Resist and Suffer

I was coaching a client a few weeks back and she said how she had been a reformed alcoholic. She had been "dry" for 12 years. She also said how she was still an alcoholic and would always be one. Her question to me was, did I think she would ever be free from being an alcoholic? As she still had, at times, the need to consciously resist the desire to have a drink.

Another client I was coaching had decided to stay and strive in her beloved career (rather than suffer and surrender) But still had to meet with and interact with the person she was uncomfortable with. The question: would she be able to get to the point where that person no longer is able to fire off a negative emotional response within her via meetings, emails, reporting, phone calls etc... or would she have to consciously resist those negative emotions that arose from having to engage with this person -forever?

I was speaking to a reformed smoker who had given up smoking for some 6 months or so. He was previously smoked as many as 20 or more cigarettes a day. He had tried to give up a number of times before and this was the longest period he had been smoke-free to date. The problem he had: He had times when mixing socially where he smelt the aroma of a cigarette and found he had to resist consciously the desire to have a cigarette, whenever this happened.

Ok - now my point.


Settling for too Little too Soon
We settle for having moved on and overcome our old habits, yet we remain shackled to the past stimulus, be it alcohol, a person or cigarettes. We celebrate that change has occurred and yet console ourselves that we will remain always resisting the urge to take up the old behaviour or respond as we used to. And this is our fate.

I want you to have a different view of change. Rather than the view that change happens by degrees or in part. But happens completely! Yet we settle for less than what is possible.

A Cliche
You may have heard it before. If so, here it is again.

"What we resist - persists!"

Use your will to ignore something or some one and notice how hard it is. No matter how hard we try to stop thinking like that or doing that thing. It remains. And, in many cases wins and overcomes us. Defeats our every attempt to change. So much so, that we surrender to the old habit and accept that change is not for me.

Will you always be haunted by that smell, taste, emotion or person? Will change always be about having to fight the urge to resume it?

In my opinion and experience the answer is NO!

Congratulations that you've bought about change in your life. That you have been clean or free from that old habit for so long. If you have the urge or calling to return. If you have to at times consciously resist the desire, or to respond as you once did. Then you are not yet, changed fully.


Another View
As a non-smoker. I've never smoked. Do you think I am attracted to smoking a cigarette, drawn to buy a packet? Do you think that I have to consciously resist the urge to light up and inhale? As a non-smoker, do you think, truly, that I am in anyway compelled to ignore other smokers and an urge to join them and smoke?

Hopefully you answered NO. That's right I have NO urge or inclination to smoke at all!!!

This is the level of change that we must move towards when releasing an old habit. There is no fight, struggle or resistance towards what we once may have been or how we used to respond. There is nothing to ignore!

So, how do we move from being free from the behaviour of being an alcoholic, to being completely free from the desire to want to have a drink, and devoid from needing a drink to pass your lips?

That's the level of change we must move towards and not be left at the fringe of being truly set free yet still tied to the old habit or addiction (one and the same, in my mind).


Free from Resisting
Here are some key points for coaching a client, or for you to personally move beyond this limiting level of change. Where change has occurred, but there is still the need at times, for conscious resistance (act of will power) to backsliding into the old habit.

Here are some helpful points to consider:

• Be aware of that you do have some ties to the old habit or attractant
• Congratulate yourself and celebrate the path towards full change that you have made so far
• Decide to take your change to the next level
• Do not accept that the level of change you have is the best you can have
• Do not surrender to accept the level of change you have so far as being the best you could expect
• Decide to apply yourself to being free at every level
• Take on the attitude of being completely free

FREE means:

• I do not have to ignore "it" for there is nothing to ignore


• I do not give any emotional energy to "it".


• I pay it NO mind


• It doesn't deserve my attention, emotional energy, focus or time


• I focus on what I am now not who I was then


• I believe that true freedom from "it" is a reality for me with out conditions or effort


• I believe that there is no appeal for me in the old behaviour


• There is no importance or value whatsoever, in the old behaviour for me. (none)


• I have stepped mentally away and there is now acceptable distance between myself and the old attractant


• That you can be present with the old attractant and there is no urge or desire for it at all


• I am at peace when faced with "it"


• There is no struggle, I am at rest.

If you're a Coach then this is the level of transformation you are to deliver to your client. If you are wanting the height, depth and breadth of change I am talking about, then take on the points I have listed above. You may also have to remove the beliefs of accepting a lower level of change.



In Closing
I'm not saying that, as a confirmed alcoholic, you can have a drink again and not be consumed with it as you once were. I understand that there are those who have very addictive qualities and also it appears a gene may be present that, in the right conditions, can take over rational thinking and decision making. What I am saying is, you can abstain from anything without having to be constantly battling with it in your mind. That this is possible for you irrespective of the addiction!

In the past I have had my own "demons" to battle with. Be they people who had hurt me, drugs or unacceptable behavioural habits. I know personally that it is possible to get to the point where you pay "no-mind" to it or them anymore.

Why? Because you are free from it/them in every way.

This is the level of change that resides beyond using your conscious will to maintain personal change. It is the place of total freedom.

If you are a coach, learn how to do this for your client. If you are tormented a little or a lot. Find a Coach who can assist you with this, or alternatively my contact details are on this blog site.



Remember: "That which we resist - persists."