opportunity to truly achieve the collective potential of a team, business or relationship. Blame will always be the reason why staff are irresponsible & unaccountable. They totally lack ownership of what they do and why they are not succeeding. Blame allows unacceptable behaviour to rule and provides for a way out of taking any responsibility for not realising KPI's or achieving service expectations.

Blame ensures that bullies remain in their roles and offers everyone the chance of being a victim for a day or more. High performance will never be a reality as long as blame is allowed to permeate the walls of the corporate boardroom. Few businesses address the blame culture that has spread globally. Few Chief Executives will actively inoculate their senior management team from being able to use blame as a valid reason for poor performance.

• What will you do to eliminate blame from your workplace?


• Will you be willing to no longer blame others for your poor performance?


• Will you take ownership of what you do and say on a daily basis?


• Will you no longer blame others for how you feel or think?

Set Yourself FREE

I wonder, if you will or will not remain with the vast majority and continue to blame others for why you are not performing as you should at work?

It takes so little to seperate yourself from the rest of the corporate blamers. All you have to do is take full and complete ownership of what you do and say. What you don't do, and for what you do - do. It's that easy!

In doing so, you seperate yourself from the world of blamers and begin to determine your own destiny and the level of personal performance you achieve.

It's up to you. To blame or not to blame - that's the question.

More To Come

I will write more on this topic, as it is, in my opinion, the basis of the majority of the hurts we experience at work and within our 4 walls, when at home. It is the foundational mindset for all long term change, byway of a coaching conversation. Refusing to blame, is the over arching principle of all those who beat the poor odds that life throws at them, and still... they succeeded!

Eliminate blame from all you do and say. Take ownership of what you do (and don't do), and how you feel (irrespective of what others do). And you will begin to personally determine the quality of your own experience, in all aspects of your life, on a daily basis.

Snoopy - More Onto It Than YOU

The cartoon of Snoopy reads as follows:

"Sometimes when I get up in the morning I feel very peculiar".

"I feel like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat before sundown, I'll go crazy!!"

"But then I just take a deep breath and forget about it".

"That's what is known as real maturity".

Now. Let's talk about you...

Ever woke up in the morning and was aware that you felt peculiar but wasn't sure of what it is that's causing it? And then, as the day progressed, you found yourself being "shitty" with those who ventured across your path throughout the day. It's possible you didn't even realise that you were peculiar and yet felt, that if any one steps out of line today, you are going to "bite" them, for sure!

How aware are you of the mood you wake up in? How aware are you of the state or attitude you carry with you throughout your day? Few people I meet are actually aware of their mood and show a complete lack of maturity in their willingness to manage them better. (moods is what I'm talking about!) These people certainly do not have the maturity, that Snoopy speaks of in the Peanuts cartoon above.

Your ability to know the state of mind you are in and your ability to positively change your mood is in deed a must have life-skill and a powerful demonstration of personal mastery. The cost to yourself and those around you is huge, when you decide that you will "... bite a cat before sundown...".

An Example

When I deliver training I meet thousands of people each year. Those attending may be present in a workshop for as little as a few hours, or as long as a number of consecutive days. It's a skill I have as a trainer, to quickly identify the person or people who have woken up wanting to "...bite a cat". And in this case it's me they want to bite or the content, that they want to bite into and tear apart. These people are typically unable to "...take a deep breath and forget about it" as Snoopy is able to. Instead, these trainees remain in the same mood for the entire training session and miss the life changing effect that others in the same room are experiencing. (sad but true!).

The funniest thing (this is true), is to ask them, at the end of the training, to fill in a feedback form about how they found the training! Do you think they can show their maturity at this time? Or, will they wallow in their peculiar mood and fill the feedback form in, based on their need to "...bite a cat before sundown!" (you know the answer - don't you)

A Critical Skill
Our ability to be aware of our moods and have the ability to change our moods is a must have life skill. Leadership without this skill is dangerous and will cause great expense to the organisation. Parents who are unable to do this will drive their children out of their home when they are old enough to leave, or send their children off to school in tears - all because mum or dad woke up, wanting to "...bite a cat!"

Lovers who do not manage their moods and have the skill of transforming their moods will find the relationship to be difficult and at worst, violent!

How important is it that we learn what Snoopy speaks of?

In my own opinion - it is critical.

Business Deficit

When will businesses learn that emotional management will always result in less personal grievances and performance problems within the work place? When will a Human Resources Department address the need for staff to learn how to manage their emotions, behaviours and communication? When will they (if at all) realise that the Workforce Development Manager or Professional Development & Training Advisor, plays a critical role in providing training to staff that directly addresses this problem, rampant in businesses throughout our country (and likely yours too).

It is more likely that they will not, than they will.

With a corporate focus placed on performance and achieving KPI's, it is more likely that they will maintain the current beat of the drum that has always sounded and continues to drive for increased performance and staff conformity. Leaving the "soft-skills" as an unnecessary part of staff development. As a result of this focus, staff will continue to "bite" one another and the HR Advisers will always be an ambulance at the bottom of the corporate cliff, trying to salvage those who have fallen, due to work colleagues and managers who have no ability to recognise the need to better manage their emotions and preferably, have learnt the skill of how to transform them.

What are the benefits to a business that has this type of approach?

Increased performance and profit, reduced stress and staff attrition, increased staff engagement and a work culture that is distinctly different than the typical, emotionally immature organisation who has a culture where we will "... bite a cat before sundown!".

Hardwired Habits?

The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.
Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

Habits are an interesting thing. We form them gradually over time from the way we consistently respond to the world around us. As they form and become fixed they then begin to define who we are and how we react. Those we have come to know over time, are able to recognise us by our predictable responses that they've learnt from their experiences of being with us in a variety of situations.

They're sneaky critta's, habits. Habits, in their early formative stages have to learn to habitually and consistently respond in a specific way. Then, once you've mastered your response (remember this can be positive or negative), it becomes almost hard-wired and you lose conscious awareness that you behave in a certain way, consistently. That is to say, the habit slips from your consciousness.

Forming Habits
There are 2 ways that I'm familiar with, how habits are formed:

One is you have to develop your habit response consciously till you get very good at it.
The second way of forming a habit is that you learnt it without realising it.

How do you do this?

Well... you are exposed to it on a regular basis (usually as a young child) and it is considered an acceptable and appropriate way of behaving. You don't question whether this way of responding is good or not - you just do it cause that's how people you know (and often respect or love), behave. And there you have it, a well formed, non-conscious habit, alive and well on planet earth. Oh, by the way, if you've got a well formed and mature one, it's highly likely you don't know you have it, but everyone else knows you have it!!!

Habits can empower you, assist you in maximising your potential, grow your relationships, enhance your days, or destroy everything you consider precious. Habits define you and people know you by them. Whether you are trustworthy and honorable or a habitual liar or thief. Your habits form the reputation that you will have around town. Your habits will speak for themselves and be more convincing than any eloquent speech you offer. People will remember you by your habits and not by your words. They can be as simple as an idiosyncratic finger twitch or a tapestry of behaviours that result in the destruction of many lives.

Reflection Time
Here's are few questions to prod you, to consider what habits you have:

• What habits are you aware of that either enhance your life or limit it?


• Which habits do you have that enhance your relationships and which one's are destroying them?


• Do you notice a familiar pattern emerging in your life i.e. employment, schooling, relationships that would indicate a cycle of behaviour that's forming?


• Are a number of people giving you similar feedback about the way you behave or communicate and you're ignoring it or brushing it off (either good or bad)?


• How will you find out about those habits you don't know you have?

Habits, we all have them. They direct and determine our level of success.

Samuel Johnson says in his quote that I opened with, that they are "... too strong to be broken". This is often how they appear to be. That they capture you and compel you to respond in a given manner. Are they too strong to be broken? In my opinion no, they most definitely are not. They were formed over time with practice and diligent effort. They can also be dissolved in a similar manner (and in less time than it took to form them).

How to do that is beyond this short blog. I will say however, that you'll find many of the answers to change your habits, in my earlier writings i.e. you get what you focus on, consistently constant, self esteem are just 3 of many articles found on this blog site that will give you an insight into how to rid yourself of habits that are destructive or irritating you. (...or those around you!)

Take a Look at Yourself!
An old cliche I have used in many trainings, and refers to habit awareness goes like this "... if enough people say you're an idiot - you probably are..." Feedback is the food of champions and is a key step in changing or transforming any habit. Your level of willingness to entertain the idea that you have a habit that needs to change is the first stage of releasing a habit and breaking a bond that some say "...is too hard to break".




"First we make our habits, then our habits make us".
Charles C Noble

The Corporate Lethal Weapon

There's a secret self-defence program you'll find in the meeting rooms of corporate businesses and in the morning tea rooms of every big or small employer across our country (and yours). It's not a martial art, nor is it an Olympic sport. It's not taught at the local gym, yet is present in the majority of homes you'll call on. Once learnt you become a lethal weapon, making Mel Gibson look like a marshmallow of sorts and Bruce Lee a 1970's martial arts geriatric.

You'll destroy lives and the potential of those around you without even lifting a finger! You'll be skilled in fighting multiple opponents, whether they are standing around the photocopier or speaking to you in the Executive boardroom.

So what is this lethal weapon of maximum, human destruction?

A Trained Assassin
The lethal weapon, is in fact a skill. A skill, being a mixed blend of many language systems and negative reinforcing psychological loops (which I will explain in a later article). It's where we've learnt the ability to attack and destroy one another by using scathing, derogatory and degrading comments at another person or a group of people.

When you've become highly skilled at this Art, you have the ability to find offence at the smallest of remarks and escalate it to the 10th degree, to eliminate the person your speaking with using multiple unsolicited remarks aimed strategically at their most vulnerable points (usually a combination of personal and behavioural inadequacies) to cut them down to size. If not permanently then momentarily. As a race of people we are exceptional at doing this to one another. We seem to be natural at destroying one another with our words - as if we were trained, verbal assassins.

I am in awe of how well some of those I have come across in the corporate sector are able to do this to one another, and NOT able to recognise their level of absolute mastery, at destroying lives of those around them, with their tongues, via their scathing remarks.

No Confusion - Please!

Please don't confuse this with the communication skill of mediation or conflict resolution, as that is a specific communication process with clear guidelines in the hope of achieving a positive outcome for all parties. In the lethal weapon style of communication, there are no rules, nor is there a positive outcome for all parties. Only 1 outcome is achieved and pursued, which is the preferred speedy elimination, of the person you are speaking to and your own exaltation, by any means possible - so that you win!

It's about winning and being right and to hell with anything else. Paying no heed to the effect it has on the relationship with the other person or the consideration of any long term consequences. It requires you to see yourself as being totally right (irrespective of the evidence showing the contrary) and no need to reflect on what you have said (let alone ever think there was a need to apologise).

Remember - it's about dominance and winning. It's that primal animal instinct to kill, maime and destroy, at it's corporate best!

• Have you come across a person like this in your meetings, corridors or morning tea rooms?

• Have you had the pleasure of being chopped up verbally by a person with this skill set and left in emotional ruins, while trying to exit the staff meeting with some dignity?

• Have you said something ,with no intent to cause harm of any kind. And found yourself backed up onto the boardroom ropes by a barage of verbal blows, stunned and confused at how a simple innocent communication, could be taken so badly?

• Do you recognise yourself as being the person who is the skilled Corporate Lethal Weapon I've described above? (highly unlikely!).

If you have - then return for my next article on how to successfully defend yourself against the Corporate Lethal Weapon and how you can transform yourself, if it's you - that's causing all the grief in the workplace .

Practice is NOT Enough

Congratulations!

You'd started to learn the guitar early and you'd been casually playing for 2 years. At 10 years of age you showed some natural ability in playing the instrument. Mum and Dad enrolled you to receive professional, one on one lessons, twice a week totalling 3 hours of tuition per week. You were an enthusiastic and committed student and you religiously attended your lessons without missing a single session and you made very good progress. You also did your own private practice at home, in your room. And you practiced playing your guitar an additional 5 hours per week.

At 15 years of age you were enrolled in a prestigious guitar school where you received 4 hours of specialist lessons per day (as well as other academic studies) for the next 3 years till you were 18 years old, where a selection was made to determine the elite guitarist's at your school, who would receive a full scholarship for continued higher guitar instruction and a guaranteed professional guitar career is a near certainty.

Let's have a look at some of your figures:

• You've been playing seriously since the age of 10 and had committed 8 years in total to playing your guitar so far.


• Over that 8 year period, you had spent a total of 2,080 hours of additional private self- directed practice, aside from your formal classes and lessons. Congratulations!

Did you make the selection to secure that much admired scholarship? - No, you did not!

Why?

The difference between you and those guitarists who reached the elitest level and selection for the scholarship you sought, was not in the years you spent practicing, nor was it in your consistent attendance to your regular, frequent lessons. As all your other class mates did just the same as you in that respect. The difference that made the difference was in the total hours you spent in your own self-directed practice versus the hours they committed to practicing, outside of the usual required lessons.

The specific difference is they spent as much as 100% more time practicing the guitar than you did! That's right, they accumulated more than 4,000 hours than you. Even if you wanted to catch up to those elite students you couldn't. They are now too far ahead of you, based on the time they have accummulated. It's just too hard for you to close the gap on them now.

This is a consistent indicator that separates the elite student and the above average student. Both are gifted and show a natural affinity to playing the guitar (or any other pursuit i.e. sport or business etc). Both are passionate about what they are learning. Both commit to their scheduled lessons. They do not however, do the same amount of additional practice, over and above what is required of them.

Do More - Get More!

So there it is - if you want to be great at anything - you must do more than attend the required classes or lessons expected of you. Also, you must commit additional time and effort to practice, over and above your scheduled practice sessions with your teachers, instructors or coaches etc... The amount of additional self-directed practice you are able to commit to, is entirely up to you.

Be very aware, that it is this component, that will ultimately determine your level of success. Even if you show you have natural talent. Natural talent will get you recognised but will not ensure your long term success. Your natural god-given talent, will amount to nothing, when compared with an equally talented student (in fact, a student with less natural talent than you, will achieve more) who is willing to put in the "extra" hours of practice. It appears the more time you spend in self-directed practice the better.

This may, depending on the activity, require you to spend time researching, physically training, watching recordings, reading, evaluating your technique and developing mental toughness training or receiving feedback etc...

Effort & Time Required

It's totally up to you. As I mentioned in a previous blog. Mediocre effort will never result in maximum results. Going to your scheduled weekly practices will never be enough for you to realise your potential. The difference that makes the difference is the "extra" self-directed practice you do.

How much you do - is up to you! It will ultimately determine the level of expertise you attain.

The Need for Obsession

If you want to waste your hard earned money, spend it on attending conferences and listening to some international speaker, buy their numerous DVD's and books promoting the message that you need to seek a health approach to life through achieving a work-life balance!

This topic has got to be one of the best lies promoted by so called, motivational speakers and personal wellness guru's. To actually think that personal success, excellence and achievement of the highest kind, can actually be achieved by living a balanced life between your passion and the other needy demands of life. Some of these needs requiring attention are, family, your health, education, fitness, saving for a home and retirement and the list goes on. Apparently the message is for you to balance your life in such a way that you achieve a delicate balance, between work and your personal life demands.

Wake Up & Smell The Coffee

Let's get real!!!

Show me where the highest level of excellence has been achieved in any endeavor and the person who pursued it had a balanced life. Study these people carefully. You will find that they all had a never before seen obsession that drove them to achieve results that exceeded all who came before them and the many that would attempt to pursue them long after they had retired. maximum results requires maximum effort and time. It requires an obsession that consumes your every thought, muscle fibre and cell you have within you. This is the level of commitment at the highest level. Yes, there are those who achieve a level of excellence by committing themselves to balancing their demands of life. Yes, they do achieve (to some degree) - No, they do not achieve the heights of achievement that awaits those who are willing to make the sacrifices that a passionate, obsessive nature requires.

Forget the lie of living a balanced life if you ultimately wish to lead the field, make leading edge advancements or set records that have never been heard of before. Average commitment results in average achievement. Maximum commitment, energy, focus and an unrelenting obsession to succeed. Results in a level of human accomplishment that all will admire and few are willing to commit to.

Onto The Summit

It's easier to believe that champions get where they have by seeking a work-life balance. This is an out and out lie. Sir Edmond Hillary did not become famous for climbing half way up Everest and turning around and returning home. No, he went all the way to the summit with his mate Tensing. They are both remembered for all eternity, due to their compulsion to go all the way to the top of Everest. Like him, high achievers think, eat, drink and dream what they want and must pursue. They read, train, study strategies and focus on what they want and do it with an unchastend relentlessness, that I can only explain as an obsession.

So easy to think that the Olympic champions, the billionaires or revolutionaries who turn around a nation all did it while maintaining a lovely work-life balance. They most certainly did not!

Do what you must do to be the very best you can be. Each of us will put limits on what we are willing to commit to. That is fine with me. I understand the need for many to achieve work-life balance, however, under no circumstances are you to believe that maximum results can be achieved by mediocre efforts.

Only A Willing Few

It's a road trod by but a few, and the rest of the world will count you as an enigma of sorts. For you are to them a possessed being with no regard for anything else other than that which you pursue. Some will call you a selfish shit and much more. And this is how it is and it will never be any different for those who set their sights on all time greatness. Show me a man or woman who has achieved greatness of the highest order and I will show you a person who was extreme in their every effort, with a laser like focus, like no other before them.

Anyone who says you can achieve maximum results with mediocre efforts has likely never achieved anything of any real significance in their own life. Or even worse, they have, and are now promoting an approach that they never used themselves in the pursuit of their previous success.

Here's to your obsession in being the best you can be and to hell with your work-life balance!

I know that few will accept this message and I make no apologies for it.

Pictures of those who know what I am taklking about here:- NZ All Blacks Rugby Team, Valeri Villi Olympic Shot Put Champion and Sir Edmond Hillary & Tensing on Mt Everest - obsessive qualities all of them!!!