Coaching versus Mentoring

How many corporates and businesses (big or small) are starting Mentoring or Coaching programs?

From my experience there are quite a few. And rightly so. In-house programs like these are proven to increase staff engagement and productivity. At the same time they can either minimise conflict or support a worker back to being fully engaged once again, after experiencing personal difficulties. Makes sense to do this, and it can all be tracked back to saving 10's if not 100's of thousands of hard earned, business dollars!

BUT - there is confusion out there in the business world!

Many have not, and do not know the distinctions each of these have terms have. Coaching or Mentoring, are they synonimus terms? Aren't they actually the same thing? This leads me to the purpose of this brief article.

The Distinctions
The following description are the distinctions that the Meta-Coach Foundation ( http://www.meta-coachfoundation.com/ ) has made between the 2 terms, along with some additional thoughts of my own on the subject. (no apologies for using some jargon here)


Coaching:
The Coach does NOT tell, direct or recommend the client on what or how to do anything!

• The Coach does NOT have a content or context focus


• The Coach does NOT provide psycho-thearapy


• The coach does NOT "heal" the client


• The Coach does NOT decide for the Coachee the outcome for the coaching session or how to reach the clients goal for them


• The Coach does NOT coach the client at a basic or primary needs level, but at at a transformational and self actualising level (A.Maslow)


• Coaching is where the client or coachee is the expert in the exchange between coach & client.


• The coach is the expert in facilitating the client to achieve their desired outcome.


• The coach is an expert in transformational, self actualising change processes


• The Coach coaches byway of a coaching conversation. Either face to face, by phone or electronically.


• The Coach is an expert in identifying the structure of the clients current situation and facilitates the process of creating the resource structure the client needs, to achieve their outcome.


• The Coach transforms performance and engagement as a result of the coaching conversation


• The Coach facilitates the coachee to be more of who they can be


• The Coaching relationship is one of equality between the 2 parties


• The Coach asks questions and meta-questions, in such a way that they provoke, probe, praise and promote the client to pursue their desired outcome


• The Coach defines specific Key Performance Indicators (KPI) that details the clients outcome for the coaching session and uses these KPI's to define when the client has achieved their outcome.

Is that enough yet? Have you noticed what coaching is, and is not?

If you think you've been offering a business coaching program and aren't aligned with what I've bullet pointed above. Then it's highly likely what you are doing is not Coaching but Mentoring (or something else?).

These disctinctions have been quite a shock for some who have attended our coaching programs. Initially they thought they were offering an in-house coaching program to staff. And found, based on the description I've given you they were not coaching staff at all! Quite a revelation don't you think?

Even worse, I've met people who have thought they were attending a coach certification training, and later found they had attended something that was not about coaching at all but more like a melting pot of teaching, training, psychology, mentoring mixed bag of technqiues, sold as a "Coach" training.

How would you know any different, if you didn't know the distinctions of what coaching is and is not - right? Well... now you do. Don't you?

Oh... that's right... I haven't finished yet, have I.

So what's Mentoring?

Mentoring

• Mentoring is where the Mentor is the expert in the relationship.


• The Mentor has been in the same or a similar role as the mentoree with usually many years of experience under their belt


• The Mentor makes recommendations, directs, or tells the less experienced mentoree what to do in specific situations


• The Mentor works with content and context


• The Mentor guides the mentoree to be more like themselves. For them to do what the Mentor would do in a given situation, by learning from the mentor's vast experience and knowledge


• The Mentor has a skill, competency based focus


• The relationship between the Menotor and mentoree is an unequal one, due to the higher level of experience the Mentor has in their professional field of expertise.

I think that is enough about mentoring. Is mentoring good - YES! Is it the same as Coaching? - most definitely NOT!

The need for a clear distinction between these 2 terms is paramount for defining eaxctly what it is a Coach does and does not do. This is the distinction that Meta-Coach Foundation has made.

The Need for Coaching Skills by Mentors

The skill sets of either role are distinctly different. Can a Mentor use Coaching Skills to enhance a mentoring program. YES! When both are brought together a mentoring program is able to offer so much more than mentoring is on it's own. The most common complaint I hear from Mentors is "How do I get them to do what I know they need to do?" or "How do I get them to come up with the ideas themselves?". Sounds like you need the skill sets of a Coach. (To be more specific, you need a Meta-Coach, but that's another article).

Coaching is less stressful as I don't have to know anything about the content, skill or be more experienced than the coachee. Coaching leaves the coachee empowered, as they come up with their own answers to any problems they have, themselves. Is it any wonder mentoring programs are embracing coach training. To add greater value to an existing "in-house" mentoring program is the big pay-off for them.


Mentoring Success NOT Guaranteed
Mentors have found that they may be an expert in their chosen field, but have no coaching skills that ensure the transfer of their knowledge to a less experienced person. This is the real purpose of a mentoring program. To accelerate the new kid on the block to a greater level of productivity and responsivness, quicker. By learning from the gained experience of a Mentor. The effective exhange of knowledge by the mentor, requires coaching skill sets and the art of facilitation.

Haven't we seen similar examples in sport. Where a multiple world champion, was unable to reach the same level of success as a professional coach?


(An example in our countries prized sport, Rugby - would be Tana Umanga's coaching jaunt in France, after such a successful playing career as a NZ All Black, Super 12 & Regional rugby player and Captain. Resulting in an inability for him to currently bridge the gap between professional player to International Coach)


Why does this happen?

Because they were unable to transfer their skill to others. It requires more than experience and mentoring. It requires Coaching skills that focus on structure and facilitation and not skill sets, subject content and context.

Ok... enough now.

I hope this has been helpful in defining the difference between Coaching and Mentoring. There is much more to know but as I said earlier, this is a brief article. So to make sure it is I'm finished now. Bye!

For more info log onto my own website: http://www.ignition.org.nz/ or the Meta-Coach site at http://www.meta-coaching.org/

The Golded Rule - An Epilogue

You'll find in the archives, the blog I wrote on my view of the Golden Rule (GR) it reads like "...Treat others as you would like to be treated". I want to add a short epilogue to that older blog of mine. It's about a finding I have come across in many different work contexts and have observed its presence in personal relationships also.

The Golder Rule version I am talking about is...

"I'll treat you in a way that I would NEVER accept being treated myself!"

Now... take a brief moment to think about how that version of the GR works. With a little imagination I'm sure you can get the gist of it. Something like - "I will talk to you in a manner you're not to talk to me in. I will do to you what you must not ever do to me!" Or another version is "I'll treat you any way I want and don't think you can do this to me".

I find this version of the GR really interesting. What are the motives that drives a behaviour like this? A behaviour and attitude that is abhorable to the "doer" yet they will do it to others, and at times, to those they say they love. In a work context this can be interpreted as blatant workplace bullying, and may even have a vindictive component ("I'll get you back!") to it. What is it that drives a person to treat another in a manner that they would not accept themselves?

Guess, is all I can do, in an effort to try and work this one out. Unless of course you are able to ask the person involved, then you may not get the real answer anyway. So let's guess and see if we can bring some understanding to this version of the Golden Rule.

An Explanation

1: They are not aware of what they are doing to you:

This may be the reason. They simply have never thought of things that way. "Hey, you're treating me in a way you'd never accept yourself!" - "Oh, sorry I didn't realise that, and your right. I wouldn't like you to do that to me. I'm so very sorry, I'll make sure I don't do that to you in future." Wouldn't that be a nice outcome for both parties.

Be tactful how you bring awareness to another about a specific behaviour they are doing. If they truly do not know they are doing it (non-conscious) then they may deny that they do it. This is a strong indication they have no awareness of what they are doing. I recommend a gentle approach to bringing awareness to a persons consciousness. Yes, I agree at times a more confrontational approach has it's place - just not 1st place! Learn some skills in influence and persuasion, before you attempt a more confrontational approach.

2: They know what they are doing to you:

This possibility presents a number of additional possibilities that may weave together, to explain the many variances that this option provides.

• They don't like you, or if they do, it's not that much. (How come you didn't figure this one out?)
• They have a mean and nasty streak in them and are just, plain mean and nasty. (Make a run for the door!)
• They enjoy the fact that they are treating you like that. (They're havin' fun at your expense)
• They do it because it makes them look good to others. (look you guys at what I can do to him/her)

You need to collect your thoughts and consider if any of these are relevant to your situation. Then you need to decide how you will address it. It could be a mix of all 4 points I've listed!

3: They don't know anything different:

This is what they think is acceptable way to treat another person. Links a little with option 1 but more with this is how they do it based on either it's worked for them in the past or it's what I've learnt to do to get what I want (little linkage with power and control over others). If you were raised in a war zone where you learnt to be at war with others, then you'll never know how to be at peace or you'll struggle with it when there's no war to fight.

GR Summary

It's not right to treat people in such a way that you personally would be unhappy if they did the same behaviour back at you. If you're on the receiving end of someone in the workplace, treating you like this, and you do not treat them in a similar manner. And it could be your Manager! Then, read my earlier article on "Should I stay or should I go?". That article will give you the 4 basic options that you have in a worse case scenario.

Don't settle for being treated like a door mat! You deserve to be treated fairly and respectfully.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

When the shit hits the fan and there's no where to hide. When you've done your best and it still isn't working. When all is never going to change and you've had enough. What can you do? What are your options? Whether it's an intimate relationship gone sour or you're in a bullying situation at work - what are your options?

You Have Only 4 Options

1) Stay and sulk:
That's right. Shut up and handle it some more, for longer knowing that, how it is is how it will always be for you. If nothing changes then nothing changes, so don't complain, just stay put and shut up! Unless, of course, you want to stay, bitch and moan about the situation, but you'll do nothing about it. I have seen this in some work situations. It's not what I would recommend however for some it is the option they choose. Perhaps because they think they can't leave or think they will never have anything better. Perhaps it's that they have been battered for too long and have surrendered to the regular treatment they get. Who knows, but stay they do.

2) Leave:
Now that is sometimes the perfect option. If you've had enough. When trying once more is no longer an option for you. It's time for you to pack up and leave. Make a run for the door. Get out of there! This is a workable, intelligent option, if the other 3 options are not for you. Do you know when to call it quits? What has to happen before you will leave and never come back? Answer those questions, and when you experience the scenario that determines you are to leave - then leave immediately!

3) Stay & Fight:
You think you're being treated unfairly and you're willing to say so, then make a stand for what you think is right. Fight for your rights! Approach the right people. Knock on doors, make phone calls, start a petition. Do what you need to do, to let those who need to know you're not happy, and how you want to see positive change. Many men and woman have changed the course of history because they were willing to stand and fight, for what they believed was right.

This is a good option, assuming you are prepared to pay the price, staying and fighting will bring your way. It takes energy to fight, emotional energy. It can be taxing and at times you may wonder whether it's all worth it.

Are you good for the fight? Do you know what it will cost you to do so? Do you have excellent support? Do you know when your fighting isn't working? Worst case scenario is... you may need to consider the other 3 options listed here, if fighting doesn't work for you.

4) Stay & Thrive:
This requires a complete paradigm shift. Although things don't change - you change. You change how you think about the situation or that person that has been irritating you. You have a new perspective on an old, difficult problem. This is the option I will typically coach a client to. To not stay and suffer or leave or even stay & fight, but to change how they think about it. Yes, this is a skilled area of Coaching. This is where you go to a place within yourself where you have a completely new perspective, that lifts you above and beyond the bullying, intimidation, irritation or fear of the situation. To a place where you are able to truly thrive where you once gasped for air and struggled physically, to maintain your place in life.

All that's initially needed is a desire to make things work, and a willingness to explore new ways of considering how things may be different. You may not know how but you do know you want to have a better perspective. Then that will be the seed that good Coaching will nurture so you can fully flourish in a situation that you once thought of as being dry and desolate.

Easy as 1,2,3 and 4

So there you have it.

Should you stay or should you go? Only you can decide that?

What you now know, are the options you have. You're better off with this information, rather than allowing the roll of a dice or the random selection of a card to decide for you.

Which option is the best option for you? Which one provides you with the strength to move forward?

Coaching Closes the Gap

This is where 1:1 specialist coaching can truly show it's worth in supporting you in making the decision of whether to stay or go. To me option 1 is an unacceptable choice, so coaching is needed for you to be empowered to try options 2-4. Options 2-4 all need support, and specific thought patterns to make them a success for you. Again this is the place of Coaching, to make each of these options viable for you.

I hope you're now more aware of what choices you have, so you can decide whether to stay or go.

For the video blog version of this article - you can watch an unrehearsed recording,

by clicking on the player below.

Expect Much & Suffer

We all have them, don't we?

A specific level of expectation when being served or waited on at a restaurant? A set, personalised standard, of what you can expect from fellow workmates, a product, or even the weather. If you live here in Auckland, you may actually expect the traffic on the motorway as you drive late to work, to be at an acceptable level so you can arrive on time, and also the traffic lights will turn green, at exactly the right time for you!

Sound silly? No, not really. We do this often.

We hold expectations of others, ourselves or even the natural elements of our planet. We want it to be fine and sunny so the washing can dry, or so we can go fishing with the kids or diving for Kina.

Ever given it any real thought, about how to place your expectations? How to ensure you'll never be disappointed and have your every expectation met?

Well... that's what I'm going to do here, in this brief blog on expectations.

They are, in my opinion an integral part of ensuring whether you will have a great life or a shitty one. Draw your seat in, adjust yourself, and focus your attention here on the screen and let's get to it...

Expectations Link With Emotions

If you have an expectation. That is, you have a specific desired outcome for a specific situation. You have determined how you want things to be, to turn out or to experience. In short you have a strong belief that this is how it is to be. (If you don't fit the description, then you're not dealing with an expectation).

If you get exactly what you expected then you are neither elated or sad. More like, you got it, and so you should, after all that was the expectation. So emotionally it is neither a positive or negative emotional experience for you, more a keeping of the emotional status-quo byway of your expectation being met.

If you receive more than you expected. That is, they exceeded your expectations (over delivered) then depending on how much your expectations were exceeded you will experience a positive elevation in emotion. Conversely, if your expectations are well and truly not met (under delivered) then depending on how much the shortfall is, will determine the level of negative emotion you experience, or down right highly pissed off about things!!!

Ok? Got the emotional connection now?

So what's my point?

By misplacing your expectations you can be setting yourself up for a world of horrible negative emotions on a regular basis - that's my point.

Expectations exceeded - excellent. Expectations that have fallen way short - life is absolute crap.

To free yourself from this dilemma there are specific rules that need to be in place. You'll have greater emotional management and free yourself from the trauma that can arise due to misplaced expectations by following the rules I've outlined below.

The Must Have Rules

1) You can ONLY place expectations where they can be meet with near 100% certainty:

Now where can you do that? With the weather - No! With the traffic flow at peak hour on the way home - No! With people in general - No! (please... don't tell me, your that 1 in a million that can control other people with near 100% certainty aye?) Shall we place them with the traffic lights turning green when you need them to? Got the idea? Good!

The only place you can place expectations with near 100% certainty is with.... YOU!

Have high expectations of yourself to achieve in life, to be honorable, kind, forgiving etc... And you may not know how, so have high expectations to learn how. Expect to get up each time life knocks you down. To be a good parent to your children and to treat people kindly. This you can do, can't you?

2) Expectations can only be placed on others if they are:

1. Made fully aware of them
2. Agree to provide them for you
3. Accept responsibility & accoutability if the are not delivered
4. Agree on the consequences for failing to provide you with your expectations

If you have not got each of these 4 points, then you can NOT place any expectations on another human being. Think about it. How many expectations do you have of others yet you have never discussed it with them or have had them agree to provide them to you. They could be your manager at work, work colleagues, children, friends, lover etc... think about when you were last upset with someone else. What was the expectation that wasn't being met?

If you want to have expectations of others, that's fine. You must however have agreement from them that they will both provide them for you, and also be held accountable if they do not.

Even then a warning. They are, as you are - fallible. They may not (even with the agreement) be able to deliver every time. Therefore, expect yourself to be forgiving, understanding, and supportive of them should they fall short in delivering your expectations.

3) With everything that exits outside of the first 2 rules all you can have is hope. You can hope that the traffic will be good and the traffic lights will turn green on time for you. You can hope that the weather will be fine,and the global recession will right itself soon. You can hope that people who serve you, will treat you well etc... And if these things do not happen, which you hope for, then have high expectations that you will always rise above them and remain in a good place emotionally and physically.

It'll Be A Good Place To Start

There is still much to learn about expectations. This was an introductory writing, that's all. Learn to uplift all expectations you have of others where you have do not have the 4 points I've listed above. People who have let you down, because they never lived up to them or ever new you had them, of them. By doing this, other people who do not meet those expectations will not have emotional power over you. After all, you placed the expectation on them, therefore you can just as easily remove them. If you have no agreement from them, you can not have any expectations of them.

Place hopes where you have no control, certainty or agreement. Have high expectations of yourself and monitor your progress, and be kind on yourself as you seek to realise the expectations you have of yourself. You're human, so you're bound to make the odd mistake here and there.

I have HOPE that you've enjoyed this brief intro' to expectations.