Presentation Power

It's probably long overdue, that I write a brief blog on presentation skills. Yes, I too have been to presentations made by people who are deemed worthy to listen to (and often are), yet have no idea how to make an effective presentation to an audience. Many of you know my training background so I'm not going to go into that.

Many of you also know my presentation style and experience from conference keynote speaker to corporate training consultant, workshop presenter and trainer of trainers. So I'm not going to go into that either. (You just did Col!).

I'm tired of listening to presenters, especially those presenters that are deemed "leaders in their field" and charge exorbitant rates, for what is nothing more, than a shitty presentation. So I'm going to list all the things you need to do, so you too, can - BE JUST LIKE THEM!!!

That's right, do all of these things (I'll stop at 21) and you'll be the best shitty international, leading edge presenter, there is!!

How to Make A Powerful Presentation

1. Arrive late to your presentation and be completely phased by the fact that you're late. And make some pitiful excuse why you were late! ("...traffics bad this time of morning...").


2. Have no idea how the technical gear you need to use works. How to plug in your laptop to the projector, use a microphone, set sound levels and lighting. Or even open your PowerPoint presentation to begin with!


3. You ask a person in the audience if they can help you setup. Put the chairs out, your manuals and colored pens.


4. When you're introduced to the audience by the MC, correct the MC and let them know how they got some of the details about you wrong. That way you look great because you make others wrong.


5. Stand in front of the projector that is displaying your presentation on the screen behind you. This way you'll have part of your slide projecting onto you ,which will really bring your presentation alive.


6. Walk randomly back and forth across the stage or sway from side to side while standing in 1 place as though you're on a ship at sea. This is an excellent hypnotic induction technique you're using and when they do go to sleep you'll blame them. Not realising you're actually boring them to tears!


7. Make sure your PowerPoint presentation has heaps of words on each slide and preferably use a font size that requires you to squint your eyes to see the mass of words projected onto the screen.


8. Use graphs that can not be seen clearly and say these words "...you probably can't see this graph.." and continue to speak to the group using information from the graph.


9. Use a consistent drone in your voice and minimise any form of vocal variety.


10. When the opportunity presents itself, sound as though what you're saying is the least bit interesting to you. You must also demonstrate how this presentation is an interruption to you doing your favourite activity i.e. gardening or reading a book. (being anywhere else but there!)


11. Read your slides to the audience, word for word. Under no circumstances are you to deviate from what you have written. This is an excellent strategy, to ensure you're like so many other of those shitty presenters. (apparently, if you're from across the seas and do this you here in NZ you must be an expert. So no one says you were crap out of respect for your international reputation!)


12. Use no sequenced line in, one at a time transitions, available to you in PowerPoint. Have all the writing that you have on each slide appear, all at once. Overwhelming them with you're brilliant knowledge of the subject.


13. Under no circumstances are you to allow any form of interaction or engagement between yourself and the audience. While doing this, make sure you keep the audience fixed to their seats without any opportunity to move about or stretch. After all, why would they want to, you're so damn interesting!


14. Lose your place and go searching through your notes for 1-2 minutes to find out where you are in your presentation while ignoring the audience. Make sure you mumble under your breath "...I new this would happen..." - forgetting that your microphone is on.


15. Make 2 or 3 derogatory jokes about religion, politics, gender, race or sexually explicit acts with animals. Ignore the fact that no one laughs. After all, the audience is not as smart as you are, when it comes to appropriate comedy and humor.


16. Insert inappropriate cartoon slides that will hopefully offend a large cross section of the audience. Cartoons that are best used are ones's that have serious religious overtones and guranteed to offend a good cross section of your audience. Naturally you'll think the murmuring of disgust from the audience is in fact a sign they love what you're message.


17. When someone arrives a little late. Make an immediate example out of them and embarrass them in front of the audience. Reminding them, of how disrespectful it is that they've arrived late to your powerful presentation which you've taken days to prepare.


18. Should you have someone ask you a question about the topic you are presenting on. Make them wrong, as soon as you can. This will ensure you're not interrupted again, allowing you to boldly move on through your 79 slides in the remaining 60 minutes you've got, before finishing.


19. Near the end of your presentation insert references to your expo stand you have at the conference and your latest, DVD, mp3 recordings, t-shirts and books you are selling. Offer them a discount if they rush out at the end of your presentation, and you'll (lucky them!) sign copies for the 1st 10 people who buy your latest book today.


20. Knowing the exorbitant fee the conference organisers are paying for your 90 minute presentation. You you are to provide added value, by running over the time allocated for you. The best length of time to run over is 20 minutes, and ignore anyone who gets up and walks out, as you know that they do not appreciate the fact that you're offering extra value by going over the allotted time.


21. Finally. When people meet you after your presentation. Be rude, ignore all interested people who want to meet you. At all times you are to remain aloof and indignant, seperating yourself from this lower class of people, of which you believe all conference goers are. Perhaps, 1 day, they too may reach your "higher order of excellence" and be a conference keynote speaker just like YOU.(whatever!).

This list was way too easy for me to put together. How sad that fact is. If you are a presenter, I hope I have stood on your toes and fingers (ouch!) in the hope, if any of what I have listed - is YOU. That you will change you're ways. And quickly. If I have offended you - congratulations. I hope you will review what you're doing and make some immediate changes to both your attitude and your immense lack of skill!



Audiences deserve better, than what many are offering.