What Are You Teaching Them?

My understanding about learning is, we are always learning. In fact we are never not learning. We are learning machines, wired to learn from our very first breath and as we grow we learn from our every experience we have on our life's journey.

This can be either good or bad. It can make us or break us for we are constantly learning.

So I figure that the flip side of always learning is that we are also, always teaching.

You with me on this?

Are you paying attention?

Stay with me and pay close attention... now!

We are teaching others in our every communication, gesture, grunt or wave of our hand. In our every email reply, our twitter posting or regular blog posts. We are teaching others when we yell, shout or whisper to those near us or across the room. This teaching we are doing is conveyed to those around us and may not necessarily be conscious and deliberate learning but non-conscious and covert learning. Parents teach their children about life's likes and dislikes before they themselves can say "...mummy" and this learning stays with them well on into their adult lives. If children are the reflection of their parents then staff are the reflection of management and students are the reflection of their teachers and lecturers etc... in either whole or in part.

How many of you have now begun to struggle with this message. (Startin' to feel a little uncomfortable, aye?)

A good teacher remains conscious of what they are teaching their students and knows how both the formal and informal lessons are both important and contribute to the total learning experience the student has. Over time this will reflect in their behaviour and attitude and provide a framework which they will use to guide their career - or not.

An Example or Two

Managers who are not aware of the way they respond to staff when they make a mistake or achieve the months KPI's will be teaching their staff how to respond in similar situations in the future. You may have taught them by your response, that it's unsafe to make a mistake at work, so hide it if you do. That you don't get praised for achieving the months KPI's, so they've learnt to not push any harder than they need to, as the extra work goes unnoticed by management.

A daughter breaks a much loved ornament and brings the pieces to mum crying with the many pieces in her hand. Mum growls and is angry at the daughter and tells her that she is clumsy and did a dumb and stupid thing. What is mum teaching in that brief moment of time? That it is unsafe to tell mum when you've done something wrong. In the years to come mum may be heart broken as her daughter no longer shares her hopes and dreams or concerns with her mother and the lines of intimacy have been drawn.

A husband says some sharp words to his wife in a heated argument one evening. She responds by being upset and goes to their room crying. He realises that what he said was inappropriate and unkind. He tentatively goes to her and says in a sincere manner, "I'm sorry honey, I didn't mean what I said and I shouldn't have said what I did. Please forgive me". She tells him sorry wont fix it and then takes the offensive and pushes him away and starts her on barrage of words. He repeats his apology to her, with her not accepting it, followed by a day or more of distancing and detachment.

What do you think he has just learnt? (please reverse the gender roles to better suit your own situation). I'm sure you've got it, aye? That's right, he's (or she) learnt not to apologise as it does nothing to fix things between the 2 of them. If the kids are present at the time, they also have learnt how to respond when it's their turn to fight with either mum or dad!

You'll have your own examples of these all too common situations of teaching others based on our responses. I have specifically focused on the negatives in the examples I've used. There are of course positives that are taught to others in exactly the same way. At the very point of every response you make, as the direct result of a specific situation that has occured. You are teaching others how to or how not to behaviour should a similar situation arise for them in the future. In essence, you have created an expectation response within the other person (good or bad?).

Awareness of What You're Doing

Become more conscious of how you are responding to others. Ask the question "What am I teaching them if I respond in this manner?"

If you want others to be more aggressive then treat them aggressively. If you want them to be forgiving then show them forgiveness. If you want a situation to escalate where negative emotions become an acceptable way to react then model that to others. If you want a person to tell the truth then reward them for telling you the truth even though what they have said may have hurt you.

The world has an uncanny way of reflecting back to us what we put out there. What are you projecting to those around you? What are you teaching them with your every response? And is there a need for you to consider a change for the better?

Do you truely understand the role that you have played in creating the behaviour or attitude that you are experiencing from others, based on how you have responded to them in the past? Do you understand that you have in some small way contributed to the attitudes and behaviours around you?

I wonder, what is it exactly, that you are teaching them?

Mistake Maker

Take some time to think about this situation.

You're a bank processor and are loading a clients overdraft request that has been cleared by your Manager. The overdraft request is for an extension of $100,000.00's, which you are now to load into the system and make available to the client.

It's been one of those days and in your haste you load the overdraft incorrectly. Without realising it, you innocently load the client with access to an overdraft of $10,000,000.00's that's right - 10 million dollar's. Well, the electronic flag's at your work are raised immediately (thank goodness), due to the large amount loaded and management are now aware that an error has occurred. For whatever reason, they did not address the problem immediately.

In the mean time, the client, realising his additional overdraft windfall, electronically withdraws 3.8 million dollars and he and his partner quickly leave the country (they do a runner! - bye NZ!).

How would you feel if that really was you that did the processing error?

How would you want to be treated by your employer?

The story continues...

This actually happened a few weeks ago here in Rotorua, New Zealand. This week the lady who made the error, is being brought before a committee and is likely to lose her job as a result of her oversight. The papers report that she is "no-spring chicken" and has 30 years experience in the banking industry. It looks as though she will be sacked from her job due to her mistake and be unable to pay the mortgage on her house. Oh, and her Manager only got a warning and remains employed with the bank. This is a true story!

Your Reaction

Consider these questions:

• How do you react when someone you're managing makes a mistake, causes an error or does something wrong or out of character?


• How do you speak to them?


• How do you treat them?


• How do you approach them?


• Do you seek to understand them and show compassion towards them?


• Do you forgive and pardon them?


• Do you evaluate all the circumstances and the different perspectives unemotionally?


• Do you seek for a positive outcome for all those involved?


• Do you negatively escalate the situation emotionally, beyond what it should be?


• Do you at every opportunity throw their mistake back at them to remain dominate over them?
• Do you take advantage of the situation to exert your dominance over them and belittle them?


• Do you make the most of the opportunity to gently bring them to an awareness of the cost of the situation and seek to support them through the learning they can gain, from having made this error in judgement?

Quite a few YES or NO questions aren't there!

How do you typically react when your son's or daughters make a mistake. How do you treat your friends, workmates or an unknown driver in the car in front of you on the motorway, when they screw up?

Personally, I've made some humongous mistakes in my life. I'm very likely going to make many more.

Have you? have you made a mistake or 2? And if so, how did you like to be treated when that happened to you? How would you prefer to have been approached? How would you like the ensuing conversation to be carried out?

The Situation

There are 2 sides that need to be considered for a truly successful outcome to occur when mistakes are made. There's the response from the person who made the mistake and there is the response from the person who is directly affected by the mistake. I'm focusing here, on your response to someone making a mistake that affects you. In a later article I will focus on how to respond when you are the person making the mistake.

In this instance (best case scenario) the person who has made the mistake is taking full responsibility for the mistake they have made (no excuses). They accept liability and are accountable for it. They also are hurt that they did it and saddened by their lack of accuracy, skill or attention which has caused the error to occur. They may even have bought the error to your attention and could have successfully blamed others for it or hidden it and you wouldn't have known about it at all. This is the type of person who has made the mistake (for the sake of this article).

NOW... how would you treat them, how would you deal with the situation?

Depending on how you do deal with this will determine a number of things:

• Whether they will come to you in future when they make other mistakes.


• Whether they fear you and the consequences that they'll receive again if they make a mistake.


• Whether they will try to lie their way out of a similar situation in the future.


• Whether they will learn that taking responsibility for your mistakes is the right thing to do.


• Whether they grow from the experience and learn to never make it again.


• Whether they learn to be compassionate and forgiving to others who make mistakes that impact their lives.


• Whether they begin to lose their confidence and make more mistakes.

Pretty powerful stuff, aye! (all dependent on how you respond).

And all this is highly dependant on how you will respond to them when the make an error, an oversight, poor lack of judgement or in the bank processors example, a misplaced decimal point!!!

Make a list of how you would like to be treated when you make a mistake.


See if your list aligns with some of the key points that I've listed below, that will ensure a positive outcome is reached when you're faced with having to deal with a person who has made a mistake which they are taking responsibility for.

• Step away from the emotion of the situation. (cool off if you have too)


• Suspend your judgement and opinions (start with a blank slate)


• Seek to understand how this came to happen. (ask questions for clarity)


• Listen to them without interrupting them.


• Support them emotionally.


• Show them compassion & empathy for how they feel for what they have done (doesn't mean you agree with what they have done).


• Seek to find a positive solution for all parties involved (solution based focus)


• Ask what they have learnt and what they will do to ensure this does not happen again.


• Be forgiving and seek to understand the situation from their perspective


• Speak to them in a gentle tone of voice and manner. (no yelling and throwing your arms around)


• Create a safe environment for them to speak honestly and openly to you about what happened.


• Make the time and place appropriate to discuss what happened.


• Thank them for being responsible and accountable for their part in the mistake.

Well there you go! You now have a few more ideas on how to address this situation when it happens to you (it will if it hasn't already), whether you are a mum, son, or senior manager.

(oh, and a plug at schools - you also need to get better at doing this too! Read an upcoming article titled "What are you teaching them?")


I hope that you'll be more aware of the role that you play, when faced with having to deal with someone who has made a mistake in your life and the mistake, accident or error impacts you. It's a defining moment for you both. If dealt with correctly, it can become an opportunity to grow you both.




Oh, as for the bank processor story told at the beginning:



"What a pathetic way to deal with an honest and innocent mistake made by one of your employee's.

Shame on you WESTPAC BANK!"

For more background on this banking blunder, click on:

http://www.3news.co.nz/National/Story/tabid/423/articleID/105533/cat/640/Default.aspx

Break the Rules

The title speaks for its self, doesn't it?

How good are you at breaking the rules? How good are you at challenging what has always been done? So often I find myself amazed at how many organisations are still doing what they have always done. Not ever challenging why they do what they do or even consider the possibility, that things can and could be done in a better, more innovative way.

The rigidity found in systematising a process, be it in a thriving business, in training and development or a coaching methodology, in my opinion, destroys the long term potential for progress and success.

Temporay Solution

Initially it appears innocent, to formalise a process, even benchmark it and standardise it. Initially all those involved support the establishing of rules or guidelines that provide a sense of direction and sequencing of steps to the job being undertaken. It even brings about a sense of unity among those who agree that this is how we will do things i.e. customer service, a coaching processes, training delivery techniques, HR performance management etc...

Doing this also brings a sense of comfort and security to the group or staff involved and everyone gains the understanding that we are all "...singing from the same choir sheet". At first glance it all looks great! But things are often not as they appear.

The Problem

The formalising and cementing of "due process" immediately eliminates the possibility of being able to operate outside of that framework. While the framework was designed to help and support the business or it's customers. It also cuts off the possibility of assisting those that fall outside of it.

I come across this mentality on a near, daily basis (where process over rules service) and one recent example comes to mind. On Monday evening this week, Lena and I were at a Roast dinner Shop and I ordered a roast pork dinner. I asked the person serving me, if I could buy some additional crackling (crispy, roast pork skin - yummy!) and I was told that they don't sell the crackling separately! Was I a satisfied customer? - NO! (I was clearly outside of the acceptable rules put in place for the businesses effectiveness, but NOT for the customer's satisfaction!).

Look for these examples throughout your day, and you will find many to choose from.

Education is one that comes to mind, where the student is to learn at a speed and rate that has been agreed on for the age of the child, by the educational sector. If you your child doesn't fit the process they have set, then your child is classified as a poor learner and may now require special attention. Mental Health is yet another example, you are to fit into the DSMIV manual or a similar diagnosis tool, and if you do not, then you are the problem, not the system of diagnosis being used. And if you do not respond to the treatment or clinical therapy offered, well... you most definitely are at fault!

Let's go for another, while I am on a role. Training delivery and coaching organisations that have a specific model or models they base their certification on. It will likely be established on credible research and proven to be an effective method of delivering training or providing coaching. It will also be endorsed by the "leaders" in the field as being of great value further supported by testimonials of very satisfied clients. (must be good then...)

So what's the problem? That's easy for me to explain, and much harder for those groups to accept the message I have for them. The very methods they use to define their certification and the way training is to be delivered (learning styles is 1) or coaching is to be performed. Eliminates the freedom to challenge, change or consider new approaches, as it falls outside of the agreed and accepted models that now define that profession.

The process originally used to define the group and position themselves into a niche market, has now become a prison for them. While initially offering security and safety, it also locks out change and progress, because it challenges the hard earned status quo they have fought so hard to establish (we can't allow that now can we!).

History is littered with the martyrdom of men and women who were labelled as heretics or maveriks because they challenged the current accepeted way things were done. In the old days they were burnt at the stake, recieved wipings, hung by the neck and left to die or drowned. Today these people are ostricised from the corporate in-crowd, lambasted corporately via emails, trialled by management and the HR department and dimissed from their position, or similar.

Wanted - More Mavericks!

For long term continued progress we must eveluate the relevance of what we are doing, not accepting the models that define the profession as being fixed in stone and to be fought over to the death to ensure they are kept sacred for the many years ahead. We need to have the flexibility to consider change that was never considered before. We need to embrace the possibility that there are newer and better ways to do what we do and have done so, for far too long.

• Learn the rules to break the rules!
• Challenge what is accepted as an effective means to do what you do!
• Consider the possibility of "what if we are wrong about this...?"
• Entertain the idea of a new approach that may be the opposite to what has always been done!

Are you willing to be a maverik of a sort? To look at what has always been done and consider is that true in all situations? Could it be, that what we consider unacceptable practice, is in fact an opportunity to make new advancements in our porfession.

Conformity and uniformity is the death of long term progress and innovation. Change or die is the message being hearalded to all businesses and professions.

May we always celebrate those who say they "...see things and wonder why, when others see things and say - why not!

Footnote:

The NLP & NS communities need to be aware of the dangers of formalising their processes. And the part it plays in destroying the long term advancements that can be made through continued progress and evaluation. Remember Ashley's Law of Requisite Variety?

The Real Corporate Virus

We've all done it to one another. We've been used as an example of it in front of workmates or family members. It's highly likely we're going to do it again soon. And it destroys sustainable business performance, all of our relationships, the level of staff engagement and our inter-departmental communication. (to name but a few)

What is it?

BLAME!!! (easy wasn't it?)

Harmless?

Everyone at every level does it, so what's the problem? Come on... it's not that bad, after all -there's gotta be a scapegoat for every screw up, doesn't there?

Shorten the Word

Take the "B" off of the word blame and that's what's happening at every level of an organisation. The workplace will be LAME, disabled, limp and disenabled, as a direct result of allowing blame to blossom and bloom.

As long as blame is promoted as an acceptable way of dealing with low performance or failures. There will never be an opportunity to truly achieve the collective potential of a team, business or relationship. Blame will always be the reason why staff are irresponsible & unaccountable. They totally lack ownership of what they do and why they are not succeeding. Blame allows unacceptable behaviour to rule and provides for a way out of taking any responsibility for not realising KPI's or achieving service expectations.

Blame ensures that bullies remain in their roles and offers everyone the chance of being a victim for a day or more. High performance will never be a reality as long as blame is allowed to permeate the walls of the corporate boardroom. Few businesses address the blame culture that has spread globally. Few Chief Executives will actively inoculate their senior management team from being able to use blame as a valid reason for poor performance.

• What will you do to eliminate blame from your workplace?


• Will you be willing to no longer blame others for your poor performance?


• Will you take ownership of what you do and say on a daily basis?


• Will you no longer blame others for how you feel or think?

Set Yourself FREE

I wonder, if you will or will not remain with the vast majority and continue to blame others for why you are not performing as you should at work?

It takes so little to seperate yourself from the rest of the corporate blamers. All you have to do is take full and complete ownership of what you do and say. What you don't do, and for what you do - do. It's that easy!

In doing so, you seperate yourself from the world of blamers and begin to determine your own destiny and the level of personal performance you achieve.

It's up to you. To blame or not to blame - that's the question.

More To Come

I will write more on this topic, as it is, in my opinion, the basis of the majority of the hurts we experience at work and within our 4 walls, when at home. It is the foundational mindset for all long term change, byway of a coaching conversation. Refusing to blame, is the over arching principle of all those who beat the poor odds that life throws at them, and still... they succeeded!

Eliminate blame from all you do and say. Take ownership of what you do (and don't do), and how you feel (irrespective of what others do). And you will begin to personally determine the quality of your own experience, in all aspects of your life, on a daily basis.

Snoopy - More Onto It Than YOU

The cartoon of Snoopy reads as follows:

"Sometimes when I get up in the morning I feel very peculiar".

"I feel like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat before sundown, I'll go crazy!!"

"But then I just take a deep breath and forget about it".

"That's what is known as real maturity".

Now. Let's talk about you...

Ever woke up in the morning and was aware that you felt peculiar but wasn't sure of what it is that's causing it? And then, as the day progressed, you found yourself being "shitty" with those who ventured across your path throughout the day. It's possible you didn't even realise that you were peculiar and yet felt, that if any one steps out of line today, you are going to "bite" them, for sure!

How aware are you of the mood you wake up in? How aware are you of the state or attitude you carry with you throughout your day? Few people I meet are actually aware of their mood and show a complete lack of maturity in their willingness to manage them better. (moods is what I'm talking about!) These people certainly do not have the maturity, that Snoopy speaks of in the Peanuts cartoon above.

Your ability to know the state of mind you are in and your ability to positively change your mood is in deed a must have life-skill and a powerful demonstration of personal mastery. The cost to yourself and those around you is huge, when you decide that you will "... bite a cat before sundown...".

An Example

When I deliver training I meet thousands of people each year. Those attending may be present in a workshop for as little as a few hours, or as long as a number of consecutive days. It's a skill I have as a trainer, to quickly identify the person or people who have woken up wanting to "...bite a cat". And in this case it's me they want to bite or the content, that they want to bite into and tear apart. These people are typically unable to "...take a deep breath and forget about it" as Snoopy is able to. Instead, these trainees remain in the same mood for the entire training session and miss the life changing effect that others in the same room are experiencing. (sad but true!).

The funniest thing (this is true), is to ask them, at the end of the training, to fill in a feedback form about how they found the training! Do you think they can show their maturity at this time? Or, will they wallow in their peculiar mood and fill the feedback form in, based on their need to "...bite a cat before sundown!" (you know the answer - don't you)

A Critical Skill
Our ability to be aware of our moods and have the ability to change our moods is a must have life skill. Leadership without this skill is dangerous and will cause great expense to the organisation. Parents who are unable to do this will drive their children out of their home when they are old enough to leave, or send their children off to school in tears - all because mum or dad woke up, wanting to "...bite a cat!"

Lovers who do not manage their moods and have the skill of transforming their moods will find the relationship to be difficult and at worst, violent!

How important is it that we learn what Snoopy speaks of?

In my own opinion - it is critical.

Business Deficit

When will businesses learn that emotional management will always result in less personal grievances and performance problems within the work place? When will a Human Resources Department address the need for staff to learn how to manage their emotions, behaviours and communication? When will they (if at all) realise that the Workforce Development Manager or Professional Development & Training Advisor, plays a critical role in providing training to staff that directly addresses this problem, rampant in businesses throughout our country (and likely yours too).

It is more likely that they will not, than they will.

With a corporate focus placed on performance and achieving KPI's, it is more likely that they will maintain the current beat of the drum that has always sounded and continues to drive for increased performance and staff conformity. Leaving the "soft-skills" as an unnecessary part of staff development. As a result of this focus, staff will continue to "bite" one another and the HR Advisers will always be an ambulance at the bottom of the corporate cliff, trying to salvage those who have fallen, due to work colleagues and managers who have no ability to recognise the need to better manage their emotions and preferably, have learnt the skill of how to transform them.

What are the benefits to a business that has this type of approach?

Increased performance and profit, reduced stress and staff attrition, increased staff engagement and a work culture that is distinctly different than the typical, emotionally immature organisation who has a culture where we will "... bite a cat before sundown!".