Stress the Not So Silent Killer

I want to apologise for being a bit slow on writing this, my 1st blog for August. It's the 11th August and I haven't posted a blog to date, I'm sorry about that and plan on getting back up to speed straight away. So here goes...

What would you die for?

Your children? Your lover? Your Career? Your cat or dog? An attempt to break a world record? To save your house from burning down? Your car? To preserve your reputation?

What would you die for?

If your like most people, you wouldn't have likley, ever asked, such a question of yourself. Few people are ever put in a life or death situation and have had to decide whether they should do something which would risk their life.

The scenario I've been wanting you to consider is more the extreme end of deciding whether you live or die, yet there are daily pressures we put on ourselves, which over time, can indeed - kill us.

Stress Scale
A study of 5,000 people was undertaken to determine the level of stress people experience in 43 activities. The activities listed are ones we are faced with during the course of our lives. They retrospectively assesed their percieved level of stress of each of them and the top 14 activities I've listed below along with the score allocated to each of them. This list of stressors is known as the Holmes-Rahe Social Readjustment Rating Scale:

(They are prioritised as being the most stressful to the least stressful to deal with).

1. Death of a Spouse - 100


2. Divorce - 73


3. Marital Separation - 65


4. Imprisonment - 63


5. Death of a Family Member - 63


6. Personal Injury or Illness - 53


7. Marriage - 50


8. Fired from Your Job - 47


9. Marital Reconciliation - 45


10. Retirement - 45


11. Change in Health of a Family Member - 44


12. Pregnancy - 40


13. Sexual Difficulties - 39


14. Gain a New Family Member - 39

The researchers, Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe suggest that a score of 300 or more is a strong indicator that your stress levels are too high and will have a negative impact on your health and well being. They also suggest, that a score of 150 or less means you have relatively low stress levels.

A closer look brings some interesting perspectives. How about Divorce which scored as number 2 and scored 73 points. Have you ever heard of people holding a "Happy Divorce Party"? That's right they are holding a party, celebrating that they just got divorced! How about including marital separation too? Another happy, amiable seperation! Then there are those that go to prison (#4 - 63 points) who are pleased they'll now have a roof over their head and 3 meals a day.

What I'm getting at here is stressors, are unique to each of us. What seriously stresses one person out i.e. under ground caving by 1 person vs claustrophobia experienced by another while caving. One persons joy can be anothers horror. Stress is as individual as you are.

We've all observed people getting seriously stressed out over something and stood wondering how the hell does that small thing cause so much stress! (or am I the only one who has seen this happen?). When this happens, you'll find often that the stressed person is quite vocal about what it is that stresses them out - thus the title: Stress, the NOT so silent killer.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that has worried themself sick at some stage in their life, over something. I've found myself in the past, staying awake late at night, unable to get to sleep and forgotten what I was doing, while supposedly at work during the day. My unique stressors occuping all my thoughts and draining me emotionally as each dragging minute passes by. Loss of focus, energy and at times, losing the will to go on with life. This is no joke and sadly many can be so stressed that they take their own lives or the lives of others (not good!).

I read recently that 3 people here in NZ had committed suicide because their homes had been completely ruined due to damp rot. The house had been constructed with non treated timber and as a result was rotten and unable to be repaired, so the house was worthless! I didn't see loss of your home scoring high in the Holmes-Rahe scale, yet people have taken their lives due to the complete loss of the value of their home.

Useful Stress Tips

Knowing that stress is a unique experience it'll be a good thing for you to know what you can do to minimise it. In my coaching I often come face to face with clients who are emotionally drained and stressed due to either a clash with work collegues or at home in their personal lives. It definitely can be like unravelling a badly tangled fishing line, yet well worth it in the long run.

Here are 7 effective strategies (there are many more) you can use to lower the intensity of those things that are stressing you out:

ONE:

Write a full description (leave nothing out) of what it is exactly that is causing the stress. Include your own attitude towards the stressors as well as all of the external factors. Ask yourself "Is this really as bad as it seemed, now that I have written it out?" It's likley that you now see it for what it is (pseudo stressor) and are better able to deal with it. If so, deal with and move onto more difficult things than what was previously stressing you out. We too easily make mountains out of mole hills!

TWO:

Identify if the stress is either in the past or future. If the stress experience is in the past understand that you can not turn the clock back and change what has happened. What is done - is done! Decide what you can do today about how you will think differently about what has happened to you in the past. What happened can not change - how you think about it can.

How would you like to think about things that empowers you while also allowing you to positively learn from what happened? Should it ever happen again in the near future, how will you deal with it differently? Celebrate your learnings and focus on the present and plan for the future.

If the stressor is in the future. What the hell are you doing? It hasn't happened and you want it to be awful and that is why you are thinking terribly, to the degree that you are stressed the hell-out about something that hasn't even happened and is highly likely - not to!

Decide what the problem is that you are faced with in the near future and make an effective plan to minimise the problems that you forsee in the future. Focus on what you can do and mentally rehearse a positive outcome. That approach is way better than traumatising yourself unduly and then focus on what you need to do in the present to make the future materialise the way you want it.

THREE:

Rate the level of stress that you are currently experiencing from 1-100 (1 being very low). Decide, by writing a list, what must be done to cut it by 50%. Prioritise the list and focus on the 1 thing that will make the biggest difference immediately. Ensure that what you need to do to lower it is within your own personal power and is not reliant on other people changing 1st. Make an immediate action plan on how and when you will undertake and complete the required actions that will significantly lower the stress.

FOUR:

Make a list of activities that you can do that make you happy. They are to be activities that do not include spending money, alcohol, drugs or another person. Once you have the list (preferably 12 or more activities) work at creating a situation where you are able to string together 3 or 4 of these activities back to back.

FIVE:

Write a daily list of what you are grateful for. This is an attitude of gratitude journalling. Do it daily and do it 2-3 times per day. If you find it hard initialy, that's ok. DO it any way and write down the smallest of things that you are grateful for. Become mindful of being ever more grateful as the days and weeks progress. At the end of each week re-read what you had written for that week and entertain the idea of how good it is to be greatful for both small and big things. The attitude you gain from doiung this exercise will make dealing with any stress, easier.

SIX:

Imagine that you were the creator of all the Universe. Journey in your mind out into the universe and look back on our beautiful planet, from a distance. Think of how long the planet has been delicately balanced in space for millions of years. Think also of the time that it has been here and how long you have been living on planet earth. Imagine the many years you have yet to live and the many thiings that you have yet to do. The things you know you want to do and the numerous things you'll do that you don't even know now! When you think of the length of time that has been and has yet to be. How small does the stress in your life take up when you compare it to the larger time line of the planet and you life so far? Knowing that... what do you need to do to lower the stress in your life? Make a list. Go and action that list immediately.

SEVEN:

Spend time with those people who care for you deeply. Eat, walk, talk and share with them. Remember how loved you are and those who love you now and those have loved you in the past. Draw strength from them. How would they want you to respond to the stress in your life? What advice would they give you knowing they have only empowering and uplifting advice for you? Make a list and action that now.

Well - coaches, trainers, manager, friends... there you go. You now have 7 strategies on how to minimise your stress levels or 7 techniwues you can use in coaching a client. Remember, if you have stress in your life you'll continue to have stress if you do not do something about eliminating it or minimising it, so do something about it immediately.

Life is too short to waste time on unnecessary stress.

What Are You Teaching Them?

My understanding about learning is, we are always learning. In fact we are never not learning. We are learning machines, wired to learn from our very first breath and as we grow we learn from our every experience we have on our life's journey.

This can be either good or bad. It can make us or break us for we are constantly learning.

So I figure that the flip side of always learning is that we are also, always teaching.

You with me on this?

Are you paying attention?

Stay with me and pay close attention... now!

We are teaching others in our every communication, gesture, grunt or wave of our hand. In our every email reply, our twitter posting or regular blog posts. We are teaching others when we yell, shout or whisper to those near us or across the room. This teaching we are doing is conveyed to those around us and may not necessarily be conscious and deliberate learning but non-conscious and covert learning. Parents teach their children about life's likes and dislikes before they themselves can say "...mummy" and this learning stays with them well on into their adult lives. If children are the reflection of their parents then staff are the reflection of management and students are the reflection of their teachers and lecturers etc... in either whole or in part.

How many of you have now begun to struggle with this message. (Startin' to feel a little uncomfortable, aye?)

A good teacher remains conscious of what they are teaching their students and knows how both the formal and informal lessons are both important and contribute to the total learning experience the student has. Over time this will reflect in their behaviour and attitude and provide a framework which they will use to guide their career - or not.

An Example or Two

Managers who are not aware of the way they respond to staff when they make a mistake or achieve the months KPI's will be teaching their staff how to respond in similar situations in the future. You may have taught them by your response, that it's unsafe to make a mistake at work, so hide it if you do. That you don't get praised for achieving the months KPI's, so they've learnt to not push any harder than they need to, as the extra work goes unnoticed by management.

A daughter breaks a much loved ornament and brings the pieces to mum crying with the many pieces in her hand. Mum growls and is angry at the daughter and tells her that she is clumsy and did a dumb and stupid thing. What is mum teaching in that brief moment of time? That it is unsafe to tell mum when you've done something wrong. In the years to come mum may be heart broken as her daughter no longer shares her hopes and dreams or concerns with her mother and the lines of intimacy have been drawn.

A husband says some sharp words to his wife in a heated argument one evening. She responds by being upset and goes to their room crying. He realises that what he said was inappropriate and unkind. He tentatively goes to her and says in a sincere manner, "I'm sorry honey, I didn't mean what I said and I shouldn't have said what I did. Please forgive me". She tells him sorry wont fix it and then takes the offensive and pushes him away and starts her on barrage of words. He repeats his apology to her, with her not accepting it, followed by a day or more of distancing and detachment.

What do you think he has just learnt? (please reverse the gender roles to better suit your own situation). I'm sure you've got it, aye? That's right, he's (or she) learnt not to apologise as it does nothing to fix things between the 2 of them. If the kids are present at the time, they also have learnt how to respond when it's their turn to fight with either mum or dad!

You'll have your own examples of these all too common situations of teaching others based on our responses. I have specifically focused on the negatives in the examples I've used. There are of course positives that are taught to others in exactly the same way. At the very point of every response you make, as the direct result of a specific situation that has occured. You are teaching others how to or how not to behaviour should a similar situation arise for them in the future. In essence, you have created an expectation response within the other person (good or bad?).

Awareness of What You're Doing

Become more conscious of how you are responding to others. Ask the question "What am I teaching them if I respond in this manner?"

If you want others to be more aggressive then treat them aggressively. If you want them to be forgiving then show them forgiveness. If you want a situation to escalate where negative emotions become an acceptable way to react then model that to others. If you want a person to tell the truth then reward them for telling you the truth even though what they have said may have hurt you.

The world has an uncanny way of reflecting back to us what we put out there. What are you projecting to those around you? What are you teaching them with your every response? And is there a need for you to consider a change for the better?

Do you truely understand the role that you have played in creating the behaviour or attitude that you are experiencing from others, based on how you have responded to them in the past? Do you understand that you have in some small way contributed to the attitudes and behaviours around you?

I wonder, what is it exactly, that you are teaching them?

The Real Corporate Virus

We've all done it to one another. We've been used as an example of it in front of workmates or family members. It's highly likely we're going to do it again soon. And it destroys sustainable business performance, all of our relationships, the level of staff engagement and our inter-departmental communication. (to name but a few)

What is it?

BLAME!!! (easy wasn't it?)

Harmless?

Everyone at every level does it, so what's the problem? Come on... it's not that bad, after all -there's gotta be a scapegoat for every screw up, doesn't there?

Shorten the Word

Take the "B" off of the word blame and that's what's happening at every level of an organisation. The workplace will be LAME, disabled, limp and disenabled, as a direct result of allowing blame to blossom and bloom.

As long as blame is promoted as an acceptable way of dealing with low performance or failures. There will never be an opportunity to truly achieve the collective potential of a team, business or relationship. Blame will always be the reason why staff are irresponsible & unaccountable. They totally lack ownership of what they do and why they are not succeeding. Blame allows unacceptable behaviour to rule and provides for a way out of taking any responsibility for not realising KPI's or achieving service expectations.

Blame ensures that bullies remain in their roles and offers everyone the chance of being a victim for a day or more. High performance will never be a reality as long as blame is allowed to permeate the walls of the corporate boardroom. Few businesses address the blame culture that has spread globally. Few Chief Executives will actively inoculate their senior management team from being able to use blame as a valid reason for poor performance.

• What will you do to eliminate blame from your workplace?


• Will you be willing to no longer blame others for your poor performance?


• Will you take ownership of what you do and say on a daily basis?


• Will you no longer blame others for how you feel or think?

Set Yourself FREE

I wonder, if you will or will not remain with the vast majority and continue to blame others for why you are not performing as you should at work?

It takes so little to seperate yourself from the rest of the corporate blamers. All you have to do is take full and complete ownership of what you do and say. What you don't do, and for what you do - do. It's that easy!

In doing so, you seperate yourself from the world of blamers and begin to determine your own destiny and the level of personal performance you achieve.

It's up to you. To blame or not to blame - that's the question.

More To Come

I will write more on this topic, as it is, in my opinion, the basis of the majority of the hurts we experience at work and within our 4 walls, when at home. It is the foundational mindset for all long term change, byway of a coaching conversation. Refusing to blame, is the over arching principle of all those who beat the poor odds that life throws at them, and still... they succeeded!

Eliminate blame from all you do and say. Take ownership of what you do (and don't do), and how you feel (irrespective of what others do). And you will begin to personally determine the quality of your own experience, in all aspects of your life, on a daily basis.

The Corporate Lethal Weapon

There's a secret self-defence program you'll find in the meeting rooms of corporate businesses and in the morning tea rooms of every big or small employer across our country (and yours). It's not a martial art, nor is it an Olympic sport. It's not taught at the local gym, yet is present in the majority of homes you'll call on. Once learnt you become a lethal weapon, making Mel Gibson look like a marshmallow of sorts and Bruce Lee a 1970's martial arts geriatric.

You'll destroy lives and the potential of those around you without even lifting a finger! You'll be skilled in fighting multiple opponents, whether they are standing around the photocopier or speaking to you in the Executive boardroom.

So what is this lethal weapon of maximum, human destruction?

A Trained Assassin
The lethal weapon, is in fact a skill. A skill, being a mixed blend of many language systems and negative reinforcing psychological loops (which I will explain in a later article). It's where we've learnt the ability to attack and destroy one another by using scathing, derogatory and degrading comments at another person or a group of people.

When you've become highly skilled at this Art, you have the ability to find offence at the smallest of remarks and escalate it to the 10th degree, to eliminate the person your speaking with using multiple unsolicited remarks aimed strategically at their most vulnerable points (usually a combination of personal and behavioural inadequacies) to cut them down to size. If not permanently then momentarily. As a race of people we are exceptional at doing this to one another. We seem to be natural at destroying one another with our words - as if we were trained, verbal assassins.

I am in awe of how well some of those I have come across in the corporate sector are able to do this to one another, and NOT able to recognise their level of absolute mastery, at destroying lives of those around them, with their tongues, via their scathing remarks.

No Confusion - Please!

Please don't confuse this with the communication skill of mediation or conflict resolution, as that is a specific communication process with clear guidelines in the hope of achieving a positive outcome for all parties. In the lethal weapon style of communication, there are no rules, nor is there a positive outcome for all parties. Only 1 outcome is achieved and pursued, which is the preferred speedy elimination, of the person you are speaking to and your own exaltation, by any means possible - so that you win!

It's about winning and being right and to hell with anything else. Paying no heed to the effect it has on the relationship with the other person or the consideration of any long term consequences. It requires you to see yourself as being totally right (irrespective of the evidence showing the contrary) and no need to reflect on what you have said (let alone ever think there was a need to apologise).

Remember - it's about dominance and winning. It's that primal animal instinct to kill, maime and destroy, at it's corporate best!

• Have you come across a person like this in your meetings, corridors or morning tea rooms?

• Have you had the pleasure of being chopped up verbally by a person with this skill set and left in emotional ruins, while trying to exit the staff meeting with some dignity?

• Have you said something ,with no intent to cause harm of any kind. And found yourself backed up onto the boardroom ropes by a barage of verbal blows, stunned and confused at how a simple innocent communication, could be taken so badly?

• Do you recognise yourself as being the person who is the skilled Corporate Lethal Weapon I've described above? (highly unlikely!).

If you have - then return for my next article on how to successfully defend yourself against the Corporate Lethal Weapon and how you can transform yourself, if it's you - that's causing all the grief in the workplace .

REVENGE - Because I can

Have you been tempted yet? Given them back, some of the same treatment they gave you?

Come on... think about it –

That time, awhile back, when you thought to yourself “...I so want to punish them for what they have done to me!”

It seems that this is far more common than many of us like to admit. The need to get back at some one or some thing, that has caused us harm. I’ve seen it at the most senior level of business management, in the school playground or amongst groups of people who are brought together because of a unified foe.

Getting even, getting one up, pay backs or getting your own back. Whatever you may call it – we’re talking about revenge. Look back over the course of history and you’ll find it woven, into the fabric of our cultures. The desire to avenge ourselves or our loved ones for unforgivable attrocities, is deeply embedded in us as a human race.

I read recently how we can quickly get angry by being in the presence of an angry person. We have mirror neurons that quickly align with the emotions a person is presenting to us and we can find ourselves becoming angry as a direct result of how they are behaving toward us. We seem more able to meet anger with anger than anger with calmness and peace. There is a place for mirroring another, yet that place is not in a conflict situation. It requires a different type of approach. An approach that doesn’t repay others, in kind.

It's an approach that I took sometime to come acrosss myself. I recall too well, the times I had remained awake for many a night scheming how I would pay back those who had deeply grieved me. Thankfully, those days are long gone, and so too can they be for those who you know suffer from the need to seek revenge. Read on.

Corporate Revenge
When I’m Coaching in a corporate setting. I’ve found that some are hurting because of an injustice (there perspective) that has happened to them. As a result of this, they take on the view, that if that’s how I’m treated, then they will do the same back to them. This is the age old premise of an “eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth”. (No I’m not going to begin a theological view on the biblical scriptures). This view is not too uncommon across the globe. What I want to present here, is how I coach a person away from avenging themselves onto others.

To become like those we despise, hate or are infuriated by. To take time to plan and follow the plan through to avenge yourself on another. To be consumed day and night, with thoughts and emotions on how to get back at another – has dire consequences. Both mentally and physically. Here are a 3 techniques I use as coaching strategies, to quell the desire in those I coach, to gain revenge over others.

A Never Ending Cycle
Revenge creates an ongoing cycle of “I do to you and you do to me”. And it continous on and on and... You’re always looking over your shoulder for the next pay back that’s coming your way. You’re constantly on the lookout for an opportunity to pay them back. There is no rest for you. You’ll wear yourself out and those close to you. Sadly, the act of revenge can be passed onto others and overtime those that have hatred for others (clans, gangs or brands) don’t have a damn clue why we hate those people!

Realise the never ending cycle revenge brings with it and decide whether that is the life you want. Is it also the life you truely want those you love, to have also? If not then make plans to change what you’re doing. Plan to stop being vengeful. What will you do, that will cause this desire to gain revenge - to stop?

Become Like Them!
The more we become consumed with hatred, vengence or similar thoughts. The more we focus on what we can and hope to do to others and how bad they are. We become, overtime – like them! The awful truth is we become the thing we disliked or hated. When this happens we have no inner peace, as we realise the behaviours we hated are now our own. Transference has occurred.

On a personal note, when my Grandmother said to me, as a rebelious 13 year old, how I was just like my Father (whom I hated at the time and resolved this many years later). I immediately realised how I was mirroring the behaviour (anger) I despised in him. As a result, I changed my behaviour for the better.

Did you like the way you were treated so much so, that you will replicate it within yourself? You didn’t like it being done to you and now you’re doing it to others! Wake up! Realise what you’re doing and stop it immediately! Make the choice to no longer be like that.

When a person truely realises the total cost of revenge. The emotional and psychological drain, revenge has on them and those close to them. It is easy to begin to plan an effective strategy to move away from revenge and towards a peace of mind that superceeds revenge.

Success Overcomes!

The best form of revenge - if that's what you want to call it, is for you to be successful. For you to rise above those setbacks that have caused you hurt. Those people who want to see you fail. By being successful you show that you are resilient and able to powerfully overcome those who try to put you down. That you are made of "the right stuff".

You do this by simply - being successful. Achieveing, striving and realising your potential is the best form of vengence. What I have found is, on the journey to realising your full potential, you will have your mind diverted away from seeking revenge. By being successful in small things you will learn progressively to fully enjoy the pursuit of your own excellence. Give it a go!

Revenge Free
I hope these 3 points will help you should you find yourself in a situation, either at home or in the office, where revenge may rear its ugly head in someone close to you.

Happy coaching, training, menotoring and managing. As you remain free from seeking revenge from those you feel have wronged you.

Apples Like Never Before

Here in NZ, we watched a week ago, as a tragic event unfolded in Napier (I lived there for 14 years). Jan Molenaar shot a police officer dead, wounded 2 other police officers and a neighbour. Who tried to wrestle the rifle off of Molenaar, giving the 2 wounded officers an opportunity to crawl away and in the process, getting shot himself.

Molenaar remained held up in his fortified home, with some 70 plus, near by homes either being evacuated, or others with their occupants hiding in their homes as the siege unfolded. Molenaar was heavily armed and kept as many as 100 Police and Special Tactics teams at bay, for near 3 days. The drama, finalising with the death of Jan Molenaar, found dead in his master bedroom.

For NZ this is a tragic event which will forever be remembered in our countries history. A country with just over 4.2 million people, we have had very few of these hollywood movie type gun battles.

Why did this happen? What went wrong, for a man to return home after the morning walking his dog to find 3 police man searching his home. He takes exception to this and shoots the officers, who were on a low profile drug search of his home at the time.

What bought this to mind for me was Jan Mollenar was a regular and long term member of the Gym I owned in Napier. He was an unassuming, dedicated weight trainer who I found polite and easy to talk to. What went wrong? How does this and similar events, world wide happen?

I'm not going to write on the Napier tragedy. I'm sure the Clinical Psychologists and Criminologists will have a filed day with Molenaar's case. What I am going to give here is an overview of a topic I have been studying for quite sometime now. I hope you find it both interesting and thought provoking.

What Makes Good People Go Bad.

As I mentioned before, I have been researching this topic for quite sometime.

• What is it that turns an everyday averge person into a monster, causing unimaginable atrocities?

• What is it that turns staff within an organisation to behave in a synister manner, towards their boss or fellow workmates, causing havoc in the workplace and the deliberate destruction of team moral and synergy?

These are questions I have asked myself often, as a direct result of the work I do, in righting very difficult conflict situations within the corporate world. I'm going to outline some of my findings here for you and hopefully prompt you to consider a more holistic and systemic approach when coaching or managing staff who are behaving out of character, causing harm to those they work with and themselves.

A leading researcher I have come across in studying the psychology of evil is Dr Phillip Zimbardo and his book The Lucifer Effect (a rather large book to read. This'll save you some time). Here I will use my adaptation of his 3 stage example and metaphor. I'll also add some of my own findings to the model for your use.

3 Likely Causes of Bad Apples

1) A Bad Apple:

The cause to the problem could be that you have recruited the wrong person. That is, they are not the right business fit. They do not align with the mission, vision and values of the organisation. Worst case scenario here, is they are just down right nasty. Even be a corporate sociopath. It's suggested that 2-3% of our workforce is made up of sociopaths. Many of these people due to their need for control, are attracted to senior management! This brings a whole new outlook to leadership training.

The trouble a bad apple can cause to a barrel of apples is huge! The best approach is to extract the bad apple fro the barrel and question the apple sorters on "...How the hell did you let this peson in here?"

To sort this out requires a robust recruitment process (way too often lacking and too orientated to behavioural interviewing) and also requires a manager who is able to effectively performance manage the bad apple out.

2) Good Apple Put In A Bad Apple Barrel :

This is a sad situation. A good apple thrown into a bad apple barrel!

To survive, the good apple has to either crawl from the barrel and move on or stay, and fight to become the leader of all the bad apples. At the very least, fight fire with fire and become a bad apple themselves.

Again, management allowing this to happen, is unacceptable. Likely the result of poor management, weak human resource consultants and a closed eye approach to unacceptable behaviour by all staff. Situations will frequently flare up when you mix bad apples with bad apples and through in a few good apples to make it interesting.

People are strongly influenced by those they mix with and more so, powerfully influenced by those they are lead by.

3) Bad Apple Barrel

This is the systemic cause of what turns good people bad. The apple barrel is the problem. The barrel is the organisation, systems within the organisation, beuracratic processes, laws and rules that are untenable, pay scales that are unfair etc...

It's the system that breeds bad appples. You are inducted to be bad or even evil, because it is necessary to survive within the system. It is the system that causes the situation, that causes the good appples to go bad and hires the bad apples in the first place.

It is not always the barrel that is the problem. It can be those who represent the system further down the corporate chain of command, are bad apples. Creating situations that cause apples to go bad and hire apples that are similar to themselves or apples that cause no threat to themselves.

Summary
It's important, if conflict is present within a team that the cause is found - and quickly. Here you have 3 options, and it could be an isolated situation or a blender mix of varying degrees of each of the 3 apple examples.

When searching for the cause, of why did this person, who was once an exceptional performer, now causing problems. You need to be mindful of the 3 areas. Remain open minded throughout as you find the source of the problem. By doing so you will be able to offer suggestions on how to rectify the situation. Transforming the team to a highly functional and profiatble team once again. This is no easy coaching assignment and often not suited for the feint hearted. I have been using this model for quite sometime now and found it to consistantly provide positive results for those apples many within the barrel though were terminal. Change can happen when you know what you need to be looking for.

I hope this article helps you in understanding a little, of why people can, and often do turn bad. In understanding what the cause is we can then prescribe a way to rectify the problem. If you do not know this you could mistakenly fix it at one level and it will only be a temporary fix as it wasn't fixed at the correct level needed for sustainable change to take place.

I have inserted below a recording of a famous test by Milgrim reproduced by Derren Brown. Milgrim did 1,000's of studies to find whether people would cause harm to others knowingly, and act completely out of character. It is a very revealing study on how we can be influenced to do the unthinkable.


Viewing Advice: You may find it best to click on play allowing it to "buffer"and then press pause - wait a moment to give the video time to load, then press play - giving you an unbroken viewing of the clip. Hope that helps.

The Golded Rule - An Epilogue

You'll find in the archives, the blog I wrote on my view of the Golden Rule (GR) it reads like "...Treat others as you would like to be treated". I want to add a short epilogue to that older blog of mine. It's about a finding I have come across in many different work contexts and have observed its presence in personal relationships also.

The Golder Rule version I am talking about is...

"I'll treat you in a way that I would NEVER accept being treated myself!"

Now... take a brief moment to think about how that version of the GR works. With a little imagination I'm sure you can get the gist of it. Something like - "I will talk to you in a manner you're not to talk to me in. I will do to you what you must not ever do to me!" Or another version is "I'll treat you any way I want and don't think you can do this to me".

I find this version of the GR really interesting. What are the motives that drives a behaviour like this? A behaviour and attitude that is abhorable to the "doer" yet they will do it to others, and at times, to those they say they love. In a work context this can be interpreted as blatant workplace bullying, and may even have a vindictive component ("I'll get you back!") to it. What is it that drives a person to treat another in a manner that they would not accept themselves?

Guess, is all I can do, in an effort to try and work this one out. Unless of course you are able to ask the person involved, then you may not get the real answer anyway. So let's guess and see if we can bring some understanding to this version of the Golden Rule.

An Explanation

1: They are not aware of what they are doing to you:

This may be the reason. They simply have never thought of things that way. "Hey, you're treating me in a way you'd never accept yourself!" - "Oh, sorry I didn't realise that, and your right. I wouldn't like you to do that to me. I'm so very sorry, I'll make sure I don't do that to you in future." Wouldn't that be a nice outcome for both parties.

Be tactful how you bring awareness to another about a specific behaviour they are doing. If they truly do not know they are doing it (non-conscious) then they may deny that they do it. This is a strong indication they have no awareness of what they are doing. I recommend a gentle approach to bringing awareness to a persons consciousness. Yes, I agree at times a more confrontational approach has it's place - just not 1st place! Learn some skills in influence and persuasion, before you attempt a more confrontational approach.

2: They know what they are doing to you:

This possibility presents a number of additional possibilities that may weave together, to explain the many variances that this option provides.

• They don't like you, or if they do, it's not that much. (How come you didn't figure this one out?)
• They have a mean and nasty streak in them and are just, plain mean and nasty. (Make a run for the door!)
• They enjoy the fact that they are treating you like that. (They're havin' fun at your expense)
• They do it because it makes them look good to others. (look you guys at what I can do to him/her)

You need to collect your thoughts and consider if any of these are relevant to your situation. Then you need to decide how you will address it. It could be a mix of all 4 points I've listed!

3: They don't know anything different:

This is what they think is acceptable way to treat another person. Links a little with option 1 but more with this is how they do it based on either it's worked for them in the past or it's what I've learnt to do to get what I want (little linkage with power and control over others). If you were raised in a war zone where you learnt to be at war with others, then you'll never know how to be at peace or you'll struggle with it when there's no war to fight.

GR Summary

It's not right to treat people in such a way that you personally would be unhappy if they did the same behaviour back at you. If you're on the receiving end of someone in the workplace, treating you like this, and you do not treat them in a similar manner. And it could be your Manager! Then, read my earlier article on "Should I stay or should I go?". That article will give you the 4 basic options that you have in a worse case scenario.

Don't settle for being treated like a door mat! You deserve to be treated fairly and respectfully.

That's My Reality!

I've been consulting to corporate business teams for a number of years now. The typical situation I'm called into, is where a team has a number of internal conflicts that need to be resolved to get them back to being effective in relating to one another and the service they provide. Having been in many worse case scenarios, and seen the massive costs incurred when a team goes off the rails (or an individual for that matter).

I decided that a strategy is needed to minimise the likely hood of a team descending into the pits of "conflict-hell" to never be seen again. It costs so little to be proactive in minimising team conflict, in comparison to the high cost of both the tangible and intangible costs that arise, as unaddressed conflict escalates. (I have written in an earlier blog, on the cost of conflict).

The 4 Steps

The most effective way to minimise the likely hood of future conflict and maximise the level of engagement and productivity within a team is to follow the simple and trialed process like the 1 I have outlined below:

1) Interview each of the team members (approxiamately 1 hour each) and discover what expectations they have of the other team members and the leadership of the team. If it's conflict - find what specifically is the conflict centred around. You will identify both the commonality of concerns and also the idiosyncrasies. I mostly focus on the common themes the interviews present.

2) Bring the team together for a 1 day facilitated session and integrate the interview findings. Some of the content presented is to define what a healthy and unhealthy team does and describe the negative and positive outcomes of each end of this continuum.

2A) Establish team agreeance on how to better interact with one another. Outline the common expectations of the team as a whole, made up from the individual expectations found in the 1:1 interviews. (i.e. respect, honest and open communication etc...) Some of what is covered is the defining of how they will meet and greet, and also make up when things go wrong. A subjective team score of how healthy they perceive the team to be is taken early on this day

3) Within 7-10 days of the team day session. Provide support byway of 1:1 coaching. The coaching is to iron out any individual difficulties that each of them may have in meeting the team rules of engagement. The session is also an opportunity to de-brief the 1 day team session and provide the written notes from the day to each of the staff. The coaching session may also require additional support models/frameworks and principles, in de-escalating inter-relational conflict.

If it is a serious conflict situation, then an additional 1-3 coaching sessions of 1 - 1.5 hours may be necessary. This is always dependant on the level of escalation or not (the subjective team score is 1 indicator I use to determine the level of escalation). A critical situation may require email & phone contact out of hours, and coaching for 1 hour each week for 2-3 weeks following the initial 1st team day out. In a healthy team environment this would likely only require 1 coaching session within a week of the day out, followed by another coaching session 3-4 weeks later.

4) Finally, a 1/2 day review session to debrief their progress and re-score the teams perceived level of health to evaluate their level of progress. Typically a team will have resolved their conflicts by the time of the debrief, and positively established how they will interact with one another both now and in the future. Should any follow on be required, I recommend a 1/2 day review check-up every 6-7 months. This is where finetuning can be done and ensures the long term health of the team while minimising any future conflict.

This 4 step process will eliminate conflict and establish high performing agreements between the team from which they can operate from on a daily basis. Saving 10's of thousands of dollars in lowered productivity, personal grievances and stress leave!!!!

What I am outlining here (below) is a brief overview of what I do with either teams in conflict or teams wishing to go to the next level of performance.

Background

In a typical situation, where I may be asked to either rectify a conflict situation between team members or alternatively assist a high performing team to establish "rules of engagement" to maximise their results in productivity and engagement. In either of these situations I would present the team with an overview of what behaviours I have seen unhealthy teams demonstrate and also what high performing teams demonstrate. In doing so, creating a sliding continuum of good and bad behaviours between the 2 and also to provide an opportunity for the team to measure what their subjective team health scale is.

I ask the team to score their personal level of how the team is doing. A score of "1" means this is a terrible team to work with and "10" means this is the very best team to be working with! I allow them to score a .5 and they write their score on a post-it-note for anonymity. Once the scores are in, I present them with the team average (i.e. say a score of 5.5). This is often surprising for some and confirming for others in the team.

Interpretation of the Score

The score that the team provides gives "their" perception of reality. The score is both an emotional and critical evalutaion that they have made based on their experience in the here and now. The following table is a brief description of the scaling system I present to the team so thir score can be interpreted.

10: I've never had any team score a perfect 10. If I did I'd likely have a team who over rates themselves! A 10 is a score that I consider unattainable and not the goal of a team to attain but rather to be relentlessly pursuing it.

7-9: Green Range: This is the range of a team who has a strong foundation to take what comes and deal with the stresses and strains of a high performing team. My preference is for the team to score and 8 or a .5 either side is acceptable. A score of 7-9 allows for the ups and downs a team will experience. They will have a clear understanding of how to effect change, and de-escalate conflict when it happens.

4-6: The Amber Range: This is the needs attention range. A score of 4 & 5 indicates they have some internal difficulties. They are likely to have inter-relational problems and will only improve as a result of establishing clear expectations of one another along with guideines on how to manage themselves and how to fight fairly. if there was no intervention the score will slide down as a result of natural attrition due to the fact they need some assistance to right themselves. They definitely have a good chance to be a 7-9 if guided correctly. A score of 6 is on the cusp of a 7-9 and will rise to a 7-9 with ease and some gentle direction from coaching.

1-3: The Red Range: Ok this is the "we got some work to do" end of the scale. It's likely you have numerous inappropriate behaviours by some in this team which are pulling the others down. Staff will be looking at leaving and or filing a personal grievance. This is a critical group in difficult conflict, and will require constant attention until the situation is righted. Staff may have already been off work, on stress leave, and even prescribed medication to manage stress levels. This range requires a specialist approach to resolve the situation. It must first be stabilised and then developed to move towards and beyond the Amber Range, into the Green Zone to reach a score of between 7-9.

This last group can be saved! (Yes, I know you may not think so because you're buried in it!) It will take some time and concentrated effort. Worst case scenario is you may lose staff in the process. From personal experience, I have found the people involved are crying out for help, and also may be blinded by the problems to the degree that they can not comprehend that a positive solution is at all possible. (Which it is by the way!!!)

Closing Comments

The need to have a proactive approach to minimising conflict and establishing performance expectations within teams is a must. I have made the mistake of not putting in place all the steps I have listed (attempted a short money saving approach) and had very poor results due to not following the entire process. To me, this is unacceptable and I know longer accept short-cutting this process. You can always avoid doing any of what I have suggested above, and you will, at a later date, pay the ultimate price = team failure.

Prevention Rather Than a Cure

We are encouraged to have regular medical check ups - yet how many of us actually do that? And at what cost for not doing it? We usually only go to our local GP when things are bad. This is what I have found also with work teams. I have businesses approach me to resolve team conflicts, when all it would have taken, was the simple 4 step process I have briefly outlined above. That small investment in time and money would have prevented the need to begin what can be, a very difficult & expensive road to team recovery.


If you want a productive year and want to minimise internal conflict then this is a must. Alternatively you could say - "We're doing just fine..." and ignore the need for that check up until it is often way too late. Be proactive and enjoy the long term benefits, especially in our current recessive times of needing to do more with less.

N.B. What I have outlined here is a highly skilled area of facilitation and coaching. It is not for the faint hearted nor a place for the inexperienced. I offer training in how to do this process if your're interested or alternatively if you'd like the process facilitated for you.

For more details - email me for a more in depth understanding on how teams can minimise conflict and increase their level of engagement in the workplace.

The Cost of Teams That Implode

Following on from my previous blogg on conflict I wanted to write briefly about the cost of serious conflict within teams, in particular, teams that daily work together.

There are 2 specific categories of costs to teams. They are tangible and intangible costs. Let's start with the intangable.

Intangable Costs:

It is difficult to put a dollar figure on how much this costs a business in loss of productivity. I am talking about the emotional distress, headaches, ulcers, psych-somatic disorders that are directly related to the bitching, backstabbing and badmouthing that are symptomatic of a team that is imploding. Of the 2 costs mentioned my guess-timate is that the intangable elements cost an organisation far more in company dollars than the tangable & measurable costs of conflict.

The hurt and grief staff can carry around daily brought on by those they work with and the cascading effect passed onto other staff, not directly linked to the problem, create a compounding impact on the organisation as a whole.

All this stemming from 1 instance of continuing, unchastened, & poorly managed conflcit between team members. One common result is the decision of staff directly involved to limit their descretionary work effort to a minimal level, if existant at all. A loss of attitude among staff to "go the extra mile". Resulting in a minimalist approach to work, and the effort required to meet KPI's and deadlines.

Tangable Costs

These are the measureable costs. To the Financial Controller or the Line Manager, it's these costs they understand. They are able to currently monitor the direct loss of productivity or draw on the past cost of what unaddressed team conflict can cause to the business, literally in dollars.

Tangables like stress leave, absenteeisim, personal grievances, drop in productivity, loss of contracts due to poor service, health & safety. How much will you lose in dollars if you do not address the issues staff are having? Grab your calculator and add it all up and then add an additional 50% of that cost again, and still you will fall short of the actual cost of not effectively dealing with team conflict, bullying, bad-mouthing and backstabbing amongst team members.

The Solution

The combined cost of staff conflict is unacceptable to an organisation who wants to be a high performing entity. The combined loss of dollars and staff is well in excess of an accountants ability to move the decimal point further & further to the left followed by ever growing zero's. The solution will cost you dollars - but a small fraction of what the long term cost would be if you had not chosen to right the wrongs within a team.

The solution requires the following 4 steps, assuming you want to truely right the problem:

1. Individual Scoping & Team Diagnosis


2. Team Awareness of the Current Health Status & Committing to the Way Ahead


3. Individual 1:1 Coaching to Team Commitment


4. Team Review and Update of Future Agreement for Continued Synergy

This approach will take as many as 5-7 days spread over a 4-6 week period. Consistantly this approach resolves longterm conflict. Conflict that has been ingrained and fed a negative culture for years, has been resolved consistantly using this approach. Few Organisations in my opinion are truely committed to righting the inter-personal conflict that occurs in some teams and surrender to a quick-fix money saving approach rather than a "tried & proven approach" that gives lasting results.

If that's what you're looking for and you truely want a lasting approach to resolving a teams sabotaging behaviours then lets talk.

Factors For Team Conflict

Just as a Doctor is able to diagnose whether a person is healthy or not, based on an examination and a few strategic questions of the patient. I also, am able to identify the health of a team or determine the degree to which it is unhealthy, and what is required to bring it back to good health and high performance.

If you've ever wondered what you could expect to see in a team that is unhealthy. How they interact with each other at work, or in a sporting arena? I've listed only a dozen examples I've learnt over many years of successfully identifying the negative characteristics of Team low performance and how to effectively bring them back, to a new level of performance, team synergy & productivity.

The 12 Unhealthy Team Symptoms are:

• Blame Culture


• Meeting Avoidance


• Lack of Peer to Peer Respect


• Undermining Chain of Command


• Rumor Mongering


• Confrontational Communication


• Resistance to Change


• High Staff Attrition Rate


• High Staff Stress Leave


• Patch Protection


• "Us & Them" Culture


• Lack of Contribution to Team Problem Solving

...and, just for added values sake, here's another 3 for you...

• A "Me" rather than a "We" attitude


• Sabotaging of Previous Attempts to Correct the Team Problem


• Yelling at Each Other in Staff Meetings

Now... put all these pieces together, add people, stir for awhile (oh, they'll do that anyway!) allow nothing to be done to correct this till the late stages of "...I've had enough of this!" develops & sets in, and you have the perfect recipe for a team to successfully - self destruct!

Awesome how we can do this to each other and even sadder how common this is in the business world. Can it be rectified? Is it possible to recover from this? Can people heal their wounds and rise above the history they have between each other?

The answer is a resounding - YES!

Sure, it takes a special process and skill sets to successful bring the team through the difficulties they have with one another. It also takes a level of commitment from those in care of the team to be willing to commit to a long term solution and not a "quick-fix" which is so often the case.

If you recognise the symptoms as being present in your team, then the best thing to do is contact me, assuming you want positive change. In fact, to save you time, don't contact me unless you are committed to wanting the situation righted! The reason why I say that is because I am not willing to be another failed attempt that can be added to the teams list of "...we've tried this before!"

The diagnosis is this. The team can regain perfect health and back to working productively quickly and effectively. The question I have for you is "...are you willing to do what is necessary for the team to regain good health?"

I guess that is the question all General Practitioners ask of their patients "...are you willing to do what's necessary to recover from your ill health?" If you are - contact me.

email: col@ignition.org.nz