REVENGE - Because I can

Have you been tempted yet? Given them back, some of the same treatment they gave you?

Come on... think about it –

That time, awhile back, when you thought to yourself “...I so want to punish them for what they have done to me!”

It seems that this is far more common than many of us like to admit. The need to get back at some one or some thing, that has caused us harm. I’ve seen it at the most senior level of business management, in the school playground or amongst groups of people who are brought together because of a unified foe.

Getting even, getting one up, pay backs or getting your own back. Whatever you may call it – we’re talking about revenge. Look back over the course of history and you’ll find it woven, into the fabric of our cultures. The desire to avenge ourselves or our loved ones for unforgivable attrocities, is deeply embedded in us as a human race.

I read recently how we can quickly get angry by being in the presence of an angry person. We have mirror neurons that quickly align with the emotions a person is presenting to us and we can find ourselves becoming angry as a direct result of how they are behaving toward us. We seem more able to meet anger with anger than anger with calmness and peace. There is a place for mirroring another, yet that place is not in a conflict situation. It requires a different type of approach. An approach that doesn’t repay others, in kind.

It's an approach that I took sometime to come acrosss myself. I recall too well, the times I had remained awake for many a night scheming how I would pay back those who had deeply grieved me. Thankfully, those days are long gone, and so too can they be for those who you know suffer from the need to seek revenge. Read on.

Corporate Revenge
When I’m Coaching in a corporate setting. I’ve found that some are hurting because of an injustice (there perspective) that has happened to them. As a result of this, they take on the view, that if that’s how I’m treated, then they will do the same back to them. This is the age old premise of an “eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth”. (No I’m not going to begin a theological view on the biblical scriptures). This view is not too uncommon across the globe. What I want to present here, is how I coach a person away from avenging themselves onto others.

To become like those we despise, hate or are infuriated by. To take time to plan and follow the plan through to avenge yourself on another. To be consumed day and night, with thoughts and emotions on how to get back at another – has dire consequences. Both mentally and physically. Here are a 3 techniques I use as coaching strategies, to quell the desire in those I coach, to gain revenge over others.

A Never Ending Cycle
Revenge creates an ongoing cycle of “I do to you and you do to me”. And it continous on and on and... You’re always looking over your shoulder for the next pay back that’s coming your way. You’re constantly on the lookout for an opportunity to pay them back. There is no rest for you. You’ll wear yourself out and those close to you. Sadly, the act of revenge can be passed onto others and overtime those that have hatred for others (clans, gangs or brands) don’t have a damn clue why we hate those people!

Realise the never ending cycle revenge brings with it and decide whether that is the life you want. Is it also the life you truely want those you love, to have also? If not then make plans to change what you’re doing. Plan to stop being vengeful. What will you do, that will cause this desire to gain revenge - to stop?

Become Like Them!
The more we become consumed with hatred, vengence or similar thoughts. The more we focus on what we can and hope to do to others and how bad they are. We become, overtime – like them! The awful truth is we become the thing we disliked or hated. When this happens we have no inner peace, as we realise the behaviours we hated are now our own. Transference has occurred.

On a personal note, when my Grandmother said to me, as a rebelious 13 year old, how I was just like my Father (whom I hated at the time and resolved this many years later). I immediately realised how I was mirroring the behaviour (anger) I despised in him. As a result, I changed my behaviour for the better.

Did you like the way you were treated so much so, that you will replicate it within yourself? You didn’t like it being done to you and now you’re doing it to others! Wake up! Realise what you’re doing and stop it immediately! Make the choice to no longer be like that.

When a person truely realises the total cost of revenge. The emotional and psychological drain, revenge has on them and those close to them. It is easy to begin to plan an effective strategy to move away from revenge and towards a peace of mind that superceeds revenge.

Success Overcomes!

The best form of revenge - if that's what you want to call it, is for you to be successful. For you to rise above those setbacks that have caused you hurt. Those people who want to see you fail. By being successful you show that you are resilient and able to powerfully overcome those who try to put you down. That you are made of "the right stuff".

You do this by simply - being successful. Achieveing, striving and realising your potential is the best form of vengence. What I have found is, on the journey to realising your full potential, you will have your mind diverted away from seeking revenge. By being successful in small things you will learn progressively to fully enjoy the pursuit of your own excellence. Give it a go!

Revenge Free
I hope these 3 points will help you should you find yourself in a situation, either at home or in the office, where revenge may rear its ugly head in someone close to you.

Happy coaching, training, menotoring and managing. As you remain free from seeking revenge from those you feel have wronged you.

4D's of Success

This is a quick version of a presentation I have used numerous times as a keynote presenter or in a training setting. I've also found it useful in a coaching session where I can summarise for the coachee the key points needed for success in any activity. Use this model, add to it or take away from it, and let me know how it goes.

One of the more interesting situations I have used this presentation was with a National Rugby team, as a pre-game talk prior to them competing in the National finals. It has plenty of uses - is what I'm trying to get at here. Use your imagination on how you can use this and see what you can come up with.

4D's of Success

Success has 4 distinctive parts. Each part is woven into the other, to mesh together an unbreakable weave that ensures your success. I have listed them here as the 4D's of success.

Decision:

You must make a decision, that you will be successful. Where are decisions made? - In your amazing brain of course! Many say they would like this and like that, but very few actually make a real decision to be successful and go for it. They do too much talking and not enough walking! All talk and no action. You however, must make a decision that you will succeed.

In our modern times we have no lack of choice. In fact we have more choice available to us than, at any other time in history. We are able to choose between many options, varieties and demonstrations, all abound, plentifully. So we do not have a choice problem. What we have is a decision problem.

You must decide to "cut-off" any other option that may distract you from succeeding. It requires you to decide that success is the only option for you and failure is not. Decide now, and you will find a completely different level of commitment, will be found within you.

Desire:

Once you have made a decision, then, just 30cm lower than your head, lays your heart. Often thought of as the place of our emotions. It is here where we must ignite the fires of desire to fuel the decision making process you have made. When you have made a decision it must be supported by an intense emotional desire to achieve. We make decisions in our head, but that is not enough. We must use our emotions to fire ourselves up, to follow through on our decisions.

As wrong as it is, to make important decisions based on emotion alone. So too, is it wrong to make a decision and not have it fuelled with an intense desire to follow through and achieve. Become comfortable with positive emotions that ignite your desire to succeed. Without desire, intense passion and emotional energy - you will soon grow cold and become disillusioned with achieving your goal. Desire compliments decision and drives you toward your goal.

Determination:

Desire is the thermostat for determination. The level of desire you have to succeed will always be equal to the level of determination you have. When you're desire is high, so too will your level of determination. When you're desire for what you want is low, so also will your level of determination. It is as easy as that! This places a high importance on your level of desire. Grow your desire and you will grow your determination to keep at it, to never give up, to succeed against insurmountable obstacles!

If for any reason you notice you are lacking in determination revisit the 2 previous D's. Reconsider and recommit to your decision. You must know why it is, that you have decided to do what you are doing. Revisit your desire, passion and drive to "feel" again the energy required to pursue your goal once again. I have never found determination is the problem when the going gets tough but rather, desire and decision making. By revisiting the 1st 2D's, you will re-ignite your determination once again.

Discipline:

Notice how this is the last of the 4D's. Many fail because they place too much emphasis on discipline and not on the other 3D's. When you have the other 3D's, discipline will take care of itself. Do not however overlook it. Discipline is needed throughout your journey to success. Your ability to say "NO!" to anything and everything that may sway you from staying on track and focused on your goal - is imperative. Woven together with your decision making, your desire to achieve and your determination. Discipline compliments each of them, and is sustained by each of them.

Learn to say NO! to all distractions. Do so by being mindful of why you are doing, what you're doing. This will keep you on track and focused.

Closing:

So there you have it. Short and sweet! No strings attached. You now have the foundations of personal success. Which of the 4D's must you focus on? Which one do you strugle with? Identify it and then work on it and remember it may actually be 1 of the previous D's that is needed to increase your likelyhood of success.

It's up to you now. Apply the 4D's.. and... as Nike has said, and you know so well... Just Do It!

Apples Like Never Before

Here in NZ, we watched a week ago, as a tragic event unfolded in Napier (I lived there for 14 years). Jan Molenaar shot a police officer dead, wounded 2 other police officers and a neighbour. Who tried to wrestle the rifle off of Molenaar, giving the 2 wounded officers an opportunity to crawl away and in the process, getting shot himself.

Molenaar remained held up in his fortified home, with some 70 plus, near by homes either being evacuated, or others with their occupants hiding in their homes as the siege unfolded. Molenaar was heavily armed and kept as many as 100 Police and Special Tactics teams at bay, for near 3 days. The drama, finalising with the death of Jan Molenaar, found dead in his master bedroom.

For NZ this is a tragic event which will forever be remembered in our countries history. A country with just over 4.2 million people, we have had very few of these hollywood movie type gun battles.

Why did this happen? What went wrong, for a man to return home after the morning walking his dog to find 3 police man searching his home. He takes exception to this and shoots the officers, who were on a low profile drug search of his home at the time.

What bought this to mind for me was Jan Mollenar was a regular and long term member of the Gym I owned in Napier. He was an unassuming, dedicated weight trainer who I found polite and easy to talk to. What went wrong? How does this and similar events, world wide happen?

I'm not going to write on the Napier tragedy. I'm sure the Clinical Psychologists and Criminologists will have a filed day with Molenaar's case. What I am going to give here is an overview of a topic I have been studying for quite sometime now. I hope you find it both interesting and thought provoking.

What Makes Good People Go Bad.

As I mentioned before, I have been researching this topic for quite sometime.

• What is it that turns an everyday averge person into a monster, causing unimaginable atrocities?

• What is it that turns staff within an organisation to behave in a synister manner, towards their boss or fellow workmates, causing havoc in the workplace and the deliberate destruction of team moral and synergy?

These are questions I have asked myself often, as a direct result of the work I do, in righting very difficult conflict situations within the corporate world. I'm going to outline some of my findings here for you and hopefully prompt you to consider a more holistic and systemic approach when coaching or managing staff who are behaving out of character, causing harm to those they work with and themselves.

A leading researcher I have come across in studying the psychology of evil is Dr Phillip Zimbardo and his book The Lucifer Effect (a rather large book to read. This'll save you some time). Here I will use my adaptation of his 3 stage example and metaphor. I'll also add some of my own findings to the model for your use.

3 Likely Causes of Bad Apples

1) A Bad Apple:

The cause to the problem could be that you have recruited the wrong person. That is, they are not the right business fit. They do not align with the mission, vision and values of the organisation. Worst case scenario here, is they are just down right nasty. Even be a corporate sociopath. It's suggested that 2-3% of our workforce is made up of sociopaths. Many of these people due to their need for control, are attracted to senior management! This brings a whole new outlook to leadership training.

The trouble a bad apple can cause to a barrel of apples is huge! The best approach is to extract the bad apple fro the barrel and question the apple sorters on "...How the hell did you let this peson in here?"

To sort this out requires a robust recruitment process (way too often lacking and too orientated to behavioural interviewing) and also requires a manager who is able to effectively performance manage the bad apple out.

2) Good Apple Put In A Bad Apple Barrel :

This is a sad situation. A good apple thrown into a bad apple barrel!

To survive, the good apple has to either crawl from the barrel and move on or stay, and fight to become the leader of all the bad apples. At the very least, fight fire with fire and become a bad apple themselves.

Again, management allowing this to happen, is unacceptable. Likely the result of poor management, weak human resource consultants and a closed eye approach to unacceptable behaviour by all staff. Situations will frequently flare up when you mix bad apples with bad apples and through in a few good apples to make it interesting.

People are strongly influenced by those they mix with and more so, powerfully influenced by those they are lead by.

3) Bad Apple Barrel

This is the systemic cause of what turns good people bad. The apple barrel is the problem. The barrel is the organisation, systems within the organisation, beuracratic processes, laws and rules that are untenable, pay scales that are unfair etc...

It's the system that breeds bad appples. You are inducted to be bad or even evil, because it is necessary to survive within the system. It is the system that causes the situation, that causes the good appples to go bad and hires the bad apples in the first place.

It is not always the barrel that is the problem. It can be those who represent the system further down the corporate chain of command, are bad apples. Creating situations that cause apples to go bad and hire apples that are similar to themselves or apples that cause no threat to themselves.

Summary
It's important, if conflict is present within a team that the cause is found - and quickly. Here you have 3 options, and it could be an isolated situation or a blender mix of varying degrees of each of the 3 apple examples.

When searching for the cause, of why did this person, who was once an exceptional performer, now causing problems. You need to be mindful of the 3 areas. Remain open minded throughout as you find the source of the problem. By doing so you will be able to offer suggestions on how to rectify the situation. Transforming the team to a highly functional and profiatble team once again. This is no easy coaching assignment and often not suited for the feint hearted. I have been using this model for quite sometime now and found it to consistantly provide positive results for those apples many within the barrel though were terminal. Change can happen when you know what you need to be looking for.

I hope this article helps you in understanding a little, of why people can, and often do turn bad. In understanding what the cause is we can then prescribe a way to rectify the problem. If you do not know this you could mistakenly fix it at one level and it will only be a temporary fix as it wasn't fixed at the correct level needed for sustainable change to take place.

I have inserted below a recording of a famous test by Milgrim reproduced by Derren Brown. Milgrim did 1,000's of studies to find whether people would cause harm to others knowingly, and act completely out of character. It is a very revealing study on how we can be influenced to do the unthinkable.


Viewing Advice: You may find it best to click on play allowing it to "buffer"and then press pause - wait a moment to give the video time to load, then press play - giving you an unbroken viewing of the clip. Hope that helps.

Reputation Is Everything!

I was delivering a team training a few weeks ago. I had been with the team before, but I had not met their National Manager. Staff were mingling amongst themselves, awaiting for the day of training to begin. A gentleman who I didn't recognise walked into view and strode up to me with his arm outstretched saying in a pleasant voice, "you must be Colin...". We shook hands and I said warmly, and with a smiley "I am".

"Colin, your reputation precedes you, I'm..." He proceeded to introduce himself, and we briefly exchanged pleasantries.

What Goes Before You

Does your reputation precede you?

Are you aware of what reputation you have?

Take a moment and think about that. What sort of reputation do you have? Take it even further. What reputation does your business have, your service and the product you provide? Have you given it some thought?

We are building our reputation minute by minute, day by day. What's yours like?

Forming a Reputation

A reputation once formed, is hard to shake off. This can be a good thing but it can work against you. Especially if you have a bad one!

How you interact with others contributes to the reputation you will have. Your reputation will go ahead of you. Your reputation is spread quickly byway of word of mouth. Your reputation never sleeps. You will never know who hears it, nor do you know how far reaching it can travel.

I've met people who deliberately went out of their way to gain a reputation for being tough, mean, violent, aggressive and confrontational. I've also met people who have purposefully worked at developing a reputation of being, kindhearted, generous, understanding, approachable and knowledgeable.

What you do, whether infrequently or consistently, contributes to the formation of the reputation you have at home, in the workplace or on the sports field.

Do you pay attention to what you are doing, that creates your reputation?

Who Cares?
Is it all that important to be concerned about your reputation? Surely, we have no control over it. After all it's peoples perspective and we can't control that!

You're partly right - we can influence the way people perceive us and in doing so, influence how they form their opinions of you. And in turn, the kind of reputation you will have.

You buy a product or service based on the reputation it has. Often passed onto you by friends. I've heard this spoken amongst friends when telling of a restaurant they ate at, where the service was poor and the food portions minuscule. How many times have we spoken of poor behaviour in the workplace and passed it onto others? Bad news travels fast!

A negative reputation can affect your ability to get a promotion, secure employment or make new friends. The cost of a bad reputation is often not obvious as many speak of your reputation behind closed doors. The damage done by a poor reputation is more often done behind closed doors and shared over a coffee or wine. Is it important to have a good one - YES!

Make it a Good One
I've listed for you 4 R's that need to be present to form a good reputation. They what I consider the basics necessary for forming a great reputation. A reputation that will precede you, in a positive way.

Responsible: Are you responsible? Do people know that you take ownership for what you do, whether it works or doesn't. Do you take care of others property? Do you make decisions and willing to be responsible for the results? Do you drive the company car as carefully as you would your own? Are you able to admit that you're wrong? That you made a screw up of things and are willing to own what happened or are you the type who avoids taking responsibility for what you do. There's plenty of those types around!

To form a great reputation you need to be responsible. Are you? If not - what changes will you make to begin to reshape your reputation?



Reliable: Can you be counted on? Do you do what you say you will? Do you say what you mean? Are you timely? Do you turn up when you say you will? Do you deliver what you said you would? Do you value others who are reliable, people who can be counted on? Of course you do! So... are you reliable?

Being reliable versus unreliable is about whether people can count on you. If you can be counted on, then you will be forming a sound reputation with the people around you.

Receptive: How receptive are you to feedback given you? Do you embrace change easily? Are you open to new processes? Do you take an interest in new ideas? Are you able to be given direction easily? How approachable are you?

Your level of receptivity will guide your reputation. People will speak of you as being an approachable person.

Remarkable: What do you do on a regular basis that makes you stand out? What are you doing that makes people want to speak about you in daily conversations or over email and MSN?

Are you committed to being remarkable at what you do or are you just plain average?

If you want to be talked about in such a way, that you have a reputation that precedes you. Then you need to be truly remarkable at what you do. It is this quality that must be present, that will ensure you are worthy of others remarking about you. What are you doing to make this happens?

A Strong Foundation

A reputation that is based on you being: responsible, reliable and receptive will positively influence the building of a reputation that can pay positive dividends to your advancement in your career, relationships, recruitment or sporting success.

Make a decision to be committed to forming a positive reputation. This will require you to be aware of how you treat people you meet daily, the service you provide and the product you deliver. You will need to be more conscious of what you do and how that can add or detract from you having a good reputation. Take this message lightly, and you will be ankle tapping yourself. It's up to you whether you find it important to have a "...reputation that precedes you".

Personally, I have found it invaluable to consistently contribute to the forming of a positive reputation. How about you?

Nine Lives to Live

I'm sure most of us have heard how cats have 9 lives. (If you haven't - you have now!)

It's one of those urban legends or old wives tales based on the family cat surviving some close shaves, when crossing the road, falling from a great height, being stuck in the neighbours drain pipe etc... And it is easy enough to draw the conclusion that cats have 9 lives. For those of us with an accounting brain we tend to start counting the used lives, much like playing a PS3 game. Checking on how long the cat has, before it uses it's last life and the game is over for the cat!

I have a question for you. How many lives do you have?

(No, this is not about whether there is life after death)




I'll ask you again. How many lives do you have?

1-2-3-4 .... 9?



What's your answer?



The answer I was wanting, was - ONE (1)

The only life you have to live is the one you have right here, right NOW! That's the only life you or I have. That we can be certain. As long as your heart is beating and you are breathing. You are alive! And this is the ONLY life you have.

The only moment that you live for is the here and now. I have met far too many people that think they live for retirement, that upcoming holiday or when the kids have left home. People who live for tomorrow and miss the beautiful moment they are actually having, that very second!

Let's Take a Trip

Our planet has time zones. If you fly Eastward, you can leave Auckland (NZ) and arrive in Hawaii before the time you left New Zealand???? If you were able to transport yourself to the other side of the world you can either end up in a time zone before you left or travel ahead in time and miss a day completely. I remember Lena and I leaving Los Angeles on Sunday evening and arriving in Auckland NZ, on Tuesday morning. The flight was only 12 hours, yet we had not had a Monday!

Hard work jumping from one time zone to another. You not only miss out what you're experiencing at the time, but you can be worn out by it all. Quite exhausting - it is, travelling time zones (ask any international traveller).




What time zone do you live, the 1 life you have?

• Do you more often think about what could be, should be or may be?
• Do you focus on your tomorrow's and the years ahead, more often than the moment you have right now?
• Do you think of what was and could have been back then? How you could've made a different choice and things would have turned out different.
• Got some past regrets that you catch yourself dwelling on regularly?
• Do you live for something else, someone else, an event that is nearing?

What life do you live, and more importantly, what time zone do you live in while living this gifted life you have been entrusted with, from birth?




A Time Travellers Tool

Yes, we can learn from the past. In fact it's a great thing to do!

How many times do you have to go back in your past to do that though? How about you do it only once!

Simply ask yourself the question - "What would I do differently next time, that would have made a positive difference should a similar situation occur to me?" Make some notes based on the lessons you've learned from asking this question, and apply those learnings to yourself.

Next thing is...

Travel ahead in time (your only imagining - ok!) and visualise yourself in a similar situation as the one you had had in the past - but in the future. Imagine yourself, using the positive lessons you have learnt and how things will be different for you in the future. Should a similar situation happen again. Then immediately return to the present and completely notice where you are, and be in the moment, you are living NOW!

You only get one life. Being present in the moment, by finding each moment intriguing, curious, fascinating, interesting etc... enables you to be present. As a manger, team leader, coach or trainer. When you are present with your staff, client or students, you are free from the weariness of mental time travelling. You will hear more, see more, feel more and understand more. When you allow your current life to be splintered by psychological time zones, you lessen the ability to manage and deal with the situation you have at present. You will miss things, misinterpret conversations and not have your full functioning brain at your disposal when you most need it.

At the moment there is an add on TV which depicts 2 mouths talking at exactly the same time. It's impossible for the viewer to accurately make out what either of the voices are saying. The point of the add? To let you know that while you are driving and talking on the phone, you can not be fully aware of what's happening around you as you drive! (try it as an exercise with 3 people talking to you at the same time for 15 seconds and then repeat back to each of them what they each said!)

How many lives do you have then? Where do you mostly live the life you have?






Be There

Practice living in the moment. Learn from the past and ensure that the future you visit in your mind, is one that serves you well and ensures your success. We too easily imagine the worst for ourselves. How we will forget out words at the upcoming business speech we have to make, or how they'll hate me at the job interview next week. Shit! Stop that type of thinking and time travelling!

If you're going to visit momentarily, either the past, or future do it with some style! Stop shitting on yourself in every time zone you visit. YUCK! I certainly wouldn't want to travel with you, if that's what you do! Sadly, more people seem to do that, than not.

Learning to live your ONE life in the moment is a skill. You can learn (we teach it, as do others) and you can be coached to it. And you can learn it yourself, just on your own. Either way - DO IT!

You'll be pleased you did.